Tuesday, 14 June 2011

Game Over - maybe

Last Saturday we sat down and told our son that I was transitioning. His reaction exceeded anything that we could have expected and brought my world crashing down. The following is what I wrote in my journal shortly after it. I thought about publishing this at a later point but today decided that I'd post it now, rather than later.

Be warned, this is not pleasant reading as it was my raw emotional state for the next 24 hours after we sat down with him. If you find you can't read it then skip ahead to the end.


Sleeping on the couch.
Its 5 hours since my world ended! 5 hours since I died!

We sat down and told R what was happening and he burst into tears, clung to me and sobbed his heart out. He wouldn't go to T at first, eventually he did. Eventually he calmed down and went to bed. I went up with him but he was still upset so I told him that I'd have to think about things.

T went upstairs to him, while she was there I put on some clothes and went out for a walk. I wasn't out for more that it takes to slowly walk three and a half miles but that was where my life ended.

If I can't transition because of him then my life has finished. It is only a matter of time before this body runs down and stops working. Only a matter of time before I stop fighting to get through each day and let the weariness, the disgust and loathing I feel for my body and the lack of support I will have take its toll.

R doesn't understand that it is only a matter of time before I can't deal with things and take my own life. T doesn't understand that either.

T thinks I can carry on going to my burlesque classes. How can I? How can I possibly go to classes where I see the other girls with female bodies that I don't possess. Even if I put everything on hold it would mean I would have to spend time each week in the company of women while knowing that I was so far from being one of them.

My body is physically going to break down. It wont take long. It will be very easy. All I have to do is increase the amount of exercise I do while reducing the number of calories I take in. The weight will drop off and eventually my body will start to fail.

If I can't transition then I will have to give up my support network, give up my new friends because I wont want to talk to them, wont want to see them doing what I can't. I'll be so alone.

Sam said dreams can come true. Huh, not mine. My dreams ended years ago.  I'm living in my own nightmares now, my own personal hell. Well at least we don't have to worry about telling cell group any more.

T doesn't have to worry about telling her family. Mine and everyone that knows and even understands slightly what I'm going through will realise what I'm going through.

They say a good number of transsexuals take their own lives, great I'm going to be just another statistic.

My life from now on is going to be pretty crap. I'm going to end up a mess. I'm going to end up dead. Rhys will never understand this, not until its too late. Maybe not even then.

I'll be stopping going to St James. I honestly don't see any point in carrying on going there. I don't see any point in going somewhere to worship a God that made me what I am so that I have to spend my days in pain and torment. What kind of a God does that? What kind of a God gives you things only to snatch them away?

Look at my life. He let me meet Marina, let her get pregnant and took our child away.

He let me meet T and fall in love with someone who accepted me only for her to reveal that she didn't once she'd got everything that she wanted, a way out of where she was living, a white wedding, husband, house and child.

He gave me a child and then nearly took him away. He still could. R doesn't realise that he is still at a significant risk of further cancers.

He gave me a chance to teach at junior church. I might not have been a good teacher but I had a chance.

He let me get involved in Street Pastors.

Then he let my gender disphoria get the better of me, get so bad that I couldn't cope anymore without doing something about it.

When I did do something about it the work I was doing with Junior Church and Street Pastors stopped.

All my life I've tried to stay faithful, tried to get on with things while dealing with who I am. I've tried to deal with how I was created until it go too much and I had to do something about it.

Now he's ripped that from me too.

I think he wants me dead.

I don't understand what I've done to deserve all this. I don't understand what I've done to be punished like this. I wish I did but it doesn't matter anymore.

We all knew that if I didn't do anything now then I wouldn't be around in 6 months time. That is now the case. R goes to B in August. When he comes back I wont be around anymore. I'm so sorry but I can't deal with it anymore.

God can punish me properly then. He can punish me for the hurt that I'll be causing friends and family, why not he might as well heap all the pain and torment he can on me, he's doing that anyway.

T could have tried to be supportive when we were talking to R but she couldn't. Did she try to be when I was out, who cares, I have no real way of knowing other than what she says. She wont have tried to explain to R that is for certain.

I'm so angry right now. I want to tell R exactly what this all means, what the likely outcome is going to be but that would be mean and cruel and something I would never do.

I've been there all his life for him. The one time that I need him to be there for me and he isn't. I understand though. He's 13, he's not mature enough.

Time is running out now. 3 months and I will be dead. 3 months and T and R will have to fend for themselves. When I put together my transition plan I didn't realise that it would turn into a plan for how Tracey would have to deal with things after my death! Well I have a new date to work towards. Unless something major happens I wont be seeing September, I wont be seeing R and the twins grow up. I wont see anything happen.

I'll either move on to a new level of pain or find peace. One way or the other I wont be alive to tell anyone.


The morning after I wrote that I got up at 6am, watched a bit of television and had a couple of mugs of coffee but nothing to eat. When T and R got up I put on my running gear and went out for an hour and a half run covering just over 8 and a half miles. When I came home I had a glass of energy drink and another mug of coffee. I had another mug of coffee later on but no food, then I took R to the gym for an hour. When I got home I had a pasta dish with home made tomato, onion and mushroom sauce. The only food I had all day.

That morning while I was out running I spent time speaking with God and informing him of my plans. He's known what I'm like all my life. He's also known that when he pisses me off then I make up my mind to do something and am perfectly willing to carry out what I've decided. I told God that he was going to have to watch me slowly killing myself and that I'd be making sure that I spoke with him every step of the way.

Since those events I've calmed down and spoken with friends who know what is happening. I've got over the immediate aftermath. I've distanced myself emotionally from R a bit but even that's changing as we had a pillow fight during the adverts for one of the programmes we like watching together last night.

I'm going to have to give R a chance to adjust to things. I can't not go ahead with transitioning because in all honesty things will probably get worse if I don't like I wrote in my journal. We're going to explain things to a number of friends later this week, I told one friend on Sunday evening so that R could talk to her as he goes to a group she runs. I've also arranged for another friend who R trusts to come around to talk to him after school today because he was asking if anyone at his school knew. With a bit of patience hopefully he'll understand that this is something that I have to do and although physically I'll change, I wont change in any other way. The interesting thing about his reaction is that the reason he burst into tears was when we got to the part in the GIRES information that we were reading to him that talked about how he would have to refer to me as a her or she. I managed to get him to tell me that much about why he reacted like that.

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