Saturday, 21 August 2010

One more step

Apologies in advance, this is a bit of a long post as its been a fairly crucial week in my life.

This week has been a bit of a strain. On several occasions I've actually felt physically sick and seriously depressed.
The first was when I received the emaill from my sister telling me how she felt about my plans to transition and that carried on into the evening when I had to give up on eating dinner.
The second was on Wednesday evening when, with our son away for a week, I'd planned to sit down and tell my wife about my plans. In the end I felt so sick while eating that I had to stop after a couple of mouthfuls. In the end I couldn't manage to talk to her.
Thursday morning before I set of for work I sent her an email to say that we needed to discuss things, she's know about the female part of me since just after we met, as we've avoided the topic for a long time even though she can't miss the clothes in my wardrobe.
Her first response to the email actually asked if I was thinking about a sex change. Well even though I can sometimes be a bit insensitive I wasn't going to say yes to that in an email.
Throughout the day we traded messages.
By the time I finished work I was beginning to be a bit of a mess emotionally, I've been like that for the last couple of weeks to be honest. Rather than go straight home I paid a visit to my vicar and his wife, who I'd contacted earlier in the day to ask if it would be Ok to have a quick chat.
T, the vicar, wasn't in but H, his wife, was there. After clearing the living room of her daughter and making me a coffee we sat down for a chat.

Ok, now this is going to be the really scarey bit.

I'd taken in the briefcase that I keep all the information I've received from visits to the doctors.
Looking at H I asked if I could give her something to get rid of for me. Without waiting for a response I opened the briefcase and removed two vitamins containers and several packets of paracetomol. In total there must have been about 150 tablets that I'd been collecting over the last 6 months or so. I had gotten so low that I'd seriously considered overdosing.
H took the tablets to dispose of and we talked about that and also about the upcoming chat. Two things came out of the chat, the first that the paracetomol wasn't an answer to anything, and yes I realise that it isn't. The second was that I really do need to think about my son in all of this and how I to keep trying to me without causing him any hurt. A point that my sister had made at the beginning of the week.
Before left H and T's, T prayed for me and my family.

As I got into my car to drive home a sense of peace came over me.

When I got home, my wife and I sat down to eat dinner. I pretty much managed to eat all of it even if I was a bit subdued while doing it.

After dinner I did a few chores and then with no other reasons to delay sat down in the living room with my wife to chat about things.
Well for the next 2 hours we talked, well mainly I did. I told her everything that she needed to know. I told her about going to the doctor and psychiatrist. I told her about telling my parents and sister and their reactions. I told her about going to Portmouth to Sugar and Spiced and about going out to have photos taken, I even showed her the photos of me out and about. I told her about driving back to Mere and going for my hair appointment. She'd already noticed that I'd been having my body waxed so I told her about that.
For 2 hours we discussed things and although she wiped tears from her eyes a number of times she didn't scream or rant or shout or any of the things that I had expected. She really did surprise me with how calmly she took it.

So where am I know with regard to all this.

Yesterday morning I rang Dr Brooks' secretary but both of them are on vacation, her secretary will be back on Monday so I'll be ringing again then to make an appointment.

My wife and I have agreed that we will continue to keep things from our son. He's only 12 and has had a rough time since he was 2 years of age. At the moment he is still a bit vulnerable and does need protecting. I'm going to see Dr Brooks and see what options there are for me to continue getting help for my gender dysphoria but with the intention of being able to delay fully transitioning until he's a bit older. I still fully intend to transition but not go full time until the impact on him is not so great.

In the meantime my wife and I are going to look at opportunities for me to spend time as myself either on my own or with her. She doesn't want to go anywhere that we might bump into people that we know so it will mean going other places. Who knows perhaps we'll even manage a few day at Sparkle in Manchester next year. Now that would be really good.

She obviously is going to need a bit of time to digest all of this and things might change. She is trying to be more accomodating and has asked me nearly every night since why I'm not wearing a nightie to bed.
Today we're going out for a bit and then later this afternoon I'll be having a nice bubble bath and slipping into a nice outfit so that she can see me properly for the first time in years. I'll make us a nice dinner and then we can settle down for a quiet evening.

The one thing that could change all of this is that she is going to be having a chat with her mother at some point after I've seen Dr Brooks and we know what is happening from that perspective. How her mother reacts will have a lot of weight on what happens in the future. My wife is heavily influenced by her mum and sister. If her mum is against it then things could get really interesting once again. Personally I'd rather she talked to her mum beforehand so that I know how she has reacted by the time of my appointment.

Should be an interesting couple of months ahead.

1 comment:

  1. Its been a very stressful time leading up to being able to talk with my wife.

    It was a difficult post to write.

    I'm just grateful that I had someone that I could go to and talk things through with.
    The fact that I'd been that low and felt that way would have been part of the reason that my wife took things as well as she did.

    Anyway, I now have my next appointment with the psychiatrist. Contacted them on Friday as I'd not heard anything and was told I will get a letter but that I have an appointment for the 22nd September. Can't wait.