Long day - but what a day!

Yesterday I was up at 4:45am in order to get ready to travel from home to Bristol for my burlesque lesson. Bristol is just over an hour drive away but I needed to be away before the natives were up and about so that they wouldn't be disturbed by the sight of me in makeup.

I shaved and then had a leisurely coffee and a bit of a read of the book I'm working through at the moment (Raymond E. Feist's At the Gates of Darkness) in order to let my skin settle.

Foundation and powder followed with another break in order to allow me to try to work some straightener magic with my hair.

Back to the make-up and the rest of it was slapped on. With my face finally in a reasonable state I went over my hair a second time and then left it at that.

I got dressed, finished sorting out my  sports bag and handbag and with a deep breath left the house and made my way across the 50 or so yards to my car. Bags on back seat, key in ignition, satnav on windscreen...

Satnav? Where is the satnav? Oh no, its back in the house. A 50 yard walk back to the house, in, pick up Satnav and then walk back to the car.

Nobody saw me so I was fine.

As my lesson was at 10am I had plenty of time to spare and so took the scenic route to Bristol via the M5. I stopped off at one of the services and sat in the car drinking a coffee from the flask I'd taken for that purpose. I was there for about an hour quietly enjoying reading my book.

Eventually I set off again and after an uneventful journey arrived in Bristol at the dance instructors home. With ample space in the street I was able to park my car within yards of her house.

There was nobody around so it was a short walk to the door, knock and then get let in.

The lesson went well, we worked on a few extra techniques and then started putting them together into the finished routine. It basically consists of a lot of strutting, bumps and grinds, removal of gloves and stockings and some boa work. Oh and a lot of fun for everyone.

The last run through of the lesson was recorded so I've got something to look over to check what I'm doing. My next lesson is in 2 weeks time, right after my next psychiatrist appointment, and we'll be polishing the it so that shortly I'll be able to actually perform it to a select group of people.

My instructor has also extended an invitation to me to join some classes and to perform in one of the dance school showcase performances. I'm going to think about those though. Maybe once I've done this performance.

After the lesson I headed homeward with another stop planned,, this time to visit with my friend K. We had a lovely lunch together and spent the rest of the afternoon chatting about this and that. It was the first time that K had met Jenny even though she's seen pictures. The afternoon was fabulous and we talked and talked.

There were two interruptions, one from some boys wanting to see her son who is away, and the other from H, our vicar's wife.

The latter visit wasn't expected and K would have been willing to put her off or even usher me upstairs out of the way but in the end as H knows about me, although she also hasn't seen Jenny in the flesh just some pictures, I said it was ok if she came in and called out a warning to H to be prepared as I wasn't how she usually saw me.

We all chatted about how things were going for each of us until eventually H had to leave. Up until yesterday nobody knew that K was aware of my plans. Well at least one person does now, and also is aware that I know what is going on in K's life. I expect I'll be pulled to one side and be having a chat with a couple of people at our church soon.

Eventually I had to borrow K's bathroom to put on some boy clothes and do a quick make-up removal so that I could return home. I still have to be careful where the neighbours are concerned. In the end I didn't see anyone close up, saw one in the distance but I doubt he registered my presence, but it was still very light and all it would take would be for one of them to see me and, even if they didn't recognise me, my going into the house would start some discussions.

The day eventually drew to a close with me trying to write this post while sitting on the bed at 9pm. At 10:30 when I woke up having fallen asleep I decided that enough was enough for one day and finally crawled into bed in my nightie and fell asleep properly after a very long and tiring day.

Going out

In the last 8 months I've been out as myself a grand total of twice.

The first was last summer when I went to Sugar and Spiced for the first ever time and with Jo's help went for a walk in the afternoon to the local cemetary where I had lots of pictures of me taken.

The second time was in December when I again went to see Jo and this time had a much shorter trip out which took us into the local shopping area and then around a few of the side streets before returning back to Jo's.

On the both occasions I drove back from Portmouth without bothering to get changed and remove my make-up. Both times I stopped to see my hairdresser, the first time for a hair appointment and so she could see what I looked like with make-up in order to work out the best thing to do with my hair. The second time to say hello.

Tomorrow I've got my next burlesque lesson in Bristol. I'm going to be up at 5am, washed, shaved, hair styled (to the best of my ability) in a feminine style, make-up on, skirt and top then out of the house before 7am and the rest of the neighbours start moving around and going to work. My lesson is at 10am at the teachers home because I didn't want it to be at her friends house because of her husband and children being around. It wasn't possible to get another venue which is a mixed blessing as it would most likely have been in the city centre and meant me parking the car and then walking to the dance studio and back with lots of people about. A great test of how I deal with lots of other people but one that I might need some help with in order to do the first time. Especially as I don't have other people doing my hair and make-up for me.

At least the venue is away from the city centre so it will be a bit easier for me.

After the lesson I'm hoping that I'll be able to catch up with one of my friends in order that she can finally meet Jenny. That should be an interesting experience for us both.

It does look though that at least on the way up I'm going to be stopping off at the services on the motorway in order to stretch the journey out a little bit. On the way back it will be a bit easier as hopefully I can make a straight trip back. Only problem is that in order to get back into the house without running the guantlet of the neighbours I might just have to remove my make-up. I will be so glad when everything is out in the open and I don't have to do that.

Pictures and report when I get back.

I haven't posted anything for a little while because I've been busy at work. I've been doing work for one of the other teams on the project that I work on this year, as well as doing some work for my own team plus helping some of the coders, I develop computer software for a living, who have been having to learn to use all of our test tools. The last couple of weeks have been particularly hectic for me which has resulted in me missing out on 10 days striaight of running and also doing nearly 2 extra days work over the course of 5.

I know that there are people that work those kind of hours on a regular basis and also do far more demanding jobs but its been a long and hectic couple of weeks.

On top of which I had to do appraisals on three of my colleagues. Two were ok, neither argued with what they got. The third was really difficult as he wasn't expecting the result he got and it actually hurt me to have to go through that.

Anyway, been busy but managed to sit down today to post something.

This morning I went for a run, I had planned to do an hours run but cut it short a couple of miles from the end.

From about 20 minutes into the run my concentration was gone. All I could think about was my transitioning.

Round and round my head went the fact that my next appointment with Doctor Brooks is coming up in March. I want to ask her for a referral to the Gender Identity Clinic when I see her. I know that I'm going to end up having a long conversation explaining things to her.

Before I have my appointment though I need to talk things through with T, I'm actually going to start my wife by her first initial, and tell her that I can't wait as long as she wanted me to. Things are getting harder. Despite the fact that we agreed, when we talked last summer,  to see what could be done to let me get out more she's never raised it since.

In that time I've carried on getting my body waxed, growing my hair out and having it highlighted blonde, even the dance lessons she's aware of now. I went to Portsmouth in December and had planned an evening away the night before I was due to see Jo at Sugar and Spiced.

With all of this the only comments I've had were about my lengthening hair in front of family and friends, another comments about its colour and being asked why I was having dance lesson. She doesn't want to discuss it, as far as she's concerned everything is fine, nothing is happening for ages and so lets not deal with it.

I suppose it doesn't help that I'm not raising the issue with her, it also probably doesn't help that I put on a happy face for everyone all the time. I keep my feelings hidden and don't let people see how confused and hurt and desperate I am.

Last summer I got to such a low point before talking to T that I almost took and overdose. The other week I got pretty low again and found myself thinking of suicide. I know that if something doesn't change then I'm not going to make it four years, let alone 6. If I don't do something now and have to carry on putting on a happy face then I doubt that i'll be able to make it to the end of the year.

For that reason I'm going to tell T that we need to talk about this before my next appointment because its destroying me and I'm not going to be able to cope for much longer.

In addition to that as half term is coming up soon and the family are away at T's sisters I'm going to take drastic measures, since T wont, and contact her mum and arrange to meet up with her on the Monday when I drop everyone off at T's sisters.

My mother-in-law is almost like a second mum to me, she was also told about me when T and I first got together. She told T to do what makes her happy. Of course that's what T did but couldn't really cope with things and didn't tell me any of this until a while after we were married. If she'd told me before we were married then I wouldn't have put either of us through any of this.

Anyway, I'm going to take things out of T's hands and explain what is going on to her mum. I want to do it face to face and not over the phone because I might as well take the full force of whatever her reaction is.

T will probably go ballistic when she finds out what I've done but since she seems to be hiding her head in the sand then one of us has to do something. Besides the fact that she tried to get her brother-in-law to ask her sister about me before Christmas does lead me to think that she really wants to discuss it but wants someone else to start the conversation off.

It does look like this month is going to be an extremely interesting one.

Going the distance

Stace over at  Musings of an (I)Tgirl wrote an interesting post about her experience of running with a colleague. I was going to comment but being a bit wordy at times, ok most of the time, I thought I'd do a post instead. :-)

I have a male colleague that's fairly new to running. Last year he decided that he wanted to get fitter and that running was going to be how he did it. He set himself a challenge of running a half marathon.

He put a notice on our internal company website to see if anyone would partner him while he was training. At the same time knowing that I run he came to have a chat with me. Eventually I agreed with him that from the start of this year I would join him on weekday lunchtimes to go for a run.

All started well with just the two of us running the first day. Then one of our female colleagues decided that she would join in. At the same time I got told about a local half marathon that is going to take place for the first time this March. Both of us signed up immediately.

We talked about it on our runs but our female colleague wasn't interested as there was another half marathon closer to where she lives that she wants to do.

Last week we decided to go for a run and suddenly we were joined by a chap who is just getting back into running and so wanted to come and join us. Another chap has since shown an interest in joining in. The numbers keep growing, as do the numbers that are now signed up to do the half marathon. We now have four of us that I know of for definite.

My male colleague that I'm helping to train for this race has been working hard. Last weekend he decided to go for a run, a couple of laps around the village where he lives, should have been about 6 miles. It ended up being 12 miles in total as he decided he felt ok and so carried on.

On Monday he decided that he was going to join me for a lunchtime run. I tried to pursuade him not too, honestly I did, but he wouldn't have it. He felt fine he told me.

A mile into the run and it started to hurt, he was struggling to run but kept going for another half mile or so. Eventually I took pity on him when he said that I should carry on while he stopped and walked. We both slowed to a fast walk and kept going. A bit more running and walking and we reached a point where we could head back. I told him to head back and that I'd see him back at work after I'd gotten another couple of miles under my belt. I'm taking part in a competition at the moment between a group of runners from the USA and Canada and another group of runners from Europe, Australia and various other countries this side of the Atlantic. My mileage this month might not be brilliant but it all helps.

Today my colleague went out for another run, after two days of rest, on his return we were chatting and I was saying that I might just stick with our female colleagues as I find the pace she runs at quite comfortable and she's trying to finish the race in under two hours. I fancy having aiming for that time so we can pace each other and egg each other on to the finish.

My colleage said he might stick with us, at least at the start. Now if I was mischievous I could have encouraged him to do that. Unfortuanately, although my halo has slipped and as a friend and I have agreed I sometimes, like her, wear it on my ankle, I decided that I should try and pursuade him of the folly of trying that on his first half. He seems to have taken the idea on board. At least I hope he has. If he hasn't, well I'm sure that I can spin my halo around my ankle while dragging him at a fast pace for a couple of miles around the course.

One of these days I might just get my halo back where its supposed to be!

:-)

Plans for 2011

There are a number of things that I want to achieve during 2011:-

• To complete the inaugural Yeovil half marathon at the end of March
• To complete the Bala Middle Distance triathlon in June
• To complete the Outlaw Triathlon at the end of July
• Perform my burlesque routine in front of my friends and P's
• Perform a burlesque routine in front of a full audience
• Get an appointment at the Gender Identity Clinic and start the process of going full time
• Begin voice therapy
• Change my hair colour
• Get out and about to various places – restaurants, shops etc
• Improve my website and keep it up to date
• Keep making new friends, keep in touch with old ones and meet up with some of my online friends in the flesh.

Each of these is very much achievable so it will be interesting to see at the end of the year how I've done.

Review of 2010 - part 4

November

Finally sat down with the other vicar from our church and his wife and told them why I'd dropped out of helping with our Junior Church. I'd not been able to tell either of them earlier in the year.

Also saw the psychiatrist for the second time and explained about my agreement with my wife. She agreed to see me in March 2011 and to look into what treatments I could start before being referred to the GIC.

November also found me having my very first burlesque dance lesson. It was absolutely fabulous and the most fun that I've had in ages. I chatted with P, the teacher, about coming up with a routine that I could perform. We also agreed on my characters name and a few other details.

The end of November also saw me attend my first munch. Although I didn't stay the entire evening it was a start and I really enjoyed myself. I'm looking forward to going to more in 2011.

December

December was a very busy month.

It saw me explain to my son a little bit about my being transgender. Not the full blown “I'm going to have gender reassignment” speech but a “Daddy sometimes wears women's clothes and make-up”.

It also found me having my second burlesque dance lesson and starting to put together the routine that I'm going to perform. I'm so looking forward to that as it will be to 9 people hopefully, 4 friends of mine, P and 4 of her friends.

December also saw my second trip to Portsmouth to visit Jo ant Sugar and Spiced. It was a brilliant trip and the resulting photo shoot made me appreciate that its just possible that I might make a reasonable looking woman. At the end of the visit Jo and I went for another walk around some of the nearby streets. I travelled back from Portsmouth as Jenny, including having to walk a couple of hundred yards, pulling my bag, to my car. I drove back and paid a visit to Lou before finally making my way home with a short stop to change back to boy clothes and remove my make-up. This trip was the first time that I'd actually spent time fully dressed and made-up as Jenny but with just my natural hair and not a wig.

This month I had an appointment with the speech therapist. We ran through a series of tests. When I'm ready to go full time I can refer myself back to her for proper voice therapy lessons. In the meantime I have a humming exercise to do to get used to using my voice at the right frequency.

The year finally ended with me launching my own website which links back to this blog. I hope to develop the blog more during 2011. 

All in all the year was a very busy and momentous one. Throughout the course of it I did a lot of things that I would never have dreamed of. My confidence levels went up and up as Lou told me at one point. The change in me throughout the year was very obvious. Hopefully 2011 will be as good a year.

Review of 2010 - part 3

August

This was the best month of the year and also the most frightening.

August was the month that I went to Portsmouth to Sugar and Spiced and met Jo for the first time. It was also the first time I went out in public as Jenny for ages and the first time really that I have been out anywhere that I knew I would come into contact with other people outside of a safe environment. I achieved this by having an outdoor photo shoot with Jo in a cemetery and also driving back home via Lou's salon where I got my hair done. August was also the first time that anyone who knows me in my everyday life and who I'm likely to meet up with again has ever met Jenny in the flesh.

Towards the latter end of the month I finally sat down with my wife and explained my plans to change my gender. She was quite calm about things and we were able to come to an agreement on what we were going to do, I was going to discuss delaying things with the psychiatrist and work out what my possible treatment options were while everything was on hold. She was going to wait until I'd seen the psychiatrist and then talk to her mother.

August was also the month where I got so low that I came very close to committing suicide. I had enough painkillers to do the job but it was only because of being able to talk to a friend and hand over the tablets for her to get rid of that I didn't actually take my own life.

Oh, August was also the month that my sister told me how she really feels about my transitioning.

September

Really quite month. Spent a large part of it ill and so had to miss my second appointment with the psychiatrist.

I did manage to make it to an appointment with the person who I think is probably the biggest part of my support network and that's Lou. She's listened to my rantings and been so helpful all year that I don't know how I'd have managed.