Monday, 18 March 2019

Cyprus 2019 - day 9

17th March 2019

I knew my head wasn’t in the right place when it came to this race. From the moment I realised the cut-off times, mentally I wasn’t in the right mindset.

I thought doing this race would be a good thing, and in a way it has been. It’s made me realise that sea swims aren’t for me. Pool or lake swims I’m much better with. It’s also taught me that I need to look at the details of races more before I enter them.

Right now I feel like a complete failure. I failed Rhys by not protecting him , by not doing everything I should have done in order to keep him alive. I was never the father that he deserved.

I promised him I would do things and I’ve consistently failed to meet those promises.

I’m probably never going to fulfil those promises, so I might as well just give up and die.

But that’s not going to happen because I’ll always reach the point where I don’t have the courage to end my own life, and God will never do me the favour of taking my life.

Going on and on without Rhys is my punishment, and God is going to go easy on me and let me have eternal rest because that would be too easy for me.

Watching from the balcony of my hotel room I can see everyone who has finished their race walking around with their finisher’s medals, something I’m not going to have.

Laura, one of the elite squad, has been really encouraging and has said I’m a lot stronger than last year. My swimming, cycling and running during the training camp were definitely better than last year. Apart from a couple of sessions I achieved everything that I was asked to do. I can continue training and I’ll get better at each of them but that’s not going to help when it comes to races.

Sitting here staring out at the blue sea and sky, watching everyone who has achieved what I couldn’t today makes me realise how talentless I am.

Rhys never ever gave up. He kept trying, he kept fighting for life. He was so much stronger than I am, and it’s unfair that I’m here and he’s not.

Rhys is the one that should be sitting here enjoying this view. Rhys is the one who should be exploring the world. Not me. My time has come and gone.

I just wish that God would answer my prayers and end my life here on Earth.

I really need to start considering the things I’m doing and start thinking about giving them up.

Gender Identity lead for the LGBT network at work. There are people that would do a better job of it than me. I need to finish up the work I’ve been doing on the awareness course and then once that’s been dealt with, stand down as lead and let someone better do the role.

Diversity and inclusion champion for the site. Again there are people who are better qualified to do the role, people with more drive and skill. Once I’ve stood down from the LGBT network I need to stand down from that too.

Burlesque. I think I should do the same thing with that. I’m never going to be good enough as  a performer. Why pretend?

And photography. I’m never going to make it as a photographer. I’m not sure if I even have what it takes to do the degree course. I do OK stuff for the foundation course but nothing really special. I’m going to finish the degree course and then probably go back to being an everyday type of photographer.
Just fade into the background and lead a quiet, dull, uneventful life until the day I finally stop breathing and my heart stops beating.

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