Wednesday, 13 April 2011

D Day Part 2

Well I met up with my other half at lunchtime to discuss what is happening.

The pub that we'd arrange to meet at was packed solid with families making the most of the school holidays to eat out. We adjourned to another pub that was near where I work. Even that was packed but we managed to find a table where we could have a private conversation without anyone else overhearing.

I made sure that she'd read the letter and we started to discuss everything.

After talking through everything I now know where I stand.

I'm not allowed to tell my son about my seeking gender reassignment, at least not until the last possible moment so that I don't have time to explain it to him properly and certainly wont be able to give him the time he needs to adjust to the idea.
We're not going to tell my in-laws because it will cause an atmosphere and make people uneasy
We're not going to tell out bible study group until after out church weekend in Devon in mid June so that we don't cause any awkwardness.
I'm not allowed to be Jenny at home while my son is around. As the only times at the moment that he's not likely to be around are in August when he goes to Ireland and September/October time when he goes to France I'm pretty much restricted to finding places outside the home to go to.
I'm not allowed to go somewhere and then come back home and get changed, which means that I either have to change and remove my make-up where ever I go to or I have to resort to getting changed and removing make-up in lay-bys or car parks. Just the sort of place to get questioned by passing police or picked on my trans-phobic idiots.
We have to make the effort to do things as a family on weekends and over the summer and I need to spend more time with them in the evenings. Apparently its likely to be the last year that we'll be able to do that.
As far as my other half is concerned she wants to protect our son.

Sorry this is such a depressing post but all of this has got me really down. I've taken the time to spell out to my other half how I feel and what she needs to think about. I've arranged to meet up with her and talk things over. After doing all that where am I. In the same position that I've been since the day my son was born. My other half has been trapped and as long as I abide by what she wants then she gets to keep the status quo. Without doing something radical and upsetting everything then I'm stuck. If I do something radical like walking out then everything comes crashing down around her and then my life will be really hell because I'm pretty sure that she will do her best to get her own back somehow.

I'm at a loss as to what to do. All of this is just going to get worse before it gets better.

Next Monday I was supposed to be debuting the burlesque routine to some friends. I'd planned to get my hair done especially. Maybe get it lightened a bit more, some curls put into it and then have it set. Possibly even clip-in hair extensions to give it a bit of length. I'm giving serious thought to cancelling it as I'm struggling to find the energy or enthusiasm to go to the length of having hair extensions that I'm going to have to sit in the car somewhere on the way back and remove somehow.

Anyway, that's enough for now. Going to go and climb back into my little box before somebody realizes that I've gotten out of it.

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