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Sunday, 31 March 2019

Some thoughts on "How Netflix’s “Russian Doll” Helps Us Process Death" by Emily Swan


Emily Swan's article is on Medium: How Netflix's "Russian Doll" Helps Us Process Death

Great show, binge watched it just after it came out because I got hooked on it very quickly. Lots to think about, especially watching as Nadia deals with stuff that had gone on in her life, including trying to put right some things. 
I’m glad that, unlike in Groundhog Day, they didn’t go down the route of Nadia spending each iteration leading up to her death, fixing things she’d done wrong. That begs the question, if we could fix something once, is that enough in order to find forgiveness or should we be seeking that forgiveness over and over. 
I found the common wonderings you listed interesting. My Mum passed away several years ago and I wonder if during her last months she wondered those things. Dad passed away suddenly and wouldn’t have had a chance to think about those questions but he must have dwelled on some things because we feel that he knew something wasn’t right, had made his peace with life and was ready to go when the time came.
My son also passed away 18 months ago and during his last 6 months we focussed on doing things that he wanted to do and making memories for those of us left behind. He knew he was dying but we never really talked about how he felt about it. The only things I know about what was going through his head during those months were that he was worried about what would happen to his Mum and I after he was gone, and a few days before he died he said to me one evening in the hospice “I could die”. I never asked him what he meant so I don’t know whether he meant he’d had enough and was ready to move on, or whether for some reason he’d realised that he was dying and there was really was nothing that was going to change that.
Since he died I’ve spent time thinking about the things you listed but from my point of view and not his.
Why did he die? He’d spent 17 years being treated for Acute Lymphoblastic Leukaemia, and then after a bone marrow transplant sorted that out, multiple operations to remove tumours in various parts of his body. Why did he go through all of the treatment and operations in order to still die in the end?
Did I do something so that he deserved this? I have to wonder, if I’d done some of the things I have in my life differently, if I’d gone down the path God set before me when I was born and hadn’t eventually gone down the route I did go down, would Rhys still be alive. Seeing him pull through some many things over the years while I was still on the path I’d been on from birth, but then after I’d changed path, go through operation after operation until there was no chance of successful treatment. In my darker moments I blame myself for his death and see it as God punishing me for the decisions I’ve made.
And of course Is there a meaning or purpose to everything he went through? That I have some of an answer to. There were people at his funeral who knew each other but didn’t realise they had a connection through Rhys to each other. His ten pin bowling club created a new badge for them to wear that has RPLO on it, Rhys Powell Lives On. Someone decided to apply for a new position at work because after thinking about what he was going through decided that they could go for what they wanted to do, and got that job. And finally, someone else decided that they were going to get over something they were dealing with, for him.
I know that he had an impact on so many lives but I find myself wondering God’s purpose was putting him through all the illness and then having him die at 19 years of age. If he’d survived, he wanted to go into childcare, maybe even as a play specialist in a hospital. With his experience and understanding of what children go through when ill like that he could have helped so many other people, but it wasn’t to be. 
And what of my purpose now? From the moment he was first diagnosed my entire purpose in life has been to be the rock that he and his Mum can rely on no matter what was thrown at him. I’ve been the one to make sure that they had the strength they needed to get the through the really tough times. Now that he’s passed away, that purpose isn’t there any more. So what is my purpose? If that was my purpose in life, to get him through everything, then why am I still here? Why hasn’t God decided that I’ve served my purpose and called me home to him? If I’ve still got a purpose in life, and I’m not still around as punishment, then what is it and when will He reveal it?

Thursday, 21 March 2019

Cyprus 2019 - day 12


20th March 2019

Final day in Cyprus. I didn’t sleep very well, tossing and turning throughout the night. I’ve not slept brilliantly the whole time I’ve been here. That’s just highlighted how much I normally sleep. Three to five hours then tossing and turning. When I get back home, I’m going to wear my Garmin to bed for a week and look at my sleep pattern using that.

It’s another sunny morning, blue skies, birds singing. Most of my things are packed ready to leave. I’ve just got a few last-minute things to put in my bag and rucksack and then I’m ready to go.

Breakfast first though as that is probably going to e what fuels me for the entire day, other than some drinks.

I’m going to write this entry as I go along, it will give me something to do.

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The drive to the airport was almost as pleasant as the drive to Ayia Napa, just a bit more traffic to contend with but the sun was shining, and the scenery was fabulous.

Going through security was again a bit of a delay but that was because even leaving my camera lenses in my bag, while taking my laptop and camera out, merits a rescan of everything. Something to remember for when I go to Finland.

Now it’s just a case of sitting and waiting for my flight to be called, which shouldn’t be long.

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The flight back was uneventful. I managed to read 3 of the 5 stories in my book.

For about the last hour of the flight, whenever I looked out the window of the aeroplane all I could see was white clouds. It looked like a snow-covered landscape. If I’d not known that we were at 34,000 feet I could have imagined that we were flying low over the Antarctic landscape.

I also found myself imaging a giant sky whale surfacing from within the clouds before diving back into them once more. A great idea for a short story perhaps.

The drive home from the airport was uneventful. I was glad to see Tracey and be back home again.

Before I went to bed, I finished watching The Umbrella Academy. Definitely a series I want to watch when they bring out season 2.

I also had my first taste of Metaxa. Boy, is that easy to drink, and to drink too much of.

Tuesday, 19 March 2019

Cyprus 2019 - day 11


19th March 2019

Last full day in Cyprus. Tomorrow I fly back to the UK.

I’ve not done a lot today. Went for a spa treatment this morning, slimming massage. It was nice.

The rest of the day has been chilling and watching The Umbrella Academy which I’d downloaded from Netflix.

Well not all of it. I went finished packing the last bits I could and went out for a short walk this afternoon. Bought a few last-minute presents, had a few beers, dinner and now I’m getting ready to go to bed and get a good night’s sleep. Tomorrow will be a long day.

A two-hour drive to Paphos airport, filling up the hire car with petrol before I drop it off.

Lugging a large bag and a bike box from the car hire place to baggage drop off. Sitting around departures waiting for my flight. A five-hour flight back to the UK. Pick up luggage. Catch a bus to the car park. Hour or so drive home and then bed for a few hours, knowing that I’ll have to get up 2 hours earlier than I’ve had to the last few days in order to get Tracey off to work, and on Thursday and Friday for me to get to the pool and gym so that I can get back into my training.

I still find myself having regrets about not doing better in Sunday’s race. When I’ve seen the sea looking almost completely calm and know that if those had been the conditions I’d have got around the swim and then most likely gone on to complete the bike and run, I feel disappointed but I have to keep telling myself, if I’d had an easy swim then I wouldn’t have any idea that I need to work harder to become a stronger swimmer so that I can overcome conditions like that in the future.

Monday, 18 March 2019

Cyprus 2019 - day 10


18th March 2019

Today has been the first day after the triathlon and I didn’t have to do any training. It was great not having to get up before 7 in order to be at the pool for 8, or at transition before 7 to set up my kit.

Breakfast was a leisurely affair which was followed by booking myself a sports massage and a slimming treatment in the spa.

After that I wandered into Ayia Napa to the monastery.

It wasn’t as big as I thought it might be, but it was a lovely place to visit. The church that forms its centre, is partly built from a cave. Inside there are several icons depicting the Virgin Mary.

For the second time this trip I lit a candle for Rhys, but this time included Mum and Dad. I also left a prayer for health request for Tracey, Annette, Jess and Charlotte.

After wandering around the rest of the monastery and the area outside, I went back into the church and prayed to the Virgin Mary. Something I’ve not done for a long time because I was never taught to pray to her so it’s something I do infrequently.

The walk to and from the monastery was simple, even though I took a more roundabout route getting there, I took a more direct one coming back. Ayia Napa is an interesting town, full of places that wouldn’t be out of place in any town in the UK, but with a few places that you wouldn’t find on your British High Street; like a strip club.

As a lone trans woman I felt surprisingly safe walking around. Is this just me? Have I developed an attitude where I don’t care about my safety if it means I get to explore new places? I don’t know.

The sports massage was great, even if I had to be told several times to relax, not tense up, and let the therapist move limbs around. It’s going to hurt tomorrow but I’m not going worry about it because I know that I needed it.

As much as I’ve loved being around people for the last week and a bit, it’s nice to have a couple of days to myself. Accountable to just myself, and able to go and explore where I want, when I want.

Tomorrow will be a road trip after my spa treatment.

Cyprus 2019 - day 9


17th March 2019

I knew my head wasn’t in the right place when it came to this race. From the moment I realised the cut-off times, mentally I wasn’t in the right mindset.

I thought doing this race would be a good thing, and in a way it has been. It’s made me realise that sea swims aren’t for me. Pool or lake swims I’m much better with. It’s also taught me that I need to look at the details of races more before I enter them.

Right now I feel like a complete failure. I failed Rhys by not protecting him , by not doing everything I should have done in order to keep him alive. I was never the father that he deserved.

I promised him I would do things and I’ve consistently failed to meet those promises.

I’m probably never going to fulfil those promises, so I might as well just give up and die.

But that’s not going to happen because I’ll always reach the point where I don’t have the courage to end my own life, and God will never do me the favour of taking my life.

Going on and on without Rhys is my punishment, and God is going to go easy on me and let me have eternal rest because that would be too easy for me.

Watching from the balcony of my hotel room I can see everyone who has finished their race walking around with their finisher’s medals, something I’m not going to have.

Laura, one of the elite squad, has been really encouraging and has said I’m a lot stronger than last year. My swimming, cycling and running during the training camp were definitely better than last year. Apart from a couple of sessions I achieved everything that I was asked to do. I can continue training and I’ll get better at each of them but that’s not going to help when it comes to races.

Sitting here staring out at the blue sea and sky, watching everyone who has achieved what I couldn’t today makes me realise how talentless I am.

Rhys never ever gave up. He kept trying, he kept fighting for life. He was so much stronger than I am, and it’s unfair that I’m here and he’s not.

Rhys is the one that should be sitting here enjoying this view. Rhys is the one who should be exploring the world. Not me. My time has come and gone.

I just wish that God would answer my prayers and end my life here on Earth.

I really need to start considering the things I’m doing and start thinking about giving them up.

Gender Identity lead for the LGBT network at work. There are people that would do a better job of it than me. I need to finish up the work I’ve been doing on the awareness course and then once that’s been dealt with, stand down as lead and let someone better do the role.

Diversity and inclusion champion for the site. Again there are people who are better qualified to do the role, people with more drive and skill. Once I’ve stood down from the LGBT network I need to stand down from that too.

Burlesque. I think I should do the same thing with that. I’m never going to be good enough as  a performer. Why pretend?

And photography. I’m never going to make it as a photographer. I’m not sure if I even have what it takes to do the degree course. I do OK stuff for the foundation course but nothing really special. I’m going to finish the degree course and then probably go back to being an everyday type of photographer.
Just fade into the background and lead a quiet, dull, uneventful life until the day I finally stop breathing and my heart stops beating.

Cyprus 2019 - day 8

16th March 2019
Picked up the hire car, had breakfast, packed the car and headed for Ayia Napa and Nissi Beach Resort. Race day tomorrow.
Knowing that I’ve not completed a triathlon inside of the race cut off time has made me nervous.
I’ve got to focus on just completing each of the elements and if I don’t, then it becomes a learning experience and something to take away and look at going forward.
I’m not racing for a place. I’m not racing for a podium. Tomorrow’s race is just a stepping stone on fulfilling the promise I made to Rhys that I would complete all the Outlaw races, and that is my target for next year. Not the races I’m doing this year. They are just a way for me to get experience of doing middle distance races and then going long.
Who knows what I’ll do after next year? Will I carry on with triathlons or will I stop? Will I go for shorter distances? Will I pick races in places I want to visit? Who knows?
The drive to Ayia Napa was quite pleasant, apart from a bit of rain. The motorways are dual carriageways in reality but the traffic on them is a lot less that you would get on a UK motorway, which was a refreshing change.
After tomorrow’s race I can chill and enjoy myself without any pressure. Something I’m looking forward to, and will undoubtedly be discussing with Steph when I get back to the UK.

Friday, 15 March 2019

Cyprus 2019 - day 7


15th March 2019

Today is the last day of the training camp. I managed to get a couple of hours sleep last night, a bit more than the night before but only about 5 minutes more deep sleep.

Hopefully I’ll be able to get a decent amount of sleep tonight. Tomorrow night isn’t going to be the best night’s sleep because I need to be up super early Sunday morning to get my bike, cycling and running kit, and everything else I need after the swim, to my place in transition. With transition only open between 5am and 7am that’s going to be a super early start. Hopefully I’ll be able to grab a bite to eat far enough in advance of the race start at the hotel. Nothing heavy. Just some porridge or a bowl of fruit.

Today’s training sessions were the usual early morning swim. Not as far as other days but still far enough, especially as I was swimming with paddles on my hands for the entire session.

When I get home, I need to trim them down to fit my hands better and use them during my sessions a couple of times a week. The last week has highlighted that I need to spend more time in the pool in order to increase my swim strength and speed.

After breakfast we had a time trial bike session. We did the session this morning, while still dealing with full stomachs, because the forecast for the afternoon was heavy rain. Something which came true in style when we got thunder and lightning.

I managed nearly fourteen miles during the TT session. Not bad for me, and something I’m hoping carries forward to Sunday and beyond.

Coming back for a second year’s training has been good, especially when you add in racing Ayia Napa, as I’ve had a couple of sessions where I’ve had slightly more challenging things to do. Like in the TT sessions where I’ve had to do longer loops with sections of “mad” efforts.

This time last year I would have been absolutely shattered. This year, I’m tired but my muscles aren’t aching and sore. If anything, I think I’ve recovered well after most of the sessions. A bit of soreness but nothing that a few days recovery won’t sort out.

If I wasn’t racing Ayia Napa on Sunday, I’d be dismantling my bike and packing it in the bike box and putting the rest of my clothes and gear in my bag ready to catch a flight home tomorrow. As it is, the bike will end up going in the car along with the bike box and then getting dismantled and packed away on Monday. The rest of my stuff will either get tossed in the box or in the bag depending on whether I’m going to need it or not, and whether it’s wet and dirty or clean.

I’ve spent a bit of money, but not masses and masses. The next few days will see me spending a bit more but with luck I’ll still have enough left over for when I go to Finland and won’t be having to get more Euros in order to go out there, or at least not huge amounts.

Although it’s been great having company for the last week, I’m looking forward to having a bit of time to myself next week in Ayia Napa. Monday I’m just going to chill and recover, not going very far. On Tuesday I’m going to go and visit the Monastery there and maybe will get a bit more of a sense of God’s presence. Something I’ve not felt for a long time.

Thursday, 14 March 2019

Cyprus 2019 - day 6


14th March 2019

Not quite as tiring a day today.

This morning started as most mornings have this week with a swim. On this occasion I opted to wear my wetsuit because I’ve not swum in it since last summer. It was fine in the pool but I took it off part way through the session.

The second session today was an easy run. I opted to head in the opposite direction to most of my runs and found myself passing the church and running out towards the airport. Not far because I decided to stop and look at the scenery, doing the same thing on my way back.

Tomorrow is the last day of the training camp, morning swim and bike ride. The weather is not supposed to be very good, with rain forecast. Hopefully we can get the bike out of the way before it rains.

Last night I really struggled to sleep. I managed a couple of hours but then dozed the rest of the night away.

This afternoon I found myself shivering violently, a couple of hours after my run. I was going to have a shower anyway but desperately needed it to warm myself up.

Saturday will be a day of logistics. Getting the hire car, packing everything in to it. Driving to Ayia Napa and the hotel. Picking up my race pack and some last-minute items, inner tubes in particular. Dinner then an early night so that I can be up early on Sunday morning to get my bike and other kit into transition before 7am. An hour and a half waiting around, mostly spent in my hotel room and then it will be showtime.

I don’t know how I’m going to do on Sunday. I’m confident that I’ll finish the race, even if I have to use a walk/run strategy to get across the line. This week’s training will certainly have helped me to do that.

Monday and Tuesday will be nice relaxing days. Monday to recover after the race and Tuesday to do a bit of exploring.
Then on Wednesday it will be time to go back home and this year’s stay in Cyprus will be over with and it will be time to start thinking about Stourhead and the improvements I need to make for that race.

Wednesday, 13 March 2019

Cyprus 2019 - day 5


13th March 2019

Today has been exhausting.

The morning started off with 2500 metres in the pool as usual. Nothing too strenuous but it was just the first session of the day.

After breakfast there was a couple of hours before the second session. Hill repeats on the bike on the road leading to the golf club, just like last year.

Unlike last year I failed to get to the top of the hill even once. For the most part it was down to mechanical issues with the bike and not being able to get in a suitable gear to keep grinding up the hill. To say that I was extremely disappointed with my efforts is an understatement. Disgusted would be a better way to put it.

The final session of the day was an optional 30 minute run. As a result of my performance on the hill reps I decided to go out for the run. It was OK and I found myself back at the resort just as thunder began to be heard.

At 4 o’clock the heavens opened, and we had a full-blown thunderstorm.

Dinner tonight was in the Pantheon restaurant at the hotel complex. Buffet style, which gave the chance to eat far more than we would have managed any other night. In the end I found myself working through soup, salad, main course, pudding and coffee.

I’ve now got just enough strength to write this entry before I get my head down and sleep.

Cyprus 2019 - day 4


9th March 2019

Arrived in Paphos. Long day.

Got up at 6am, didn’t feel like eating so just had a coffee and sat watching an episode of Star Trek: Voyager for an hour before getting ready to leave.

Felt a bit disappointed when I did set off as Tracey had come down to see me off but by the time, I’d reversed the car and was driving up the street she’d gone back to the house. When we’ve had other visitors, we’ll wave them off and wait until they’ve driven out of sight before going back to the house. I, at least, expected her to do the same for me.

The trip to Bristol airport was uneventful and I got there with plenty of time, which was good, because after checking in and weighing my bags I was honest enough with the airline staff about the CO2 cartridges I had in my hand luggage. For the next 20 to 30 minutes they tried to figure out how many I could take in my hand luggage and in the end it came down to how many security would allow through, which turned out to be 2.

The fast track security took a bit longer than when I’ve been through normal security as they went through my bag, unpacked it, rescanned it and the contents and even did swabs on it. I even had to go through a scanner myself and be checked, because of the finger armour I was wearing, I think. Thank goodness I wasn’t pre-surgery or that could have been interesting.

The flight was delayed taking off by about an hour and apart from some turbulence was uneventful. Looking out the window at various times I could see snow capped mountains through the clouds at times as we flew across Europe. At one point, jet travelling in the other direction, rocketed across the sky in the distance.

As the sun began to set, I noticed that some of the clouds took on a red glow, not the normal sunset glow because the colour seemed to be isolated to spots.

One thing I learned travelling was that when I go to Finland it should be a lot easier because I’ll only need the minimum amount of sports kit, pretty much just race kit, and not the amount I’m brought with me this time. That should make life a bit easier.

Check-in at the Aliathon was nice and easy. I’ve not got an apartment like last year with a separate bedroom., This time it’s more of a studio apartment with the bed in the living area. It’s perfectly fine for my needs.

We went out for a meal at a fish restaurant and I got to meet Julian and the others. Rob and Fiona are here so I’ve got some people I know already. I’ve also got to meet two of the others. I’m getting the feeling that I’m going to be the least experienced triathlete of the group again this year but that’s fine. I’m not here to compete against anyone, I’m here to get some intensive training in and then take part in next weekend’s race and get an idea of where I am with regards to my training and racing.

Yesterday was a tough day in some respects. When I got up, I found myself regretting my decision to come.  I felt slightly sick, so I didn’t want anything to eat. If I could have justified pulling out of the week, I probably would have done but I couldn’t.

Even travelling to the airport, I found myself thinking about pulling out, but I’d spent to much, I’d told too many people what I was doing, it would have been too hard to pull out and have to explain to people.

I think part of the reason I felt that way is because I mentally and emotionally I’m still recovering from losing Rhys and I feel more comfortable in an environment I know. Coming to the training camp last year was exciting but was also part of the plan to achieve what I’d set out to do. This year more of a precursor to racing next weekend, but I’m more aware of what I’m doing and being more sensible about it, so I didn’t need to do the week. I didn’t need to race at Ayia Napa next weekend. I could have carried on training at home and gone to work this week.

But I need the downtime. I need the break. I need the chance to build up my strength before things get a little bit hectic again and I’m juggling work commitments and triathlon training.

On the way out I was reading Brene Brown’s book Braving the Wilderness. In it she describes how she uses post-it notes to write down things she’s giving herself permission to do. I don’t have any post-it notes so I’ve started a Word document that I can write down the things I give myself permission to do.

My first entry is:

I give myself permission to have fun in Cyprus for the next week and a half. Chilling, training and racing.

And that’s what I’m going to try and do.




March 10th 2019

Day 2 in Paphos, Cyprus. Last day before the training camp starts.

Most of this morning was spent putting my bike back together. Although it wasn’t too difficult a job, there were a few hiccups.

First, I couldn’t find the screw that holds the handlebars to the stem. I knew I’d put it in the bike box but it had been loose so I wasn’t sure if it had fallen out at home or if it might have fallen out because someone had opened my bike box in transit. In the end it was neither, it had fallen out when I opened the box in my room. Phew!

Putting the bike back together was simple enough but then I hit the second issue, snapping the tire valve when pumping up the rear tyre. Grr! With only two spare inner tubes with my I had to use one of them up. Hopefully I won’t need to use up my other spare, although the support vehicle has plenty so if I do run into any problems, I can use one of those.

This afternoon I wandered into Paphos. Like last year I took my camera and took lots of photographs. Not as many as last year, but I was more focussed on what I was looking for this time. Cats and things like cans and plastic bottles. I got plenty of both and think I have enough photos of beer cans and other items that I can complete my still life exercise.

Walking back to the hotel I stopped off at the church I visited last year. After praying briefly, I lit a candle for Rhys. This is beginning to be an annual event, although I’m not sure I’ll be lighting one every year in Paphos.

The last part of the afternoon was spent taking the bike out for a ride to make sure that it was OK. It was, although I think I stopped the bike computer half way through the ride by mistake.

The rest of the evening was spent in the pub watching the Ireland v France rugby match and then meeting up with everyone for a meal.

Tomorrow training starts in earnest. It should be an interesting week.




March 11th 2019

Cycling, cycling and more cycling.

Today started off with bike time trial session. Up and down the dual carriageway. I remember it from last year. However, Perry remembered me and offered me the chance to do a harder session involving intervals of easy and mad cycling. Of course, I had to accept the challenge. I want to try and push myself this week and see how much I’ve improved. 19 miles later and I had my answer. I’m a lot stronger on the bike than I was last year.

The rest of the morning passed restfully. Breakfast then back to the room to chill and relax lying on the bed.

This afternoon was another bike ride, we hadn’t been able to do a pool session because it’s a bank holiday and the pool wasn’t available.

Our route took us out to Aphrodite’s Rock, a place we cycled out to last year. Although I eventually found myself dropping away from the rest of the group, I was only a couple of minutes after them arriving. I’m sure that was a lot better than last year.

On our return I allowed everyone to get a head start on the downhill section and then made my own way back, at my own pace. Quite a lot quicker than last year too I’m sure. My cycling has come along a long way in 12 months.

In the end the second bike session saw me covering just over 30 miles. In total 50 miles of cycling in a day, 6 miles short of what I’ll be doing at Ayia Napa next weekend.

Today has been a really tiring one. Tomorrow may be an easier one, I certainly won’t be covering as much distance. Swim first thing, followed by a session at the athletic track, and maybe something else later in the day.

Whatever happens with training this week and the race on Sunday I’m going to be going back home with ideas for things I need to work on.




12th March 2019

Today started off with a swim session. Water was a bit cold when you first go in but you very quickly didn’t notice it, unless of course you hit a particularly warm or cold section.

The pool is 50 metres long, double the length of my local pool so it was a bit more of a challenge to swim each length. Like last year we were doing easy and mad, swimming with a pull buoy for the entire session.

My swimming has improved but it could better, so I’m going to have to start trying to get in additional sessions when I get back home, maybe even do the Saturday morning swim at Oxley as well as the Tuesday night swim, and then fit in an extra two sessions. Whatever it takes so that I can get my swim time down and give me a bit more of a chance with the bike and run legs.

Getting back to the hotel it was breakfast time. Although the selection available wasn’t as good as it would have been at the start of the day there was enough for me after I’d had fruit, bacon, eggs, beans, some mushrooms sausages.

Certainly enough to fuel the second session of the day.

I remember the track session from last year and I’m sure that it wasn’t as hard as it was this time. Non-stop running, even for the easy parts. Bends and straights, easy on the bends, flat out on the straights. Four laps like that, then two easy laps. Do that twice and then four easy laps to finish.

I managed the warm up and both sets of bends and straights but when it came to the last four laps I was out of time and everybody was finishing the session. If I’d not stopped so long to get a drink after the main part of the session, I’d have got a couple of extra laps in.

The last session of the day was a recovery run. I decided I’d go and run on my own so I could set my own pace. My route was the same as our first early run at the camp last year and took me to the harbour at Paphos. Stopping at a point that I would be able to remember if I come out for training camps in the future, I took a short breather before heading back.

Dinner was vegetarian sushi, eaten with chopsticks and very filling. I even found myself trying a few other things, calamari heads as well as a few other things I wasn’t sure of. It’s funny but it’s really easy to eat things when you don’t know what they are.

It was a hard day and the first since I’ve been here where I didn’t have more than one Keo, instead returning to the apartment and getting an early night.

Monday, 11 March 2019

Cyprus 2019 - day 3


March 11th 2019

Cycling, cycling and more cycling.

Today started off with bike time trial session. Up and down the dual carriageway. I remember it from last year. However, Perry remembered me and offered me the chance to do a harder session involving intervals of easy and mad cycling. Of course, I had to accept the challenge. I want to try and push myself this week and see how much I’ve improved. 19 miles later and I had my answer. I’m a lot stronger on the bike than I was last year.

The rest of the morning passed restfully. Breakfast then back to the room to chill and relax lying on the bed.

This afternoon was another bike ride, we hadn’t been able to do a pool session because it’s a bank holiday and the pool wasn’t available.

Our route took us out to Aphrodite’s Rock, a place we cycled out to last year. Although I eventually found myself dropping away from the rest of the group, I was only a couple of minutes after them arriving. I’m sure that was a lot better than last year.

On our return I allowed everyone to get a head start on the downhill section and then made my own way back, at my own pace. Quite a lot quicker than last year too I’m sure. My cycling has come along a long way in 12 months.

In the end the second bike session saw me covering just over 30 miles. In total 50 miles of cycling in a day, 6 miles short of what I’ll be doing at Ayia Napa next weekend.

Today has been a really tiring one. Tomorrow may be an easier one, I certainly won’t be covering as much distance. Swim first thing, followed by a session at the athletic track, and maybe something else later in the day.

Whatever happens with training this week and the race on Sunday I’m going to be going back home with ideas for things I need to work on.

Sunday, 10 March 2019

Cyprus 2019 - day 2


Second day in Paphos, Cyprus. Last day before the training camp starts.

Most of this morning was spent putting my bike back together. Although it wasn’t too difficult a job, there were a few hiccups.

First, I couldn’t find the screw that holds the handlebars to the stem. I knew I’d put it in the bike box but it had been loose so I wasn’t sure if it had fallen out at home or if it might have fallen out because someone had opened my bike box in transit. In the end it was neither, it had fallen out when I opened the box in my room. Phew!

Putting the bike back together was simple enough but then I hit the second issue, snapping the tire valve when pumping up the rear tyre. Grr! With only two spare inner tubes with my I had to use one of them up. Hopefully I won’t need to use up my other spare, although the support vehicle has plenty so if I do run into any problems, I can use one of those.

This afternoon I wandered into Paphos. Like last year I took my camera and took lots of photographs. Not as many as last year, but I was more focussed on what I was looking for this time. Cats and things like cans and plastic bottles. I got plenty of both and think I have enough photos of beer cans and other items that I can complete my still life exercise.

Walking back to the hotel I stopped off at the church I visited last year. After praying briefly, I lit a candle for Rhys. This is beginning to be an annual event, although I’m not sure I’ll be lighting one every year in Paphos.

The last part of the afternoon was spent taking the bike out for a ride to make sure that it was OK. It was, although I think I stopped the bike computer half way through the ride by mistake.

The rest of the evening was spent in the pub watching the Ireland v France rugby match and then meeting up with everyone for a meal.

Tomorrow training starts in earnest. It should be an interesting week.

Cyprus 2019 - day 1

March 9th 2019


Arrived in Paphos. Long day.

Got up at 6am, didn’t feel like eating so just had a coffee and sat watching an episode of Star Trek: Voyager for an hour before getting ready to leave.

Felt a bit disappointed when I did set off as Tracey had come down to see me off but by the time, I’d reversed the car and was driving up the street she’d gone back to the house. When we’ve had other visitors, we’ll wave them off and wait until they’ve driven out of sight before going back to the house. I, at least, expected her to do the same for me.

The trip to Bristol airport was uneventful and I got there with plenty of time, which was good, because after checking in and weighing my bags I was honest enough with the airline staff about the CO2 cartridges I had in my hand luggage. For the next 20 to 30 minutes they tried to figure out how many I could take in my hand luggage and in the end it came down to how many security would allow through, which turned out to be 2.

The fast track security took a bit longer than when I’ve been through normal security as they went through my bag, unpacked it, rescanned it and the contents and even did swabs on it. I even had to go through a scanner myself and be checked, because of the finger armour I was wearing, I think. Thank goodness I wasn’t pre-surgery or that could have been interesting.

The flight was delayed taking off by about an hour and apart from some turbulence was uneventful. Looking out the window at various times I could see snow capped mountains through the clouds at times as we flew across Europe. At one point, jet travelling in the other direction, rocketed across the sky in the distance.

As the sun began to set, I noticed that some of the clouds took on a red glow, not the normal sunset glow because the colour seemed to be isolated to spots.

One thing I learned travelling was that when I go to Finland it should be a lot easier because I’ll only need the minimum amount of sports kit, pretty much just race kit, and not the amount I’m brought with me this time. That should make life a bit easier.

Check-in at the Aliathon was nice and easy. I’ve not got an apartment like last year with a separate bedroom., This time it’s more of a studio apartment with the bed in the living area. It’s perfectly fine for my needs.

We went out for a meal at a fish restaurant and I got to meet Julian and the others. Rob and Fiona are here so I’ve got some people I know already. I’ve also got to meet two of the others. I’m getting the feeling that I’m going to be the least experienced triathlete of the group again this year but that’s fine. I’m not here to compete against anyone, I’m here to get some intensive training in and then take part in next weekend’s race and get an idea of where I am with regards to my training and racing.

Yesterday was a tough day in some respects. When I got up, I found myself regretting my decision to come.  I felt slightly sick, so I didn’t want anything to eat. If I could have justified pulling out of the week, I probably would have done but I couldn’t.

Even travelling to the airport, I found myself thinking about pulling out, but I’d spent to much, I’d told too many people what I was doing, it would have been too hard to pull out and have to explain to people.

I think part of the reason I felt that way is because I mentally and emotionally I’m still recovering from losing Rhys and I feel more comfortable in an environment I know. Coming to the training camp last year was exciting but was also part of the plan to achieve what I’d set out to do. This year more of a precursor to racing next weekend, but I’m more aware of what I’m doing and being more sensible about it, so I didn’t need to do the week. I didn’t need to race at Ayia Napa next weekend. I could have carried on training at home and gone to work this week.

But I need the downtime. I need the break. I need the chance to build up my strength before things get a little bit hectic again and I’m juggling work commitments and triathlon training.

On the way out I was reading Brene Brown’s book Braving the Wilderness. In it she describes how she uses post-it notes to write down things she’s giving herself permission to do. I don’t have any post-it notes so I’ve started a Word document that I can write down the things I give myself permission to do.

My first entry is:

I give myself permission to have fun in Cyprus for the next week and a half. Chilling, training and racing.

And that’s what I’m going to try and do.