Cyprus 2019 - day 9

17^th March 2019

I knew my head wasn’t in the right place when it came to this race. From the moment I realised the cut-off times, mentally I wasn’t in the right mindset.

I thought doing this race would be a good thing, and in a way it has been. It’s made me realise that sea swims aren’t for me. Pool or lake swims I’m much better with. It’s also taught me that I need to look at the details of races more before I enter them.

Right now I feel like a complete failure. I failed Rhys by not protecting him , by not doing everything I should have done in order to keep him alive. I was never the father that he deserved.

I promised him I would do things and I’ve consistently failed to meet those promises.

I’m probably never going to fulfil those promises, so I might as well just give up and die.

But that’s not going to happen because I’ll always reach the point where I don’t have the courage to end my own life, and God will never do me the favour of taking my life.

Going on and on without Rhys is my punishment, and God is going to go easy on me and let me have eternal rest because that would be too easy for me.

Watching from the balcony of my hotel room I can see everyone who has finished their race walking around with their finisher’s medals, something I’m not going to have.

Laura, one of the elite squad, has been really encouraging and has said I’m a lot stronger than last year. My swimming, cycling and running during the training camp were definitely better than last year. Apart from a couple of sessions I achieved everything that I was asked to do. I can continue training and I’ll get better at each of them but that’s not going to help when it comes to races.

Sitting here staring out at the blue sea and sky, watching everyone who has achieved what I couldn’t today makes me realise how talentless I am.

Rhys never ever gave up. He kept trying, he kept fighting for life. He was so much stronger than I am, and it’s unfair that I’m here and he’s not.

Rhys is the one that should be sitting here enjoying this view. Rhys is the one who should be exploring the world. Not me. My time has come and gone.

I just wish that God would answer my prayers and end my life here on Earth.

I really need to start considering the things I’m doing and start thinking about giving them up.

Gender Identity lead for the LGBT network at work. There are people that would do a better job of it than me. I need to finish up the work I’ve been doing on the awareness course and then once that’s been dealt with, stand down as lead and let someone better do the role.

Diversity and inclusion champion for the site. Again there are people who are better qualified to do the role, people with more drive and skill. Once I’ve stood down from the LGBT network I need to stand down from that too.

Burlesque. I think I should do the same thing with that. I’m never going to be good enough as  a performer. Why pretend?

And photography. I’m never going to make it as a photographer. I’m not sure if I even have what it takes to do the degree course. I do OK stuff for the foundation course but nothing really special. I’m going to finish the degree course and then probably go back to being an everyday type of photographer.

Just fade into the background and lead a quiet, dull, uneventful life until the day I finally stop breathing and my heart stops beating.

First Anniversary

In ten days time, 21st August, it will be one year exactly since I sat down with my other half and told her that I was transsexual and planned on seeking GRS. One year since I was so low that I seriously considered ending my life rather than speak with her.

Like last year, earlier this week we drove to London Heathrow and dropped our son off with the two chaperones who were escorting him and 7 other boys to southern Ireland for a weeks activities with several hundred other youngsters who have, or still are, dealing with major, life-threatening illnesses.

So far this week has been quiet. On Wednesday night as we sat down to dinner my other half asked me why I'd not dressed. Why wasn't Jenny sitting at the dinner table. I might spend some time as Jenny over the weekend but I'm certainly not going to let things end up like they did last year.

A, who is the nurse that has been meeting up with my son to discuss things ever since we told him about my plans to transition, came round on Wednesday. The two of them have been discussing all sorts of things during their little outings. As far as me, they've critiqued my hair style in the pictures that they've seen, they prefer it when I had it pulled back for my burlesque debut rather than the wind blown look  I had when I went for my first appointment at The Laurels. He's still confused about what to call me when I transition, so am I to be honest. When he comes back from Ireland I think I'll have to sit down with him and discuss it with him, work out something that we both feel comfortable with. He's also worried that he might say something to my other half or I that will upset one of us or cause one of us to shout at the other one, again that is something that can be resolved by sitting down and talking it through. There's nothing that he can say that will upset me and I'm not going to go and shout at my other half because of something that my son says to me.

I've also been persuaded to take part in a charity concert and to perform my burlesque routine solo at the beginning of October. I'm nervous about it but thinks its about time I did like the other women in my class and got out there and performed in front of a proper audience.

Some of the girls from my class are going to be coming to my home town in the near future as they have a booking for a performance/lesson. Its going to be a bit too soon for Ms Jenna Von Risque to perform on home turf so I'm going to go along and help out by being their roadie for the evening and escorting them around some of the nightspots our town has to offer. I've got a couple of places in mind. Should be interesting, especially as I'll have on my dance school tee-shirt. Might have to make sure that I have plenty of caffeine and don't drink masses of alcohol though as I realised today that I actually have a sprint triathlon the following day. I'm pretty sure that a lack of sleep wont effect my performance. Pretty sure.

I've got a couple of other things planned for the near future but I'll tell about them when they happen.

Burlesque Debut

As I've mentioned before last November I decided that I would start taking burlesque lessons. I decided that I would have one-to-one lessons rather than join a class. After having taught me the basics, M, my teacher who is simply amazing, and I began working on a routine. In April this year after a couple of prompts I joined her intermediate class. Last Monday I finally put all that hard work together and performed my routine in front of a few friends in Bristol.
I'd had my hair done especially at the salon by Lou, lots of blonde hair, curls and waves and all the curls at the back pinned up. Definitely not a look I've tried before but absolutely fabulous.

I'd gone to Lou's in boy drag but had managed to find a place to park about 30 yards away on the main road. With my hair done I had to walk out of the salon and walk to the car. Two years ago I'd have never dreamed of walking to my car with my hair in such an obviously feminine style. What a difference time makes. I walked out of the salon door and turned to say goodbye to Lou who had come in on her day off especially to do my hair. I'd been nervous about making my way to the car but as I stood there in public talking to her any nerves simply evaporated.

I strolled down to my car, got in and drove from the salon to my friend K's house. Nerves began to set in when I got there as I'd asked her at the last minute if I could pop in and get changed and put on my make-up, she'd agreed but I knew that I'd have to get a move on before her children got home from school.
Its amazing how quickly you can change your clothes and put on foundation and lipstick when you try.
Monday was the hottest day we've had for a while so between the heat and getting flustered about getting ready so that I would be away before anyone got home I started to perspire. K helped me finish getting ready as my hands were beginning to shake. She managed to calm me down and with several minutes to spare I was ready to leave and head to Bristol.

The drive was long and slow because of traffic but it gave me plenty of time to calm down.
I finally arrived at my M's house and parked up. There was only one person in the street and although she looked at me she soon went back to tidying her front garden.

After a bit of a chat about how we both were I changed into my costume for the performance and I did a walk through of the routine. With that out of the way it was time to get changed into the dress and shrug that I was going to wear to go to the pub where I would be performing and finish my make-up.

It was so hot that I ended up having to borrow a gorgeous fan in order to cool myself down. Sitting there fanning myself I felt so feminine, even a bit old fashioned.

Eventually the other student from my class that was meeting up with us in order to go to the pub arrived. We grabbed our bags and with a deep breath I ventured out into bright daylight with the other two.

Any hopes I might have had that we wouldn't see many people were immediately dashed as we walked down the road and a couple walked passed us on the other side of the road.

I'd been told that it was a ten minute walk to the pub and it was definitely that. It was also, along Staplegrove Road which looked a bit of a rough area. Three very glamorously dressed females are going to draw attention and I saw quite a few guys looking at us but nobody said a word and nobody stared at me. I was so thrilled.

Then M dropped a bombshell, she needed to pop into a shop on the way.

We stopped outside a convenience store and she went in leaving me and my companion standing outside. I found that I had to make a decision. I could stand outside the shop with lots of guys around or I could take a big step and go inside. I've never been inside a shop as Jenny, of course I was currently walking through an area of Bristol that I'd probably not have gone through in boy mode. I looked at my companion and both of us decided to go inside.

We stood near the entrance and chatted, dodging the young child that was running around the place. Eventually M came back to join us and we left the shop.

As we continued on she turned to me and said “I was watching you as you two were stood there and from the way you were standing you looked completely at ease and also completely like a woman.”

I remember trying to make sure that I was standing properly but didn't think I'd been that successful.

As we got closer to our destination we passed two guys sat in a park, I glanced at them and then back to the path in front of me to watch where I was going. From their direction I heard a wolf whistle and some comment about hot looking women. I couldn't help but smile.

Eventually we arrived at the pub and went inside. I bought a round of drinks for the four of us that were there, M's friend had managed to make it, and then we wandered outside to sit down at a table to wait for the rest of the people that had been invited.

One by one we contacted people that we knew were coming only to find out that they couldn't make it. Zee, my beautician had got home late and didn't have time to get to Bristol, K had got as far as Shepton Mallet before being defeated by all the traffic resulting from people leaving Glastonbury and also everyone who was trying to get the Bristol for a Bon Jovi concert. I certainly can pick nights to do things. I think I might just have to do my routine again especially for Lou, Zee and K. More locally this time, I'm sure that I can find a suitable venue.


The pub is on a corner and the table was on the pavement alongside the main road. After a half hour of sitting there chatting and watching people walk or drive by we went inside and I did my routine. Again I managed to achieve a first by stripping out of my outer clothes in a pub, admittedly without anyone else around, and getting down to my costume which I'd been wearing underneath.

After so much preparation and so much build up the performance was absolutely brilliant. I couldn't have been happier with it. It wasn't flawless but you try performing a burlesque routine on a slopping floor. Yes, the pub has a floor that slopes, quite impressively, from one side of the room to the other, a good foot or two in fact.

After doing my routine I removed the corset that I'd worn as part of the costume and slipped back into my dress and shrug. We all went back outside and sat down at the table to have another drink. The rest of the night passed with us sitting chatting outside the pub watching people go passed.

By the end of the night I'd managed two further firsts. I now know what the inside of a ladies toilet looks like and I've also ridden in the back of a taxi in girl mode.

We'd talked about me having ticked off everything I could possibly need to do as a girl and certainly I managed to do quite a few things. I'm sure that in time I'll do everything.

It was an absolutely wonderful evening and it marked a major change in how I see myself. Until then I'd always had my doubts about whether or not I'd be able to cope with going out in public as Jenny. After Monday I now know that I might not pass completely and I will get stared at and most likely have people make comments but certainly if I've got friends with me then I have the confidence to strut my stuff down that catwalk that is life. I can do this, I've changed so much, I'm no longer shy and timid. I'm more confident and more chatty, I'm strong and sassy and I'm continuing to grown and change and in the next few weeks that's going to be tested to the max.

Counting down

Less than a month now and the invite has gone out to a few more people.

The rearranged date for me performing the burlesque routine that I've been learning is now approaching. Even more important at last night's class my teacher mentioned it to me and asked if I'd like to share it with the rest of the class so I did. I've now invited the 5 girls that were there to come along to see me dance as well as the friends that I'd already invited.

The invite will go out to the rest of the group at some point after I've spoken with my teacher properly.

The routine has change a little bit since she saw it last as we've had different teachers at the class for the last couple of weeks and as a result at least one of the poses that I was going to use has changed.

Last night's class was fabulous, we put together a routine to a song that we weren't totally comfortable with and then went over the routine, developing it and refining it to various other songs.

I have to admit I was feeling a bit down as I drove to Bristol last night, I just wasn't happy with my body and its current unmistakeably masculine look and so was feeling depressed. I almost turned the car around at one point and came home. In the end I got to Bristol, made it to the class and had a great time with the girls, even met someone new.

I do wonder if my future actually lies in Bristol rather than where I live at the moment. If the right opportunity came up to allow me to move live there either in the week or all the time, and to transition, then I'd take it. At the moment there is no sign of anything.

I had an email from a friend this week which mentioned that burlesque classes have started locally. Tempting as it is to go somewhere local, its going to be a lot cheaper, I'm enjoying the lessons in Bristol and my new friends. It would be interesting to go to a couple of lessons locally to see what they are like, but I might just arrange to meet up with my friend when she goes along. Perhaps I should go to a couple of lessons to give her some moral support!

Taking a class

I've written before about my burlesque lessons and preparing a routine to perform to some friends. A couple of times while doing that I was invited to join the intermediate class. Well this week I finally did just that.

It was fabulous!

The classes are on a Tuesday evening so I finished work a half an hour early and quickly changed into a tee-shirt and tracksuit bottoms so that I'd be comfortable during the lesson. Getting into the car I entered the address of the venue into the SatNav and found that I was going to be an hour early when I got there. As Homer Simpson would say "Doh!". There was no way that I could go home beforehand as it would mean getting questioned by my father-in-law who has been staying with us so I made a few stops on the way, one of which was to grab something to eat. Next time I'll arrange to visit a friend who lives in Bristol.

I eventually arrived at the venue with 15 minutes to spare and found that it was very busy as there was a show going on elsewhere in the building and people were arriving for that. Getting there is something that I'm going to have to think seriously about as at some point Jenny is going to make an appearance for the class and it will take a lot of confidence to walk from the car to the venue and then up to the dance studio.

I hung around outside the building watching people going in, a couple of women that went in I decided could be there for the class but wasn't sure, when I finally got into the dance studio I found that I was right.

I was incredibly nervous about going to the class. I wasn't sure how the other women were going to react. Would they be OK with me being there? Would they be a lot better than me? What would we be doing in the class? So many unknowns.

Eventually I decided that I couldn't wait any longer and had to go up to the class so I went in, asked where the class was and made my way to the studio.

Peering through the door I couldn't see anyone so pushed it open and went in. The rest of the class were at one end of the room and all turned to look at me as I entered. My teacher saw me and waved me in. I dumped my bag and joined the rest of the class. My instructor asked me if I wanted to be known "as J or B", female name or male name. "J" I answered so that's how I was introduced.

We started off with some warm ups and then a few people recapped what they'd done the previous week.

We then got into our heels and did some more warming up before starting to work through a routine.

Everyone is really good and moves so easily. I don't quite feel so natural just yet but I was amazed that I found myself walking quite well and also quite quickly in heels. These lessons are going to be so good for me when it comes to moving about as a woman, just need to get my movements to be a bit more fluid and a bit more feminine.

We went over the routine a good few times, adding bits to it as we mastered a section.

Being new there were somethings that I felt a bit shy about but with time I'm hoping that will change as I get to know people and feel more relaxed and confident.

We ended the evening by working on our burlesque characters in small groups. Each group had to come up with a group pose and a headline to go with it for each of the groups characters.

For my character we came up with a pose where I was recreating the famous Christine Keeler image with the chair while the other two posed as a married couple. The headline "Jenna Soils DFS Sofa".

Being spontaneously creative is something that I find really difficult, especially in a group setting. Doing these exercises is going to be a real challenge but its going to help me to develop as a person.

It does mean that I'm going to have to start thinking about my burlesque character of Jenna Von Risque.

I'm so looking forward to my next class now that I know what to expect.

One thing that did come out which I thought was fantastic and showed that the other women had no problem with me being there was when we were doing the exercise in the small group and I described my character and her costume. The other two promptly turned around and told me they couldn't wait to see my corset.

The sad bit is that I don't live in Bristol. It would be so better if I did as I wouldn't have so far to travel and I'd also be able to get to the shows and other events that the school and instructors are involved in. I'd also be able to go out with the girls when they organize a night out.

I told a friend about all this and she said that she has a feeling that my life is going to be in Bristol. I'm not sure how that is going to happen but if it did then I wouldn't object.

One step closer to starting the clock counting down to going full time

I saw the psychiatrist, in Taunton, again today and she has agreed to refer me to The Laurels Gender Identity Clinic in Exeter.
I don't know when I'll get my appointment with them as I'm now on two waiting lists. One at the clinic that my psychiatrist is at and the other at The Laurels.
When I get to the top of the list at my psychiatrist's clinic then I get referred to The Laurels and then go onto their waiting list.
With a bit of luck I'll have an appointment with The Laurels before the end of the year.

Now I simply have to start going out more as Jenny and also tell my son what is happening, but first to discuss all this with my wife so that she can make her own decision as to whether she wants to try and make a go of the marriage or not.

The decision as to whether or not to go full time before I get to The Laurels is mine. If I go full time beforehand then it works to my advantage as the time counts towards my Real Life Test, if I wait until I get to the GIC then I have to start the RLT at that point.
Having given it a little bit of thought, not too much but it was fairly obvious which option I'd choose, I've decided that I'm going to wait until I get to The Laurels in order to go full time so that I can have all the information that I need in order to go do things properly, things like how to go about telling work colleagues, changing my name and everything.

I've also got to think long and hard about whether I want to have full surgery or stop short. At the moment I want to have the full surgery. Having discussed my sexuality with the psychiatrist and having her give me two different viewpoints on that I will be waiting a while to make a final decision on that.

I was a little bit emotional after I left and was driving to Bristol. I'd have burst into tears if I wasn't so good at keeping my emotions under control and also wasn't doing 70 on the motorway.

An hour and a half of dance lesson did me the world of good though. I've got my burlesque routine sorted out, including all the bits to add a bit of POW! to it. One more lesson in the middle of April and then I will be performing it to some friends at the end of April so 6 weeks until Jenna Von Risque performs her first burlesque show. After that point I'll probably start going to the classes and learn a routine as part of a group. Once I've done that, well as my first routine is going to be me and not a character we jokingly said my third routine would be Dorothy from the the Wizard of Oz, my teacher said we could do it if she could be the Cowardly Lion. I might just remind her of that at some point!

Going out

In the last 8 months I've been out as myself a grand total of twice.

The first was last summer when I went to Sugar and Spiced for the first ever time and with Jo's help went for a walk in the afternoon to the local cemetary where I had lots of pictures of me taken.

The second time was in December when I again went to see Jo and this time had a much shorter trip out which took us into the local shopping area and then around a few of the side streets before returning back to Jo's.

On the both occasions I drove back from Portmouth without bothering to get changed and remove my make-up. Both times I stopped to see my hairdresser, the first time for a hair appointment and so she could see what I looked like with make-up in order to work out the best thing to do with my hair. The second time to say hello.

Tomorrow I've got my next burlesque lesson in Bristol. I'm going to be up at 5am, washed, shaved, hair styled (to the best of my ability) in a feminine style, make-up on, skirt and top then out of the house before 7am and the rest of the neighbours start moving around and going to work. My lesson is at 10am at the teachers home because I didn't want it to be at her friends house because of her husband and children being around. It wasn't possible to get another venue which is a mixed blessing as it would most likely have been in the city centre and meant me parking the car and then walking to the dance studio and back with lots of people about. A great test of how I deal with lots of other people but one that I might need some help with in order to do the first time. Especially as I don't have other people doing my hair and make-up for me.

At least the venue is away from the city centre so it will be a bit easier for me.

After the lesson I'm hoping that I'll be able to catch up with one of my friends in order that she can finally meet Jenny. That should be an interesting experience for us both.

It does look though that at least on the way up I'm going to be stopping off at the services on the motorway in order to stretch the journey out a little bit. On the way back it will be a bit easier as hopefully I can make a straight trip back. Only problem is that in order to get back into the house without running the guantlet of the neighbours I might just have to remove my make-up. I will be so glad when everything is out in the open and I don't have to do that.

Pictures and report when I get back.