There are days...

… when I just wish I could die. Where I could just lie down and be no more. Let this world move on and leave me in the past.

Today is one of them.

I was supposed to be taking part in a sprint triathlon at Blenheim Palace this afternoon.

Last night I got all my gear ready, packed away in my transition bag. Although I should have got an early night I didn't, I stayed up later than I should.

This morning I was awake by 5am, but we stayed in bed until almost 7, enjoying having our bed back after a week where my sister and my nieces have stayed with us and the twins have slept in our bed.

Getting up I was feeling fine. No nerves, no trepidations. I was looking forward to the day.

Going downstairs I put the kettle on to boil, and put tea and coffee in Tracey's and my mugs.

Feeling a bit queasy I returned upstairs to the toilet and ended up kneeling while retching. No racing for me today.

Yesterday I'd been feeling physically uncomfortable all day but for other reasons. When I got home, and had eaten, I took some medication which sorted out the problem.

Thinking about it today, I've been behaving abnormally for me. Certain bodily functions have been out of whack recently. I've also been eating a lot more junk foods like chocolate, ice cream and crisps last thing in the evening for a couple of weeks. Similarly at work I've been eating a lot more sugary snacks than usual; biscuits, cakes (breakfast has been a couple of iced Chelsea buns on two or three occasions).

Not racing, again, today has left me feeling down. I'm sure that Paul and Darren my coaches are going to be disappointed that I've not raced again, after all their hard work getting me to where I am. I feel like I've let them down.

I feel like I've left myself down to.

I don't want to let people down like this any more. I don't want to let myself down like this any  more.

Rhys shouldn't have died when he did, he had so much life ahead of him, so much potential. If any one should have died it should have been me. I'm 52 years old, I've had a decent life, I've done plenty of things.

Today, I feel the loss of Rhys more than ever. Today, I feel like letting the world, the universe, leave me behind and let me lay down to rest forever.