Today, I had a counselling session. We talked about a lot but as usual I deflected a lot. Even after so many weeks of counselling I have to admit that opening myself and becoming vulnerable is seriously scary. Thinking about why I find it scary isn't easier either but I did eventually give it some thought.
Why do I not want to be open with people, especially my counsellor? Why do I deflect things?
When I was young the thought of living for 70 or more years, scared me. I couldn't imagin living that long on my own. I didn't want to live that long.
Then Rhys came along and life didn't seem so scary, life seemed worthwhile, life had a real purpose and wasn't just going to work and doing meaningless stuff outsid work.
I finally had a reason to live.
So why do I deflect?
I think I deflect because I've never really found my purpose in life and facing up to that is something I don't want to do.
I think I deflect because I'm afraid that if I answered honestly I don't know what I would say, I don't know what emotions I'd open myself up to. I don't want to risk opening myself up to emotions that I won't be able to control or deal with.
I also think that if I didn't deflect I would find myself learning too much about who I am and I might not like who that person is. I might find that person is cold and emotionless.
I've worn a mask for so long now that I don't want to take it off for fear of who I might see.