Saturday, 5 February 2011

I haven't posted anything for a little while because I've been busy at work. I've been doing work for one of the other teams on the project that I work on this year, as well as doing some work for my own team plus helping some of the coders, I develop computer software for a living, who have been having to learn to use all of our test tools. The last couple of weeks have been particularly hectic for me which has resulted in me missing out on 10 days striaight of running and also doing nearly 2 extra days work over the course of 5.

I know that there are people that work those kind of hours on a regular basis and also do far more demanding jobs but its been a long and hectic couple of weeks.

On top of which I had to do appraisals on three of my colleagues. Two were ok, neither argued with what they got. The third was really difficult as he wasn't expecting the result he got and it actually hurt me to have to go through that.

Anyway, been busy but managed to sit down today to post something.

This morning I went for a run, I had planned to do an hours run but cut it short a couple of miles from the end.

From about 20 minutes into the run my concentration was gone. All I could think about was my transitioning.

Round and round my head went the fact that my next appointment with Doctor Brooks is coming up in March. I want to ask her for a referral to the Gender Identity Clinic when I see her. I know that I'm going to end up having a long conversation explaining things to her.

Before I have my appointment though I need to talk things through with T, I'm actually going to start my wife by her first initial, and tell her that I can't wait as long as she wanted me to. Things are getting harder. Despite the fact that we agreed, when we talked last summer,  to see what could be done to let me get out more she's never raised it since.

In that time I've carried on getting my body waxed, growing my hair out and having it highlighted blonde, even the dance lessons she's aware of now. I went to Portsmouth in December and had planned an evening away the night before I was due to see Jo at Sugar and Spiced.

With all of this the only comments I've had were about my lengthening hair in front of family and friends, another comments about its colour and being asked why I was having dance lesson. She doesn't want to discuss it, as far as she's concerned everything is fine, nothing is happening for ages and so lets not deal with it.

I suppose it doesn't help that I'm not raising the issue with her, it also probably doesn't help that I put on a happy face for everyone all the time. I keep my feelings hidden and don't let people see how confused and hurt and desperate I am.

Last summer I got to such a low point before talking to T that I almost took and overdose. The other week I got pretty low again and found myself thinking of suicide. I know that if something doesn't change then I'm not going to make it four years, let alone 6. If I don't do something now and have to carry on putting on a happy face then I doubt that i'll be able to make it to the end of the year.

For that reason I'm going to tell T that we need to talk about this before my next appointment because its destroying me and I'm not going to be able to cope for much longer.

In addition to that as half term is coming up soon and the family are away at T's sisters I'm going to take drastic measures, since T wont, and contact her mum and arrange to meet up with her on the Monday when I drop everyone off at T's sisters.

My mother-in-law is almost like a second mum to me, she was also told about me when T and I first got together. She told T to do what makes her happy. Of course that's what T did but couldn't really cope with things and didn't tell me any of this until a while after we were married. If she'd told me before we were married then I wouldn't have put either of us through any of this.

Anyway, I'm going to take things out of T's hands and explain what is going on to her mum. I want to do it face to face and not over the phone because I might as well take the full force of whatever her reaction is.

T will probably go ballistic when she finds out what I've done but since she seems to be hiding her head in the sand then one of us has to do something. Besides the fact that she tried to get her brother-in-law to ask her sister about me before Christmas does lead me to think that she really wants to discuss it but wants someone else to start the conversation off.

It does look like this month is going to be an extremely interesting one.

2 comments:

  1. sissygurl belinda,

    Hi. I hope that its nothing serious that has you off work ill at the moment.

    I've got this week and next week before they go away to her sisters in order to talk to her. Then she has the week to talk to her mum otherwise I'll have to prod her mum to talk to her.

    I'm going to need all the luck I can get so thank you.

    Jenny

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  2. It was a very bad attack of the flu and although I'm kind of back I can't talk for long as my voice goes(sigh)
    sissygurl belinda

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