Thursday, 12 February 2015

Its definite

Yesterday I finally spoke on the phone with Liz at the Nuffield, she is the person that ensures that your stay there for your surgery goes as smoothly as possible. I'd been trying to find out for definite what electrolysis I need prior to surgery because my electrologist doesn't want to do too little or too much than needed.
That's all cleared up now.

I then spoke with Debbie who is Mr Thomas' secretary and she said they were dealing with May's surgery dates now.

So its official, I go into hospital on the 11th May.
My GRS and chest reconstruction surgery will be on the 12th.
I'll be discharged on the 19th May and will then have about 3 months of recovery.

So how do I feel.
Its a bit scary because it is major, life-changing surgery. Its also incredibly exciting.

I've known that I would be having the surgery for a long time, it was clarified after spending some time with one particular person.

The same person asked me very recently if I thought I'd come this far this quick. I actually think that this is quite slow. A lot slower than I would have hoped to do if events hadn't slowed things down.

My son leaving school, father-in-law being ill and then the delays with surgery due to funding problems, all of these pushed my plans to wanting surgery last October and now into this year. Finally though I'm nearly at the end of this stage of my journey.

But I'm glad that its taken this long. I'm glad that I didn't have the surgery last year. I'm glad that its going to be in May. Partly because we have to go to watch the World Snooker championships in Sheffield with my son in April and so I needed to drive for that. More importantly because I've finally started back at burlesque classes. Yes, I'm doing the thing I love once more.

Last Monday I attended my first class at a place in Yeovil. It was amazing, we worked on a routine and I was surprised how quickly I caught on with the steps and moves. I've not danced like that for a long time. It felt like coming home.

What really made it so enjoyable was to be accepted as one of the girls, the conversation certainly didn't lead me to believe that anyone didn't think of me as anything but just one of the girls.

More importantly for me though was something that happened which saw me change a mental gear.

The studio has lots of mirrors and some windows. As we were rehearsing the steps I caught sight of myself in my jeans and sweater, and something clicked and I realised that I have a decent figure. Not as curvy as some women's but a figure that I think some women would be jealous of. I might be wrong but hey, its my mental gears and self-image that matter.
I even found myself thinking that with the right hairstyle and the right make-up I might even make a decent looking woman, maybe not attractive but certainly reasonable enough to turn a couple of heads.
Sorry if that sounds a bit conceited but there are very few days that everything that I see in the mirror comes together like that, so I'm going to take them when they come.

So, I have a couple of months of burlesque classes ahead of me, then my surgery and recuperation then its back to burlesque and the rest of my life.

Tuesday, 10 February 2015

Sexuality

"You've moved from the outside to the inside then?" he asked

"No, this is just the bits that I couldn't bring over last weekend" I replied.

"Its cold today, we start at 7:30 and it was freezing this morning" he continued.

"I know, its not as cold as it was yesterday morning, my car was starting to freeze up before I'd even got out of the street" I replied.

"Where do you work?" he asked.

"OMG," I thought "he's going to talk to me again. Does he realise just how good looking he is? I like that ring he's wearing, oh look no wedding ring so he's not married."

As I sat waiting to go into the recycling centre I found myself in conversation with one of the guys that work there. A really handsome guy.

A few weeks ago I spent two weekends going to and from the centre taking broken fence panels, all of the plants and bushes that we had to dig up in order to allow the fence panels to be replaced, some bikes, a wheel barrow and various other bits and pieces.

Of course loading and unloading the car has been dirty, sweaty work and so I've not bothered putting on any make-up, had my hair pulled back and even worn a baseball cap or Buff.

Both weekends I've been approached by the same guy and we've had short chats. Both weekends I've found myself thinking that perhaps I should have made a little bit of effort with my appearance and put on a bit of make-up. Maybe I'd have been able to flirt with him a bit, maybe not, I am married after all.

Some time ago a friend and I were sat having a coffee when she asked me about my sexuality. As we talked she turned to me and said "Do you know I think your bisexual."

Thinking about it I realised that she was right, its just that in my efforts to be seen as a male I'd suppressed that side of me. Now finally being myself I could actually allow myself a bit more freedom with who I found attractive.

Another conversation that I had which raised the subject of who I might find myself attracted to was a bit more black and white in how it was seen. Pre-transition I was a heterosexual male, post-transition and surgery I would either be attracted to females meaning that I was a lesbian or to males which would make me a heterosexual female. I nodded along to the conversation and simply said I didn't know who I would be attracted to. If I had that same conversation now then my response would be both men and women, something certain to stir things up a bit as the person asking the question was wife of the vicar at the church we went to.

I know that there are people whose sexual orientation stays the same throughout transition and beyond, I also know that there are people whose orientation switches. I think in my case its just coming round to what it's always been. I'll be glad when it settles down though as I've even found myself thinking some of the guys I work with are good looking. Now that really is somewhere I don't want to go!

Oh, and with regards to cute recycling guy, I had to go to the center a week ago with some bits and pieces, this time I had make-up on. The place was busy. Cute guy was there but a short distance away. I needed to know where to put one of the items I'd taken so I caught his attention, this time I got a couple of words shouted across telling me which skip to put it in and that was that. OK, we were about 20 yards apart so he probably didn't recognise me, at least that's I hope that's the case.