Change of Character

Tonight I was on the leadership course that I've been doing through our church.

We discussed character and how a leader had to have the right type of character. Honesty, courage, that kind of thing. As the evening got on a lot of what was being said resontated with me. There are things about me that only two people at my church know about me. Everybody else doesn't have a clue. As we discussed this we talked about how you should be more open and people should know you more if you are to gain their respect and for them to follow you. I remember thinking yes it would be good to do that but I don't think that you are quite ready for me to do that.

I was told by one of the two people that do now about Jenny that some people at our church certainly aren't ready to deal with something like that.

There were other things that resonated but the most important one was an example of how people are. They are like a stage with a front part and a back part. The front part is the bit that everyone sees. The back part is what really goes on. The idea is to reduce the gap between the two.

While we were discussing this I decided that for me bringing the two together would be interesting as the two parts are so difficult. The front part would be me in male mode. The back part would be Jenny.

For me to bring them together either means that I have to openly live as both, allow my male self to remain what everybody sees and to let it take over all of my life completely or for Jenny to come from behind the scenes and take center stage. As I thought about it I came to the conclusion that Jenny would have to take center stage.

To that end I'm thinking that I'm going to have to think about going to see my GP sooner rather than later. Before I do though I need to ask some questions of my vicar in order to clarify things a bit more first.

Once I have those answers then I can make a proper decision but at the moment if I'm going to be the kind of person that we discussed this evening then I'm going to have to change one way or the other and I know which way I would rather change.