"You've moved from the outside to the inside then?" he asked
"No, this is just the bits that I couldn't bring over last weekend" I replied.
"Its cold today, we start at 7:30 and it was freezing this morning" he continued.
"I know, its not as cold as it was yesterday morning, my car was starting to freeze up before I'd even got out of the street" I replied.
"Where do you work?" he asked.
"OMG," I thought "he's going to talk to me again. Does he realise just how good looking he is? I like that ring he's wearing, oh look no wedding ring so he's not married."
As I sat waiting to go into the recycling centre I found myself in conversation with one of the guys that work there. A really handsome guy.
A few weeks ago I spent two weekends going to and from the centre taking broken fence panels, all of the plants and bushes that we had to dig up in order to allow the fence panels to be replaced, some bikes, a wheel barrow and various other bits and pieces.
Of course loading and unloading the car has been dirty, sweaty work and so I've not bothered putting on any make-up, had my hair pulled back and even worn a baseball cap or Buff.
Both weekends I've been approached by the same guy and we've had short chats. Both weekends I've found myself thinking that perhaps I should have made a little bit of effort with my appearance and put on a bit of make-up. Maybe I'd have been able to flirt with him a bit, maybe not, I am married after all.
Some time ago a friend and I were sat having a coffee when she asked me about my sexuality. As we talked she turned to me and said "Do you know I think your bisexual."
Thinking about it I realised that she was right, its just that in my efforts to be seen as a male I'd suppressed that side of me. Now finally being myself I could actually allow myself a bit more freedom with who I found attractive.
Another conversation that I had which raised the subject of who I might find myself attracted to was a bit more black and white in how it was seen. Pre-transition I was a heterosexual male, post-transition and surgery I would either be attracted to females meaning that I was a lesbian or to males which would make me a heterosexual female. I nodded along to the conversation and simply said I didn't know who I would be attracted to. If I had that same conversation now then my response would be both men and women, something certain to stir things up a bit as the person asking the question was wife of the vicar at the church we went to.
I know that there are people whose sexual orientation stays the same throughout transition and beyond, I also know that there are people whose orientation switches. I think in my case its just coming round to what it's always been. I'll be glad when it settles down though as I've even found myself thinking some of the guys I work with are good looking. Now that really is somewhere I don't want to go!
Oh, and with regards to cute recycling guy, I had to go to the center a week ago with some bits and pieces, this time I had make-up on. The place was busy. Cute guy was there but a short distance away. I needed to know where to put one of the items I'd taken so I caught his attention, this time I got a couple of words shouted across telling me which skip to put it in and that was that. OK, we were about 20 yards apart so he probably didn't recognise me, at least that's I hope that's the case.
Hi Jenna, I sent a long comment yesterday. Blogger may have eaten it. I'll wait to see if it shows up before I think it out again.
ReplyDeleteI did want to say that I featured this post on T-Central.
Calie
Calie,
DeleteI really should check comments on the blog. Think is deciding to be a pain if its eating comments and also not telling me that I've received some. Just found this one after replying on T-Central to finding out that you'd featured this post.
Thanks again for featuring it.
Jenna,
ReplyDeleteRegarding my comment that never made it, I have known many who have transitioned and the individual sexualities depends on the person. I have one friend, in her early 20's who was heterosexual pre-transition and appears to be lesbian after, and that surprised me. Likewise for many late transistioners, and that didn't surprise me. On the other hand, however, I know others who went from heterosexual pre, to heterosexual post. I also know some who are bi after transitioning, but were heterosexual pre-transition.
I remember two very close friends telling me that there is absolutely no way they would ever have sex with a male after transition. Several years later, one has dipped her feet in the water and the other is happily married to a male.
It could be that growing up male, and responding to cultural norms may have something to do with this. After all, you're male so you should marry a woman and father children. I certainly was brought up that way, with a very strict, Catholic, old-world family.
For me, when I was in my mid-20's, when I would have transitioned had that been in today's world, I was asexual. I had absolutely no interest in men or women. I liked being around girls, but I had no interest in sex with girls. I didn't like being around boys and men and I had no interest in sex with men. It was a very aggressive woman who eventually activated that dormant part of me, which makes me think that I could have gone the other way, had I fully transitioned early in life.
Sorry for the babble, but thought I throw out my thoughts.
Calie
What is this babble you speak of? :) I see a typically thoughtful, insightful Calie comment.
DeleteAs someone who comes from a similar family background, I know the damage that type of repressive, conformist, judgmental thinking can inflict. I've made a great deal of progress in freeing myself of the negativity, shame, and guilt that such thinking causes, but it's an ongoing process. Transitioning is not for the faint of heart, that is for certain. :c)
Thank you for being so willing to share your thoughts, hon. Have a great weekend!
Love,
Cass
P.S. If you're feeling homesick, there's plenty of snow as Cass's Casa if you need to scratch your snow-shoveling itch. ;c) There's no rush, btw; trust me, it's going to be here for a *long, long* time. (Sigh...)
Definitely no babble there Calie.
DeleteI think you make a number of good points. I know that there are a number of people that have transitioned, in both directions who are heterosexual now, as society would see their relationships. Equally there are others who are in gay relationships.
I think we're fortunate that we're living in an age where people can be more open about their sexual orientations. Although not everywhere of course.
The conversation I had at church also showed that being transgender and religious can cause people to struggle. If being gay, lesbian or bisexual is wrong according to the church then how do you react to someone who got married as one gender and has now transitioned. If they remain with their partner then they are in a gay relationship which in some religions wouldn't be acceptable, however, being in a relationship with someone of your birth gender, but the opposite gender to you after you have transitioned would be acceptable but prior to transition wouldn't be. It certainly does mess with people's heads.
Hi hon,
ReplyDeleteInteresting post, and one to which I can most certainly relate. Working this out can be tricky. Kudos to you for being open to the possibility. It's not an easy thing for some, quite understandably.
Here's hoping the cute gentleman comes over for an extended chat the next time your paths cross, hon. :c)
Hugs,
Cass
I'm sure that it will be an interesting chat if he does come over to chat. Probably discussing whether I have a twin I expect :-)
DeleteHi Jenna
ReplyDeleteI wish that I had an opportunity to chat with you, perhaps over cocktails?
Take care
Kim x