Monday, 11 October 2010

Coming out again

Earlier this year I had a conversation with one of the vicars at our church and his wife in order to explain to them that I would be standing down from helping out with the children's groups.
It was at the time that I was looking to get my referral to the gender identity clinic.
Having discussed my plans with some friends they suggested that I should step down from the leadership roles that I was involved in at the time.
This I duely did but without explaining to the vicar and his wife.
Our main vicar and his wife are fully aware of what is going on and also the reasons for me stepping down.
At our church we use a cell group structure where everyone who wanted to is allocated to one of a number of small groups. The idea is that is provides people with the chance to get together with several others, grow to know them better while praying, studying the bible and socialising together. It also provides people with a support network so that when things happen the rest of the group are available to provide help in whatever way they can.
Each of the groups has a mentor who looks after several groups. The mentor is there to help smooth any issues that may arise between group members and the leaders of the group. They are also there to provide support for the leaders.
My cell group has had our main vicar's wife as mentor. Being fully aware of what is going on in my life this has made it easy for my friends who lead the group to talk to her about things.
Today I got a phone call from S, the female leader, to tell me that our groups mentor was changing and that it was going to be our other vicar that is taking over. He does not know anything about what is going on. S told me that her and her husband had been asked to go and talk to the vicar. She wanted my permission to explain what is going on.
I told S that I didn't want her to say anything as I wanted to do it myself. I'd decided months ago that I owed this chap and his wife and explanation. I'd planned on telling them after I saw the psychiatrist next as by then I would know exactly what is happening. Even though that is two weeks away now it looks like I'm going to have to explain things to them before then.
I've emailed to try and find out when they are both around and to make an appointment. Hopefully that will be this week some time.
So it looks like I'm going to be having another of these coming out conversations. I might just be getting good at doing these. At least I wont have to stand up in front of our church and explain things. That's what the vicar is there for.

Friday, 8 October 2010

Making someone happy

I had another session with Amz at the salon yesterday.
Body wax, eyebrow wax and pluck and an eyelash tint.
Even Amz acknowledged just how long my hair had grown, not the body hair but the hair on the top of my head. At the start of the year my hair was very short, now it reaches down below the bottom of my ears.

Anyway, hair aside yesterday I did something that made Amz bounce around for joy.

When I first had my eyelashes tinted I went with a brown tint so that it wouldn't be at all noticeable.
After that first time I have had my lashes dyed black. However, Amz has been teasing me by asking if I was going to go for a blue/black tint each time I've seen her.
Yesterday I yet again responded to this suggestion by choosing the basic black.
As I was putting my things back on after the bodywaxing I turned to Amz and told her that next time I come, which is at the beginning of December, I will let her use the blue/black tint.

I swear that she jumped for joy! She was so excited and happy that she said that it was her Christmas present.

After I'd settled up and was heading out I reminded her about the next session and she was bouncing with happiness on her chair. She even said that she was going to write it down on the card she keeps notes of the session on.

Yesterday was a good day as I made someone really nice, really happy. I can't wait to see what she is like when I see her next.

Wednesday, 6 October 2010

Letter to a me

I've just come across Josie's website and her Writing Workshop. I thought I'd have a go at one of this weeks assignments as it was something I so wish I could actually do.

Dear Me.

Its not often that a person gets the chance to give advice to their younger self. For quite some time now I've wanted to have the opportunity to go back in time and talk to my younger self and give you the chance to make different decisions in life based on my experiences.

OK, before I get into the major life changing stuff there is one thing I really want you to do.

You are working part time in a supermarket at the moment. One of the women there and you rub each other up the wrong way. You know the one, she's older than you and has children. At Christmas both of you will go to the staff party. There will be a disco and the two of you will end up dancing together. You'll bet each other that you can out dance the other. My young friend, you are going to have a thoroughly enjoyable evening and both of you are going to find that you actually like each other, the reason for you rubbing each other up the wrong way is because you are actually attracted to each other. A couple of months after that you are going to leave that job and at your leaving party you are going to chat with her and things will be going really well until your best mate gets drunk and messes things up. My suggestion to you is that as soon as you dance with her at the Christmas meal you ask her out on a date. Do it quietly so as not to embarrass her but ASK HER OUT. If you don't then you will regret it!

Right, that is that out of the way. Now to the really life changing stuff.

For a few years now you have been struggling with the fact that you want to be a girl. Everyday that you go to school you see your female classmates and you ache to be one of them. You'll remember the article in the newspaper about the boy who dressed as a girl and won the beauty contest, before been discovered and disqualified. You remember how you wanted them to want to spend their life as a girl and how you were prepared to protect them and wanted to be their partner. Well I know that you actually wanted to be that person, you wanted to be the girl so badly.

My young self, you think that you are a crossdresser but you aren't. You are going to spend the next 20 years struggling with this before finally realising that you are transsexual and have to act to become the person that you are inside on the outside.
Trust me when I say that your feelings will not go away but will get worse as the years go by. You are going to reach rock bottom emotionally before you finally start to deal with things.
I don't want to see you going through all of that. You have the chance to live the life you should have been born to, don't waste it.
Yes, if you don't change things now then you will have a good life. You'll get to travel the world a little bit, you'll have a home of your own, a wife and a son. But you will not be true to yourself or to anyone else. You'll spend a long time being who others think you should be and not who you are.
Go to your doctor, tell them that you want to be a woman and ask them to refer you to people who can help you to do that.
I can't offer you any career advice, if you follow my route then you will work on some incredible projects over the years and meet a lot of interesting people. You'll be able to do all those things equally as well as a female, probably more so as you wont be hiding who you are from your friends and colleagues.
At the moment you are also at a low point with your faith in God. That will change. If you transition to being a female it may even mean that your faith grows considerably as you wont be presenting yourself as one thing to other people but will be able to be open and honest with fellow Christians. If you end up living in the same place as I am and going to the same church then that openness is going to make a huge difference.

My young self, please don't follow my path and ended up wasting so much of your life and hiding who you really are from people. Transition now and live your life as the female that you were born to be.

All my love, and lots of hugs. The road wont be easy but it will be worthwhile.