Sunday, 31 January 2010

The ups and downs of the wife knowing

I was talking with Sam today and the question of whether my wife knew about Jenny came up. As I'd obviously not said that she did I decided to explain about what has happened to her attitude to Jenny since I told her a long time ago.

I met my wife about 3 months after I split up with Marina, the first woman I had ever been close enough to tell about Jenny.
As part of getting over Marina I had joined a dating agency in order to get out and meet more women. Of the three women I met, one was in her late teens, early twenties and was the youngest woman on the agencies books. She was a lovely girl but we didn't have anything in common. In fact she freely admitted to me that her friends and got her onto the agency books and the agency had pretty much sent her details to nearly every man on the books.
The second woman I met we got on a lot better. We had much more in common but there just wasn't that spark there. One of my house mates at the time even asked if I could let him have her details so that he could ask her out.
The third woman I met was the one that I ended up marrying.
Shortly after we met I decided that I was going to be honest with her about Jenny. If she didn't like the idea then we could simply go our separate ways.
One morning as we lay in bed I told her I had something to tell her. I then picked up a photograph of me that I had had taken at Transformation in London. I showed it to her and she looked puzzled. I explained that the photo was of me. I went on to explain that I crossdressed and that I had no intention of stopping. She surprised me by saying the it was OK and that she had no problem with it.
A few weeks after that my house mates were all away for the weekend so on the Saturday night I took advantage of having the house to myself and presented Jenny to my future wife.
We had a wonderful time. I cooked for us and we had a nice meal. We snuggled down in the lounge and cuddled while watching a film. Eventually we went up stairs and slipped into bed, me still as Jenny.
The following New Year's eve I proposed to her and she accepted. A few months later we moved into a flat together in Southsea. The time that followed was wonderful. She worked on a Saturday and so I would have all day to myself. I'd see her off to work and then get any errands i had to do out of the way. Then I would get changed and made up.
I'd spend the day as Jenny and in the evening when future wife arrived home we'd cook dinner, watch a film on DVD and then eventually head to bed where we'd have some more fun before falling asleep.
As far as I could tell I'd found the perfect woman to marry.
In the October of 1995 we finally got married. By then we had moved from Portsmouth where we'd met to Sherborne in Dorset where I had gotten a job.
Things carried on pretty much as they had in Portsmouth. My wife had gotten a job working in the local boys school which involved working on a Saturday morning. I'd walk her to work, come home, do any errands I needed to and then get changed and spend the rest of the morning as Jenny.
Some Saturday evenings I'd get dressed as Jenny and we'd spend the time relaxing.
On one occasion we had someone call to the house and I had to go into the bathroom in case I needed to get changed quickly while she dealt with it. Fortunately it wasn't anyone who needed to come in but it did give her a fright.
It was shortly after that that her attitude to Jenny changed. She no longer wanted to spend time with me as Jenny and so I would spend Saturday mornings as Jenny and the rest of the time as my male self.
By now we had decided to buy our own house and having found one in Yeovil we moved in May 1996.
As far as my wife was concerned as long as I wasn't dressed as Jenny when she was around then she could cope with things.
My time as Jenny therefore went from a regular thing to whenever she was away staying with her sister for a week at a time.
She knows that Jenny is still a part of my life, just as she also knows that I've gone through phases where I've tried to forget about Jenny, an impossible task.
About a year after moving into our new home we were sitting having dinner and I asked her why she didn't like seeing me as Jenny any more when she had been so enthusiastic. She told me that she had never really been able to cope with it and that she had treated it all as one big game. It had been easier for her to deal with like that. I supposed once we had gotten married and after the scare in Sherborne that she could no longer get away with thinking of it like that. At that point everything had changed. It was also at that point she revealed that after I had told her about Jenny that first time she had struggled to come to terms with it and been so upset that it had been obvious to her dad, mum and sister that something was up. She had decided that she need their help to deal with it and had told them everything. Fortunately they had reacted pretty well to it as in all the time since we'd met nobody had mentioned it to me. I'd even been away at a Rose's Harmony Weekend and had spoken to my mother-in-law on the phone while sitting in the hotel lobby dressed in a skirt, top and heels, fully made up as Jenny. I'd been thinking I bet you don't know what I'm actually doing and wearing, when in fact she was fully aware of what I was doing that weekend.
The subject has still never come up in conversation and so nobody has mentioned it to me.
The other thing that still happens now is that from time to time crossdressing will come up on television or somewhere and she will say something or give me a look that sort of says I know what you are thinking. It happened yesterday evening at dinner.
As we were eating in the kitchen the television was showing All Star Mr and Mrs. Beverley Callard and her husband were being asked questions. One of the questions was about whether her husband had asked Beverley to bring home any of her characters costumes from Coronation Street. The question then went on to give three options as to what would happen to the outfit if she did bring it home. One of the suggestions was that her husband might try it on. Out of the corner of my eye i could see my wife looking askance at me as if to say “well you'd certainly put it on.” She's totally wrong about that. I have better taste than Beverley's character when it comes to clothes!
This year is going to see a lot of things happening with regards to me becoming Jenny more full time.
The “game” from all those years back is certainly over, now we're into reality and I know she isn't prepared for that!


Wednesday, 27 January 2010

Doctors again!

Yesterday I went to see my GP. I wanted to discuss with her if she would refer me to a gender identity clinic, probably Charing Cross, so that I can sort out all the confusion and tension that has been inside me for so long. I've known for years that I would be happier as a woman than a man.

This will be my 4th attempt at doing something to resolve things.

I discovered yesterday that the first time I actually discussed this with a GP was back in 1996. Thinking back on it I do remember discussing it with a doctor at the time. I'd actually been chatting with Marion on the phone a couple of days before about it I believe. That probably inspired me to actually go to the doctor I expect. Of course at that point I didn't actually do anything about it.

The first time that I actively sought referal was back in 2000, I got as far as an assessment at a local hospital but the psychologist that interviewed me told me to go away and deal with some of the other things that were going on in my life at the time.
My son had been diagnosed with Leukaemia and while we were in hospital i got talking with the social worker that was there to help families like us to deal with all the things that needed to be done in order to help smooth us through the transition from normal family to one that has to spend the major part of their lives visiting hospitals for major league treatment. One day I found myself sitting down with the social worker and talking about Jenny and the fact that I'd always struggled being a male and would so much prefer to be a female.
The social worker was very understanding and she agreed to talk to the consultant that was dealing with my son and get him to refer me to a gender clinic.

The second time I tried was in 2005. On that occasion I actually got as far as having an appointment at Charing Cross. I discussed what I was doing with some friends and through discussing it with them decided that it wasn't the right time and cancelled. Fortunately this was the right decision because a few months later  my son suffered relapse with his Leukaemia. It wouldn't have been the best time for either him or me to be dealing with such major issues.

The third time was last year when I went to see my current GP. She is a wonderfully understanding doctor and referred me to Charing Cross only to be told that I needed to have an assessment locally. I had the appointment for the assessment but once again it was not to be as my son got ill and worrying that it might be a relapse I cancelled the appointment. Fortunately it was a false alarm but scary all the same.

So to yesterday. I went to see my GP and apologised for cancelling the appointment and not going through with things last year. She was so understanding, told me that I didn't need to apologise and that she would sought out a referal letter. She told me that she understood how hard it was to do what I was doing and that sometimes it did take a while to manage to actually do something about it.

I can't believe how lucky I am to have such a great doctor. I am so glad that I changed my doctor last year.

Hopefully my appointment will come through quickly so I can finally make some progress and sort out my life.

Last night before I went to bed I was chatting with a friend from work on Facebook. She knows about Jenny and that I was going to the doctors yesterday. In work I had seen her and told her that everything had gone really well. Last night I filled her in on the details.
She amazed me though when she told me that when we had been talking in work I looked like a weight had been lifted off my shoulders. I hadn't realised that. It takes me back to that first time telling Marion about myself. Considering where my life has led after doing that, who knows where this will take me but it will sure be interesting.

Sunday, 24 January 2010

Shopping Trip

One week after confessing all to Marion I found myself finishing work on the Wednesday noon and following her out to her car.

I wasn't sure what to expect so I was prepared to follow her lead, my natural submissiveness in the presence of a woman who knows what she wants coming to the fore, and what she wanted was to get me kitted out with a basic female wardrobe.

She climbed into the drivers seat and I took my place in the passenger seat.

Marion had decided that we were going to drive to Southampton to do our shopping as there was less chance of us running into anyone that we would know or more importantly that we worked with.

It took us a half an hour to get there and we chatted about various things, mainly about how long I had been dressing, how I had started and about the differences between her reaction and Marina's. She agreed with me when I said that I should never have promised to stop.

We drove into the city centre and found a car park near the main shopping centre. Marion wanted us to have a variety of shops to go around in order to find what I needed.

Before we left the car though she asked me to remove my jacket. This done she produced a tape measure and proceeded to measure my chest and waist, making a note of the results.

This done we headed into the shopping centre looking like any ordinary couple.

As we walked around, looking in the shop windows, we were trying to decide where to start. Marion decided that we should start from the inside out. I needed lingerie.

Choosing one of the department stores we headed inside and made our way towards the lingerie department.
Today I wouldn't bat an eyelid and in the company of an attractive, young woman (and I did find her attractive) would happily browse amongst bras, panties, slips and packets of stockings and tights. Back then I was nervous and slightly scared.

As we looked at the bras Marion decided that I needed something that screamed feminine. I wasn't going to argue as my only experience of bras was what I could borrow from my mum's draw when I was alone at home as a teenager. These tended to be for a more mature lady and of a more sturdy construction.

Marion browsed through the bras and held up each against herself so that I could see what it looked like when she found something that she liked.

I nodded or shook my head to indicate whether I thought it would look good on me or not. I'm sure that the women that were shopping there at the time thought I was her husband or boyfriend indicating whether I thought she would look good in it or not.

Eventually we settled on a white lacy underwired bra. There wasn't much to it which wasn't a problem as I didn't have much to fill it with but it was my first ever bra of my own.

Selecting panties was easier as we went with the ones that matched.

I must admit that I thoroughly enjoyed the experience of shopping for underwear with Marion and it was one I'd love to have done again.

Next came a suspender belt to match the bra and panties. Again Marion searched for something while I stood alongside looking like the attentive boyfriend and gave my agreement when she found something she approved of. Some tights and stockings were added last.

Kitted out with a set of lingerie I handed over the cash and she paid for it. If I had taken them and paid for them myself then with Marion in tow it might have looked suspicious so it was safer for her to pay.

Shoes came next and rather than try a shoe shop we stuck with the department stores. Fortunately I'm only a UK size 8 in shoes and so its possible for me to go into a shop and buy shoes.

On this occasion Marion advised me to go for something in black with a bit of heel but nothing skyscraper. We searched and searched for something and eventually found a pair of black patent leather court shoes with a 3 inch heel. High enough to look really sexy but low enough for me to learn to walk in them without spraining an ankle.

Being as we were in the middle of a shop with people wandering around we didn't dare have me try them on but they were my size and they weren't a wide fitting so we decided that I should be able to get away with them. Again I handed over the money and she paid for them.

The only things I needed now were a dress or skirt and top, a coat and handbag.
The handbag was easy enough, a simple black shoulder bag which would go with most things.
As we wandered around the shops we looked at various items. In the end I selected a plain black skirt and a white blouse with a pussycat bow in a silky material. I so loved wearing that blouse as it gave me goosebumps whenever I did.

Lastly we went in search of a coat. I'd hadn't planned on going out but it was decided that it paid to have one just in case. Marion and I found a beige raincoat that would do for mmost situations that we could think of.
A lot lighter in the wallet we made our way back to the car and drove back home.

Of course all of these clothes would need trying on and although I could do that at home in privacy, Marion did want to see me in them since she'd helped me to buy them so we set a date for me go around to her house with all my things and to make use of her bathroom to remove all my body hair, get made up and model the clothes that we had bought.

The trip to Southampton wasn't the only time that Marion and I went shopping, there was one more trip to a small dressing agency but this was for outerwear. That was another wonderful first time experience and one that I repeated a couple of times on my own before the shop closed.

Prior to going shopping the only other time I had ventured into the lingerie department to buy female underwear was for a trip to the Rocky Horror Picture Show with some friends. On that occasion I had shot into the shop, found some fishnet stickings and a basque in my size and been back out within a minutes. I'd felt extremely uncomfortable buying them because I knew that I wanted them not just for going to the show but for afterwards too. As it was my first time buying lingerie I was doubly worried in case I ended up having a conversation with the sales assistant about them.

When I was with Marion I was a lot more relaxed and we spent lots more time deciding on what to buy. Having a female there as company I think gives you more confidence because any purchases could be for them. Certainly with what we bought it could have been for her.

Now I don't even worry if I have to go shopping for lingerie. Last year I went into the lingerie department of my favourite store to try and find a bra that I could wear with a backless dress with a plunging neckline. I couldn't find anything so asked the assistant for help. We discussed what the bra was for, the size required and when she suggested that my other half come in to look herself I made an excuse that she couldn't get into town and so I was looking for her. I also went shopping at another department store last year and armed with a list of things I wanted to get, along with pictures of them from their store website, quite happily asked staff for help when I couldn't find what I wanted. I spent a lovely time browsing in case there was anything that I saw in addition to what I had gone in to buy.

Shopping with Marion certainly influenced what I bought. Having her there to give a nod of approval to my choices did mean that I was going to buy things that would suit me, at least as far as her opinion was concerned. Not having developed my own sense of style at that point it was good to at least know that I wasn't choosing things that were going to stand out too much.



Having been shopping with Marion did give me the confidence to go shopping on my own. Over the years I've bought from charity shops, big department stores and smaller shops. I've even been shopping with another woman, a Colour Me Beautiful consultant, who helped me select some outfits for a weekend away. I'd been to her to get advice on what makeup colours to use and how to apply it properly. When I mentioned that I was going away and wanted to get some good outfits to wear she offered to accompany me as a personal shopper. Again that was wonderful.

Both the trip to the dress agency with Marion and the consultant did result in me trying on outfits in changing rooms. Fortunately with a woman providing cover for me but with the shop staffs approval. More about those trips later.

Friday, 22 January 2010

Confessing about Jenny

When I knew Marion I worked as a computer programmer. Still do but with less of the programming and more of breaking other people's software.

Back then we didn't have personal computers to develop software on but used a mainframe computer and then tested it on the system that it would be delivered on.

Even so we still had an email system that allowed us to communicate around the team.

Due to the fact that we had to test the software on the final system from time to time people would be required to work late.

About 6 weeks after I had been to London to Transformation Marion and I were sending each other some messages. I had heard a rumour that she had started dating an older guy on the team. Being a nosey person I started subtly, or maybe not so subtly, asking her about it.

Marion was very coy with her answers and I found it difficult to get out of her what I wanted to know. Throughout the afternoon I sent her messages trying to get her to own up. Nothing she wouldn't give a thing away.

As I was trying to think of some means of getting her to talk I suddenly realised that there might be a way.

“If you answer my question I'll tell you a secret about me” I sent to her.

Now it was her turn to be intrigued. Batting away her questions this time we agreed that we would both work late and that when we were alone I would tell her if she told me.

About 6pm that evening we were both sitting at computers working away when she sent me a message asking me to tell her my secret.

Before I would answer her I asked her if she was going out with someone and named the guy in question. She replied telling me she was. I could have happily walked away at that moment but I knew that she would have wrestled me to floor before I'd got half way across the room and would have forced my secret out of me. Ok perhaps not but if I thought she would have actually done that then I'd have certainly gone for it.

I took a deep breath and sent “have you ever heard of Transformation?”

Marion replied that she hadn't. Oh boy, not only was I going to have to confess to dressing as a woman but I couldn't even do it by refering to something and let her work it out.

You remember I went up to London a few weeks ago” I typed, “well I went into a place called Transformation, they do Changeaways where they transform males into females. Marion, I enjoy dressing up as a woman.”

Her reaction wasn't at all what I was expecting. I was hoping for a positive reaction but was prepared to accept an “that's fine, I'm ok with it but lets not discuss it again.”

Nope, Marion's reaction was to tell me that she had known that something had happened to me because for the last six weeks I had been walking around glowing. I hadn't realised that it was so obvious. She then informed me that she hadn't expect me to tell her that but had actually been expecting me to tell her that I was gay.

Me? Gay? The thought had never crossed my mind, ok I'd never been very good with the girls but I'd certainly never considered boys. Ok being the sissy gurl I am now men are definitely something that are on my radar.

Shyly, I logged off my computer and turned to her. “What do we do now?” I asked.

I think we should talk more” she answered.

Fifteen minutes later Marion and I left work and drove to the house I was sharing with some people from work. Up in my room we say down and I told her about how I'd started to dress up when I was a teenager, how I'd always had this desire to be a girl throughout school. We talked about my visit to the escort and to London and then I got out everything that I had bought while I was there to show her.

As we looked at everything she turned to me and asked if I wanted her help. I was stunned, help in what way?

Marion offered to let me come around to her place so that I could dress, she told me that I needed to go shopping for lingerie, some clothes, jewellery, shoes, pretty much everything that a girl needs to really be herself.

I struggled to get my head around all this, here she was within an hour of my confession offering to help me with this. All I could do was nod my head and tell her yes please.

Marion had to leave at that point but she told me to book some time off work for the following Wednesday. When I asked why she told me that she was going to take me shopping in Southampton.

Oh, wow, shopping for female things with a real girl. Never in my wildest dreams could I have imagined that I'd actually do something like that. Then again I never imagined that I would end up telling a work colleague and getting such a positive reaction.

Mind you that wasn't the last colleague I told, to my knowledge there are four others, in addition to Marion, that know about me. Two of them male colleagues (one I shared a house with) and one female (she wasn't as receptive and we never mentioned it again) from back then. The other is a female colleague who I've told more recently.

If you'd like to hear more about my shopping trip with Marion, or any of the other times that she helped me, or even about anything else I've mentioned in this post then write a comment and I'll do my best to answer. 

I must admit the last couple have posts have taken this blog in a direction that I didn't expect when I started writing it. I didn't expect to be sharing some of my past experiences but hey, if it takes on a life of its own and goes in a different direction then who am I to argue!


Confession time

After I split up from Marina I went through a pretty bad phase. As I mentioned in my last post I go dragged out one evening to a local pub and Marion, another friend, that I had a soft spot for came along too. I got so drunk that I managed to offend her by putting my hands where they shouldn't have gone. I even lifted her skirt slightly, which was the point that she got up and left and I knew that I had gone too far. Fortunately she did forgive me.

Over the next few weeks I managed to get my act together and started getting my life back on track.

I'd decided that I was going to make the most of things and while flicking through a local paper, glanced at the personal ads. One of them leapt out at me. It was for a pre-op TS who was offering massages. I thought about it and rather than phoning from home went and found a phone box. Soon I had an appointment booked for a couple of days later.

I really enjoyed the visit, she got me to lie down with my clothes off and gave me a massage. It was wonderful, especially when she started playing with my sissy clit. During the session I told her about Jenny and she agreed that the next time I came she would dress me and put makeup on me.

I couldn't wait and a week later I returned. She made me up and I slipped in and out of several dresses. It felt absolutely wonderful to be full dressed in front of someone.

Unfortunately it wasn't enough for me. I'd seen adverts for Transformation in London and their Changeaway experience. Within a week I was in London and after a fbrief hesitation entered the shop.

I cannot begin to tell you how different the experience was to the one with the escort. The girls were able to find me an outfit that left me looking like an office girl, the makeup was fantastically done. I couldn't believe it.

For the next four hours I wandered between the upstairs lounge area and the main shop. There were a lot of other customers, some women and some men, a couple of others were even having Changeaways. At one point I remember standing looking at some magazines on a rack when a gentleman in a pin-striped suit came and stood next to me. I glanced at him and he glanced at me, then he smiled. Oh wow, my ego was going through the roof.

Eventually though my time was up and I had to get changed and head home. Before I did though I stocked up on everything that I thought I could possibly need. Beard cover, breastforms, makeup, corset, hip and bum pads. I was like a child in a sweetshop.

On the train home I was so excited and couldn't wait to get to my room and look at my purchases.

There was one drawback to my going to London though. I knew that there was no way that I could visit the escort again.

An opportunity was soon to present itself that would mean that I didn't have to and also that I would have a female to help me begin exploring my femininity. That female would take the shape of Marion about six weeks later.

Thursday, 21 January 2010

Part as friends - Telling loved ones part 2

sissygurl belinda responded to my last post and initially I was going to simply respond to her comment but instead I decided to post instead.

What we do is a compulsion! My telling Marina that I would agree to stop dressing was the most stupid thing I have ever done. I should have simply walked away from the relationship then and there it would have been a lot easier and less painful.
After we split I vowed that I would never ever promise another woman that I would stop dressing. I would never ever let another woman hurt me like she did and make me cry. I have kept the first part of that vow but the second part, well my wife managed to do that.

If you  do split up though then let it be on friendly terms. Life is to short to be angry with each other. Get over it and move on.
When Marina and I separated it was painful but we were at least able to be civil on the last occasion that we saw each other.

The other thing I would suggest is to not take it out on your friends.
After we split up my friends told me that they never thought that Marina and I were right for each other. My so called friends tell me that after I split up. Might have been nice to say something before. Ok, breathe deeply, I can deal with that.

What isn't a good idea is allowing friends to drag me out to the pub for a drink! Even worse is when they drag along one of our female friends Marion, who I haboured a secret longing for. Ok, I can get through this, its only an evening. What is the worst that could happen?

Several hours later.

I'd had a few too many drinks. Marion is still sitting there, she looks attractive. I'm chatting her up, I'm trying to touch her. Oh my God. What am I doing? She's getting up, telling me its ok, she's leaving. My friends tell me that I've behaved like and idiot. Don't I know it! 

Friends are brilliant, they forgive us being completely and utterly stupid. They let us get away with things when we are drunk.


I so hope that I never get in the position where I do that again.  Real friends are so valuable as I've learned today, once again. Real friends put up with us being stupid, not talking to them for ages and will listen when we tell them out secrets.

Marion was a true friend, especially when a few weeks later she found out that I was a sissy and enjoy dressing up in feminine things. She helped me to go shopping and provide me with a place to change.

I am so glad that I have some really special friends who I wouldn't trade for the world.

Marina and I were good while we were together but my need to be Jenny was far too strong. Even though it hurt so much towards the end and it really was for the best that I walked away I will always be grateful to her for one thing.
If it wasn't for her reaction and us splitting up I wouldn't have had the nerve to look through the personal ads in the local paper and find a transsexual escort who I went to visit a couple of times. I also wouldn't have had the nerve to go to London to Transformation and experience one of their Changeaways, which led to me glowing on my return as I had finally released Jenny. It wouldn't have led to me telling Marion and to everything that has followed.

Anyway, that is my rambling for today. Next post I'll share telling my other half about Jenny.

Tuesday, 19 January 2010

Telling loved ones - part 1

sissygurl belinda posted Cautionary note the other day. It started me thinking about my early days and telling people.

When I was growing up I was never a hit with the ladies. I didn't really have any girlfriends. To show you how successful I was the one girl that I got closest to dumped me telling me that she was going to become a nun!

To be honest it wasn't really a problem because even though I was so desperate to get into their panties, being a sissy, I was also desperate to get into their skirts and blouses.

It wasn't until I left home after university and started work that I found a girl that I really liked and who liked me to.

Marina and I got together through an advertisement in the personals of a local newspaper. She was sexy and took my virginity the first night I stayed at her place.

Things were good between us, I even got on really well with her daughter.

Ok, she had her faults, she couldn't handle her alcohol and got extremely drunk on white wine the one time she stayed at my place while my oldest friend and his girlfriend were also staying down. Not the best way to impress somebodies friends.

One evening while I was staying at her place we happened to be looking at some photos. In a couple of them were her ex-husband. I couldn't help noticing them because he was all dolled up in a dress. I could tell that it hadn't been a serious effort because he didn't have any makeup on and the outfit looked awful.

When I asked her aboout it, Marina told me that they'd been messing about.

I couldn't help thinking about this and one night a few days later brought up the subject of the pictures. As we lay in bed I told her that I had something to tell her. It was at that point that I bared all of myself to her and told her that I enjoyed dressing as a woman.

She was appalled, told me that I had to stop doing it and give it up completely. I was so shocked at the rejection but in love with her. I agreed to stop dressing as a woman.

Our relationship was Ok for a while longer but then went down hill. She got pregnant and miscarried.

Shortly after that I found myself as a cuckold boyfriend.

A taxi driver that she knew started calling around in the evenings. Some evenings I was even there. I'd find myself sitting in the lounge while they were in the kitchen chatting.

Eventually things got so bad that I couldn't take it anymore and told her that it was over.

I cried the day I packed my things and left. A few days later I returned with a friend, who turned out to be more supportive of me than anyone I've ever known, to collect the rest of my things. Again it was a very hard thing to do as I'd grown close to her daughter and it was hard having to tell her that we'd not be seeing each other again.

It took me a while to recover from the break up but eventually I decided that I had to try and find someone else.

The experience with Marine taught me a few things.

Firstly, never ever promise that you will stop being the feminine you. Unless you are really strong willed or not too deeply into your feminine side then it will be nearly impossible to keep that promise.

Secondly, love can blind us to other people's faults but there does come a time when you have to cut your loses.

Finally, good friends are priceless, they will tell you when they think that you are making a mistake. Preferably before you have gotten out of the situation and not afterwards. 20 - 20 hindsight is a wonderful thing but not much use really.

Saturday, 16 January 2010

Small steps

In my post in response to Miss D's poll about what us sissy's are going todo this year I mentioned getting my nails done at a salon. I've not done that yet but I will do when I have the time to combine a body waxing, getting my eye brows waxed and my eye lashes tinted with having my nails done. Haven't planned when I'm going to do it yet but it will mean a good half day in the salon.

In the meantime I can work on my nails at home. I can grow them to a more sissy length and keep them femininely shaped. But there is something even better that I can do.

Today I picked up a package that contained a bottle of O.P.I Matte Nail Envy nail strengthener.

I've worn nail strengthener before from time to time but it tends to be glossy and noticeable. On one occasion a colleague actually noticed the shine and asked me if I was wearing nail varnish. I told him that it was just the natural sheen of my nails and he accepted it. I'm not going to risk that at the moment so I've gone down the matte path.

As soon as I had got the bottle out of the packaging I had my nails painted. Yes it doesn't shine, apart from very slightly when the light hits it right, even then it could just be put down to a natural sheen.

The upshot of this is that I can now wear something on my finger nails 24/7 without fear of anyone realising. I am so looking forward to it.

Friday, 15 January 2010

What a day!

This morning I went to an appointment I'd arranged at a beauty salon that I was using for bodywaxing last year. I had hoped that I might be able to get an appointment for today or Monday when I phoned, I hadn't been expecting to be offered an appointment at 9am on the day that I wanted.

I had booked to have a full bodywax, legs arms, chest and back.

Since it has been several months since I went last I was fully expecting it to be really painful. Maybe the 400mg paracetamol I'd taken before I went had something to do with it but although it stung, it was only when the beautician removed some of the hair on my chest that it was painful. All in all it wasn't as bad as I'd thought it would be.

When I was going along last year I had wanted to tell the absolutely drop dead gorgeous lady, who also owns the salon, and does my treatments the real reason that I was getting rid of my body hair. I'm going to call her Zee. Unfortunately I couldn't pluck up the courage. Today was going to be different though. I had told Sam, my boyfriend the one who has control of how I grow my hair, that I planned to talk to Zee and ask her if she could suggest hairdressers. In order to provide a way of doing this I had taken a selection of pictures with me. I had planned on showing them to her before we started but I couldn't find the courage to do so.

Zee began with my legs and worked up my body. Back and then chest were done and still I hadn't found the courage to show her the pictures or ask her about hairdressers. However, before she started on my arms she asked if I wanted a cold towel put on my chest to cool it down.

I do have a fair coverage of hair if its not kept under control. If you have never had your chest waxed when you have a lot off hair to get rid of then you can only imagine how painful it can be. My chest definitely needed cooling down.

When it comes to pain I do have a high threshold. When it gets too much I'm more likely to start laughing than screaming. While we were chatting about how painful it was sh mentioned a male client of hers who is extremently tough normally. However, when he is having his chest and back waxed he is like a baby, always asking her to stop because of the pain. Zee told me last year that I'm probably her best male client because I don't complain about the pain.

Once she had cooled my chest down and before she started on my arms I asked her if she could pass me the packet of photos that were on the chair as I wanted to explain another reason that I was having my body waxed. Zee passed them to me and I handed her the pictures to look at.

The first pictures were of me when I went to Manchester last year to the Albany Clinic. As she looked at the pictures I explained that they were of me.

Well slap my tush and colour me pink!

Zee explained that she had spent some time in London when she was being trained learning about from makeup people who dealt with TSs so she knew all about what could be achieved.

She was impressed by the photos and my figure.

I couldn't believe the way the rest of the conversation went. She was totally Ok with it as I learned that she had other customers who were TS.

I so love that salon!

The conversation then turned to the fact that I am planning to see my GP, again, about GRS. Last year my GP referred me for an initial assessment. Before I could take up that assessment some things happened in my family life that meant I had to cancel the appointment that I'd been given.

I had planned to leave talking to my GP until later in the year. Towards the end of the summer in fact because I have a number of sporting things that I want to do this year and wanted to concentrate on them. As a result of last night and what was discussed on the Growing Leaders course I'm down about being a good leader and from chatting with Zee today I'm going to have to see my GP sooner.

Last night showed me that if I want to continue doing the things I do as a Christian the I need to bring my private and public selves together. For me to do that means that I either have to accept that I have to become more male and less female, or I have to become more female. I prefer this latter option.

I've got mornings free at the moment so it shouldn't be difficult to book an appointment to see my GP.

There is a distinct possibility that I will be able to get Zee to do some of the treatment, for instance beard removal.

Having discussed my transsexuality, and been told that she would be willing to talk about it if I wanted, then I raised the thing I really wanted to ask her. Could she recommend a good hairdresser.

She didn't know of a local one that she could personally recommend as she goes to one near where she lives, which isn't close to where the salon is.

She's been going to her hairdressers for a long time.

Now as I am happy to travel a bit if it means that I can see a symphathetic person then I didn't see that as being a problem. Zee is going to talk to her hairdresser when she sees her in a couple of weeks and let me know what she says at my next salon appointment. As it is going to take me a few months to get my hair long enough that a hairdresser can do something with it that isn't a problem.

I do hope that she says yes.

So at the moment I am on track to keeping one of the aims that I set out here and also at Miss D's website. I have a nice hair free body and in 6 weeks time will be back having the hair removed from it once again. Hopefully I'll have something to report on the hairdresser front too .

Change of Character

Tonight I was on the leadership course that I've been doing through our church.

We discussed character and how a leader had to have the right type of character. Honesty, courage, that kind of thing. As the evening got on a lot of what was being said resontated with me. There are things about me that only two people at my church know about me. Everybody else doesn't have a clue. As we discussed this we talked about how you should be more open and people should know you more if you are to gain their respect and for them to follow you. I remember thinking yes it would be good to do that but I don't think that you are quite ready for me to do that.

I was told by one of the two people that do now about Jenny that some people at our church certainly aren't ready to deal with something like that.

There were other things that resonated but the most important one was an example of how people are. They are like a stage with a front part and a back part. The front part is the bit that everyone sees. The back part is what really goes on. The idea is to reduce the gap between the two.

While we were discussing this I decided that for me bringing the two together would be interesting as the two parts are so difficult. The front part would be me in male mode. The back part would be Jenny.
For me to bring them together either means that I have to openly live as both, allow my male self to remain what everybody sees and to let it take over all of my life completely or for Jenny to come from behind the scenes and take center stage. As I thought about it I came to the conclusion that Jenny would have to take center stage.

To that end I'm thinking that I'm going to have to think about going to see my GP sooner rather than later. Before I do though I need to ask some questions of my vicar in order to clarify things a bit more first.
Once I have those answers then I can make a proper decision but at the moment if I'm going to be the kind of person that we discussed this evening then I'm going to have to change one way or the other and I know which way I would rather change.

Sunday, 10 January 2010

Losing control

A couple of years ago I went through a phase where I started growing my hair longer. It took nearly 18 months to get it to the point where it was shoulder length but it was so much fun.

Every 6 weeks or so I'd go to the salon where I'd get it washed by one of the girls and then my hairdresser would trim it to tidy the ends and blow dry it.

My hair is naturally curly but once it had grown long enough my hairdresser started using hair straighteners on it. This was fantastic because it meant that my hair looked longer. The style that she put it into was suitable for a male but with minor changes could be made a lot more feminine.

The best thing about all of this was that when I started going to the salon and growing my hair out I told her that I was doing it because I crossdressed and wanted to have my own hair rather than wigs. Amazingly she didn't bat an eyelid but told me that she'd spent some time working on cruise ships and new a number of crossdressers and had no problem with it.

During my appointments we used to chat about my plans and she gave me lots of tips, even showing me how to straighten my hair myself. On one occasion when I told her that I was going away to a Rose's weekend and wanted to have my hair done she even helped me to book a pedicure and manicure. It was wonderful leaving the salon with my finger and toe nails a lovely plum colour.

After 18 months I decided that I wasn't going to grow it any more and went into a different salon and had my hair shaved, very much the Britney Spears look. The hairdresser there asked if I was sure that it was what I wanted and when I said yes she told me she was going to have so much fun doing it.

The other day when walking home from work I had an idea.

Apart from towards the end of those 18 months I've always used wigs when I'm dressed because I've always kept my hair fairly short for when I'm in boy mode as compared to sissy mode. If I'm going to develop more as a sissy though I need to have my own hair, wigs can be fun but I really want something that is completely real.

As I have a man in my life who is taking a real interest in my development I decided that I would hand over control of my hair to him. He's agreed.

This means that I'm going to grow my hair out, go to the salon and get it cut and styled in a way that I can wear it in a boy style for work but make it more feminine for when I'm being a sissy gurl. As I'm growing it out I can get it trimmed to tidy up any split ends and to shape it into the right style but I cannot go and get lots cut off without permission from him.

He has already come up with a style that he wants me to have.


The style has grown on me since I first saw it but its not really suitable for everyday.

While flicking through a keep fit magazine today though I found something much more suitable and which is similar to the way my hair grew out last time.


I'm probably not going to grow it that long, shoulder length is the plan at the moment. Who knows though, now that I've given over control of it to someone else perhaps I will end up with it that long.

Tuesday, 5 January 2010

This year

I responded to the latest poll "What will sissy do to make this year special?" on Miss D's blog (http://missds.blogspot.com/).

As I've already got my ears pierced I can't really get them pierced unless I go for multiple piercings. Instead I'm going to have to start wearing my studs more during the day and try and wear more girlish earrings whenever the opportunity presents itself.

What I can and to need to do is to keep my body shaved, get my nails done at a salon (something I've done before but would love to do again) and go out in public.

I'm sure that there are a lot more things that I could do. If anyone has any suggestions then let me know, I'd be more than willing to consider them.

What I would really love to do is to prove what a sissy I am and provide a man with sexual pleasure.

I even know of a man who would love to help me out with achieving this.

Now that would really make this year something special.

Questions

A while back I came across a website that posed a number of questions about the hows and whys of people's crossdressing. I thought I'd share my answers to the questions.

1. The first time, Why did you try on that dress, that girdle and stockings, that nightie, or those panties. You knew they weren't meant for a boy, or male! So, what made you pick them up in the first place? Did any particular item have a special meaning to you?

The first time I tried on a dress was as part of a dressing up game with my mum and gran when I was about 6 years of age. The second time I tried on a dress and panties was after I reached puberty. When I reached puberty I started to masturbate when in bed but my fantasies revolved about being a girl or woman and not a boy. The more I had these fantasies the more I got to the point that I wanted to act them out. In order to do this I had to have the house to myself so that there would be the opportunity to try on some of my mum's clothes. A brown pantie girdle was definitely part of the first outfit I wore. There was even a swimming costume in order to give me more of a curvy female figure and the cups of which were filled with balled up tights. Over the top of this I wore a floaty nightdress. I don't recall whether I wore tights or a bra with this outfit, I'm pretty sure that I didn't. The sensations I got from wearing the outfit and imagining that I was a woman ensured that I would dress many times over the years I lived at home.

2. Have you ever felt depressed by your dressing en femme? Was it because you felt like a pervert, like a weirdo, or that you could not be accepted for what you are? Other reasons involved? Do you feel different today?

I've felt depressed by my dressing en femme many times over the years. So depressed in fact that I have cleared out my wardrobe 2 or 3 times. I've also been depressed when buying clothes because I know that I shouldn't be spending money on things that I'm hardly going to wear and when I do it will be at home and nobody will see me. I've mainly felt depressed because I can't be accepted for who and what I am.
I still feel depressed that I can't really live out my life the way that I would like to but then that goes beyond just being able to dress and be who I am. There are so many things that I'm not able to do that make me depressed but then there are also so many things that I have the freedom to do which a lot of people aren't able to do.

3. If you were "forced," by whom – a friend, sister, mother or aunt, cousin? Did you want to, or did you feel you "had" to do it? (As this may be personal, think: were there pictures taken?) Was there a change in your relationship with the person who dressed you? For the better, or did it go the other way? Was there a change in you, in how you viewed yourself and others?

I've never been “forced” to dress. I would love to have been “forced” to dress though by Marion, a work colleague. She helped me to dress but never actually “forced” me to. We talked about me being her maid but weren't able to act out what was discussed. On the last occasion that she saw me dressed I so wanted her to come over and take me in her arms and kiss me, I wanted her to take charge and dominate me. I felt so weak and submissive that she could have done anything to me and I wouldn't have protested.

4. Have you found a change in demeanor when you are en femme? Has dressing en femme, or being forced to dress, made a significant change in manners, drab dress, obedience, and neatness? Are you better mannered, feel a need to be quieter. Is there a 'profound' change in your outlook on life, things in general? Are you "really" happier when dressed, and is there a way you can put it in words.

Yes. I am naturally quiet and continue to be so when en femme. However, I've been told that when en femme I become more graceful. There hasn't been a realy change in my manners or drab dress because of time spent en femme. I have had my ears pierced, grown my hair longer, grown my fingernails and also had my entire body waxed over the ears, which is down to time en femme. I have also found that when en femme I do feel that I am more the person I should have been and not the male that I have ended up being.

5. Do you feel that you are a "Sissy" because you "enjoy" wearing the clothes of the "opposite sex," or are there other feelings aroused in you. Do you feel that the word "Sissy" is appropriate to what you are? Do you feel inferior to females because you are not really one, or are there other factors involved.

I don't feel I am a “Sissy” because I enjoy wearing female clothes. I feel that I am a “Sissy” because I get aroused by images of females, she-males and males submitting to superior males and females and servicing them in whichever ways they wish. I find myself fascinated and aroused by images of submissives sucking on a man's cock. Often I wish I was the one in the picture doing the sucking. I feel the word “Sissy” is appropriate to what I am because I am submissive by nature, I am envious of the women I work with because they get to wear lovely outfits to work, I am also inferior to a number of the women that I work with because they are stronger and appear more dominant than I could ever be. Barb is a strong, divorced woman who is capable of looking after herself, Pat has a figure that just oozes dominance and I find myself jealous of the outfits that she wears sometimes even though they aren't necessarily the type of thing that a woman my age would wear. Julie just oozes femininity, a strong dominant personaility, professionalism and self sufficiency. If I had to submit to one woman it would definitely be Julie. I would happily give up work and become her Sissy maid and dress and act in any way that she dictated.

6. Is there a change in the music you like? Do you prefer Classical music when dressed, and Rock or R and B in Drab? Does the music affect you differently in drag and drab? Do you have a change of sports watching: Mia Hamm and Brandi Chastein vs. whoever is Dallas' quarter back. Do you even watch sports?

No change in my musical or sporting tastes when in drag or drab. I prefer watching athletics, swimming and rugby. I've never been a big fan of soccer or motorsports. My musical tastes cover everything from classical through jazz to pop music.

7. If you are married, or have an S/O, what is your "en femme" relationship, if any changes, to her? Are you a girlfriend, a Lesbian lover, a maid, or are you a guest just visiting?

I no longer have a “en femme” relationship with my wife. I used to but don't any more.

8. Do you have a different hobby that you engage in, other than CD or sex, when you are dressed? Do you feel a need to dress to do certain things, like shop for food, for one example? Are the things you engage in those considered masculine (hunting, fishing, sports), fairly divided, or feminine (Doll collecting, Antiques [charming teapots, pretty saucers], ballet/classical music).

No change in hobbies and the things I'm involved in tend to be unisex. I enjoy reading and watching science fiction and fantasy movies and TV programmes. I like running and also swimming. Just getting into cycling too as I've taken up triathlon.

9. How do you feel -- a woman in a man's body, a soft and gentle male that doesn't fit the masculine stereotype, a need to express a different side of your personality, or you were born the wrong gender? Or, do you feel that when you are dressed en femme, you can make out with a man, because you 'are' a female in a way?

I definitely feel like I would be happier living my life as a woman. I know that if the situation was right then while dressed en femme it would be possible for me to make out with a man. I've had several men who were interested in taking an online friendship to that level. As of yet I have never actually done that though.

10. When you read a story or watch a movie on tv, does your preference change depending on how you are dressed, or doesn't it matter? Going deep down, are you affected by the story line depending on how you are dressed?

No change. I enjoy watching the same movies and reading the same stories. I don't believe that a storyline affects me more whether I am in drag or drab.


11. Do you work in a man's man job -- High wire electrician, fireman, policeman. A neutral job – clerk, bank teller, doctor, barber. Or, a feminine one – secretary, hairdresser, nurse. If you had the skill but were required to still wear a male uniform, would you take a feminine job (of course, that's a belief in a job that is still considered mostly female).

I work in a unisex job in software engineering. If I had the skills and had to wear a male uniform then I would still take a feminine job. Probably fairly readily.

12. In a general way, what is your relationship to women in general? Do you view them as lovers, superiors, as dome/mistresses, or do you just LOVE everything about them? Considering the "way" you dress, is it in honour of them – perfect coif and make-up, a nice-fitting dress or blouse-and-skirt; or a mocking of them – slutty make-up, whorish, extremely short skirt, overly high heels?

I view women as friends, lovers and also superiors. I try to honour women by dressing in a natural way whenever I can. However, in certain situations, just like any woman I can also dress to look whorish.

13. Do you control your weight to fit into a size 16, 18 or smaller, or do you use a corset or girdle (do they still make those corselettes?) to fit? Would you consider a weight loss program if suggested, as a 'health benefit,' by an S/O or mistress/wife – to fit in her clothes?

I don't control my weight to fit into specific dress sizes. I do use corsets, girdles and corselettes. I try to control my weight so that I am fitter in general whether drag or drab.

14. When dressed, would you even consider a romantic date with a good-looking guy, or, would there be absolutely no chance of that happening! In fantasy, would you read about a date – and all that goes with it?

Yes I would consider a romantic date with a guy. In fantasy I definitely read about dates and all that goes with them, as a result of which I often find myself getting aroused and wishing it was me that was being described.

15. On a scale of 1 to 10 (10 being the highest), where would you be malewise; femalewise, or do you feel it's a 5/5 split?

3 male / 7 female

16. Almost last one: Given a choice, would you prefer black, red, white or pink in underwear – male and/or female?

Black or white female lingerie if given a choice but it would have to be appropriate to the outfit I was wearing.


17. Last: Do you think that what you are is a means to maintaining your sanity? That is, dressing in femme things is a way to reduce stress, relax, and otherwise not be the "macho" persona/boss your world situation may require.

Yes dressing is a way of maintaining my sanity, its also a way to reduce stress and relax. Dressing en femme is also a way to escape from the image that I present to the world day in, day out and to actually be who I really am, even if it is only for a short time.

When I remeber where I found these I'll link to the website.

Friday, 1 January 2010

Back on the blog trail

I'm starting blogging again. I thought I'd import some posts I made under another blog that I deleted to get the ball rolling. Hopefully I'll be able to keep this one going and add some interesting bits to it.