After FiP

Almost two years ago I started an Open Foundation in Photography (FiP) course with the Open College of the Arts. I've been interested in photography for a while and after doing two evening classes at my local college decided I wanted to delve into the topic in more detail.

The learning log from my course is online and can be found at https://miradglass.wordpress.com/

My first assignment for the course coincided with Rhys going into the St Margaret's Hospice and as a result I took a lot of photographs during those final days.

The course open my eyes to photography as a subject, as an art form and I found myself developing new skills and an appreciation for the world around me. Last year, when everything started to fall apart I decided to take a break from the course. I carried on taking photographs, including some that I've ended up using in my fourth assignment when I submit it.

Throughout the course my aim has to been to prove that I have the ability to go on and do the degree course. I want to, it will be hard work I know, it will be expensive, but it's something I want to do simply because I want to. Not because I have to, not because it fits with my job and career. I'm a software engineer and photography doesn't really come into it much.

The last few days have made me re-evaluate that though.

It's not the cost, although £1400 is a stretch, I could manage it.

It's not the amount of work invovled. It's 8 hours a week over 12 months per course. Less than 2 hours a day.

It's more that I'm going through a period where I find myself thinking "what's the point?" more and more. I'm losing motivation. The anti-depressants are keeping my mood from swinging from one extreme to the other and I know that I'm not ready to come off them, not by a long chalk. If I did come off them then I would spiral out of control and this time I'm not sure that I'd have the energy or strength to pull myself back from the brink.

I'm not even sure that my photographs are that good and that the work I'd produce would be sufficiently good enough to get me a degree.

So I'm going to put the idea of completing a photography degree to one side for a while and pick it up again at some point in the future. When I don't know. In the meantime I'll carry on taking photographs like I have been. I'l look at different photographers, go to exhibitions, and try to get better with the skills I have picked up.

But first I've got my current assignmetn to submit and then the last part of the course to complete, including the assignment for that.

Some thoughts on "How Netflix’s “Russian Doll” Helps Us Process Death" by Emily Swan

Emily Swan's article is on Medium: How Netflix's "Russian Doll" Helps Us Process Death

Great show, binge watched it just after it came out because I got hooked on it very quickly. Lots to think about, especially watching as Nadia deals with stuff that had gone on in her life, including trying to put right some things. 

I’m glad that, unlike in Groundhog Day, they didn’t go down the route of Nadia spending each iteration leading up to her death, fixing things she’d done wrong. That begs the question, if we could fix something once, is that enough in order to find forgiveness or should we be seeking that forgiveness over and over. 

I found the common wonderings you listed interesting. My Mum passed away several years ago and I wonder if during her last months she wondered those things. Dad passed away suddenly and wouldn’t have had a chance to think about those questions but he must have dwelled on some things because we feel that he knew something wasn’t right, had made his peace with life and was ready to go when the time came.

My son also passed away 18 months ago and during his last 6 months we focussed on doing things that he wanted to do and making memories for those of us left behind. He knew he was dying but we never really talked about how he felt about it. The only things I know about what was going through his head during those months were that he was worried about what would happen to his Mum and I after he was gone, and a few days before he died he said to me one evening in the hospice “I could die”. I never asked him what he meant so I don’t know whether he meant he’d had enough and was ready to move on, or whether for some reason he’d realised that he was dying and there was really was nothing that was going to change that.

Since he died I’ve spent time thinking about the things you listed but from my point of view and not his.

Why did he die? He’d spent 17 years being treated for Acute Lymphoblastic Leukaemia, and then after a bone marrow transplant sorted that out, multiple operations to remove tumours in various parts of his body. Why did he go through all of the treatment and operations in order to still die in the end?

Did I do something so that he deserved this? I have to wonder, if I’d done some of the things I have in my life differently, if I’d gone down the path God set before me when I was born and hadn’t eventually gone down the route I did go down, would Rhys still be alive. Seeing him pull through some many things over the years while I was still on the path I’d been on from birth, but then after I’d changed path, go through operation after operation until there was no chance of successful treatment. In my darker moments I blame myself for his death and see it as God punishing me for the decisions I’ve made.

And of course Is there a meaning or purpose to everything he went through? That I have some of an answer to. There were people at his funeral who knew each other but didn’t realise they had a connection through Rhys to each other. His ten pin bowling club created a new badge for them to wear that has RPLO on it, Rhys Powell Lives On. Someone decided to apply for a new position at work because after thinking about what he was going through decided that they could go for what they wanted to do, and got that job. And finally, someone else decided that they were going to get over something they were dealing with, for him.

I know that he had an impact on so many lives but I find myself wondering God’s purpose was putting him through all the illness and then having him die at 19 years of age. If he’d survived, he wanted to go into childcare, maybe even as a play specialist in a hospital. With his experience and understanding of what children go through when ill like that he could have helped so many other people, but it wasn’t to be. 

And what of my purpose now? From the moment he was first diagnosed my entire purpose in life has been to be the rock that he and his Mum can rely on no matter what was thrown at him. I’ve been the one to make sure that they had the strength they needed to get the through the really tough times. Now that he’s passed away, that purpose isn’t there any more. So what is my purpose? If that was my purpose in life, to get him through everything, then why am I still here? Why hasn’t God decided that I’ve served my purpose and called me home to him? If I’ve still got a purpose in life, and I’m not still around as punishment, then what is it and when will He reveal it?

Cyprus 2019 - day 12

20^th March 2019

Final day in Cyprus. I didn’t sleep very well, tossing and turning throughout the night. I’ve not slept brilliantly the whole time I’ve been here. That’s just highlighted how much I normally sleep. Three to five hours then tossing and turning. When I get back home, I’m going to wear my Garmin to bed for a week and look at my sleep pattern using that.

It’s another sunny morning, blue skies, birds singing. Most of my things are packed ready to leave. I’ve just got a few last-minute things to put in my bag and rucksack and then I’m ready to go.

Breakfast first though as that is probably going to e what fuels me for the entire day, other than some drinks.

I’m going to write this entry as I go along, it will give me something to do.

------------

The drive to the airport was almost as pleasant as the drive to Ayia Napa, just a bit more traffic to contend with but the sun was shining, and the scenery was fabulous.

Going through security was again a bit of a delay but that was because even leaving my camera lenses in my bag, while taking my laptop and camera out, merits a rescan of everything. Something to remember for when I go to Finland.

Now it’s just a case of sitting and waiting for my flight to be called, which shouldn’t be long.

 ------------

The flight back was uneventful. I managed to read 3 of the 5 stories in my book.

For about the last hour of the flight, whenever I looked out the window of the aeroplane all I could see was white clouds. It looked like a snow-covered landscape. If I’d not known that we were at 34,000 feet I could have imagined that we were flying low over the Antarctic landscape.

I also found myself imaging a giant sky whale surfacing from within the clouds before diving back into them once more. A great idea for a short story perhaps.

The drive home from the airport was uneventful. I was glad to see Tracey and be back home again.

Before I went to bed, I finished watching The Umbrella Academy. Definitely a series I want to watch when they bring out season 2.

I also had my first taste of Metaxa. Boy, is that easy to drink, and to drink too much of.

Cyprus 2019 - day 11

19^th March 2019

Last full day in Cyprus. Tomorrow I fly back to the UK.

I’ve not done a lot today. Went for a spa treatment this morning, slimming massage. It was nice.

The rest of the day has been chilling and watching The Umbrella Academy which I’d downloaded from Netflix.

Well not all of it. I went finished packing the last bits I could and went out for a short walk this afternoon. Bought a few last-minute presents, had a few beers, dinner and now I’m getting ready to go to bed and get a good night’s sleep. Tomorrow will be a long day.

A two-hour drive to Paphos airport, filling up the hire car with petrol before I drop it off.

Lugging a large bag and a bike box from the car hire place to baggage drop off. Sitting around departures waiting for my flight. A five-hour flight back to the UK. Pick up luggage. Catch a bus to the car park. Hour or so drive home and then bed for a few hours, knowing that I’ll have to get up 2 hours earlier than I’ve had to the last few days in order to get Tracey off to work, and on Thursday and Friday for me to get to the pool and gym so that I can get back into my training.

I still find myself having regrets about not doing better in Sunday’s race. When I’ve seen the sea looking almost completely calm and know that if those had been the conditions I’d have got around the swim and then most likely gone on to complete the bike and run, I feel disappointed but I have to keep telling myself, if I’d had an easy swim then I wouldn’t have any idea that I need to work harder to become a stronger swimmer so that I can overcome conditions like that in the future.

Cyprus 2019 - day 10

18^th March 2019

Today has been the first day after the triathlon and I didn’t have to do any training. It was great not having to get up before 7 in order to be at the pool for 8, or at transition before 7 to set up my kit.

Breakfast was a leisurely affair which was followed by booking myself a sports massage and a slimming treatment in the spa.

After that I wandered into Ayia Napa to the monastery.

It wasn’t as big as I thought it might be, but it was a lovely place to visit. The church that forms its centre, is partly built from a cave. Inside there are several icons depicting the Virgin Mary.

For the second time this trip I lit a candle for Rhys, but this time included Mum and Dad. I also left a prayer for health request for Tracey, Annette, Jess and Charlotte.

After wandering around the rest of the monastery and the area outside, I went back into the church and prayed to the Virgin Mary. Something I’ve not done for a long time because I was never taught to pray to her so it’s something I do infrequently.

The walk to and from the monastery was simple, even though I took a more roundabout route getting there, I took a more direct one coming back. Ayia Napa is an interesting town, full of places that wouldn’t be out of place in any town in the UK, but with a few places that you wouldn’t find on your British High Street; like a strip club.

As a lone trans woman I felt surprisingly safe walking around. Is this just me? Have I developed an attitude where I don’t care about my safety if it means I get to explore new places? I don’t know.

The sports massage was great, even if I had to be told several times to relax, not tense up, and let the therapist move limbs around. It’s going to hurt tomorrow but I’m not going worry about it because I know that I needed it.

As much as I’ve loved being around people for the last week and a bit, it’s nice to have a couple of days to myself. Accountable to just myself, and able to go and explore where I want, when I want.

Tomorrow will be a road trip after my spa treatment.

Cyprus 2019 - day 9

17^th March 2019

I knew my head wasn’t in the right place when it came to this race. From the moment I realised the cut-off times, mentally I wasn’t in the right mindset.

I thought doing this race would be a good thing, and in a way it has been. It’s made me realise that sea swims aren’t for me. Pool or lake swims I’m much better with. It’s also taught me that I need to look at the details of races more before I enter them.

Right now I feel like a complete failure. I failed Rhys by not protecting him , by not doing everything I should have done in order to keep him alive. I was never the father that he deserved.

I promised him I would do things and I’ve consistently failed to meet those promises.

I’m probably never going to fulfil those promises, so I might as well just give up and die.

But that’s not going to happen because I’ll always reach the point where I don’t have the courage to end my own life, and God will never do me the favour of taking my life.

Going on and on without Rhys is my punishment, and God is going to go easy on me and let me have eternal rest because that would be too easy for me.

Watching from the balcony of my hotel room I can see everyone who has finished their race walking around with their finisher’s medals, something I’m not going to have.

Laura, one of the elite squad, has been really encouraging and has said I’m a lot stronger than last year. My swimming, cycling and running during the training camp were definitely better than last year. Apart from a couple of sessions I achieved everything that I was asked to do. I can continue training and I’ll get better at each of them but that’s not going to help when it comes to races.

Sitting here staring out at the blue sea and sky, watching everyone who has achieved what I couldn’t today makes me realise how talentless I am.

Rhys never ever gave up. He kept trying, he kept fighting for life. He was so much stronger than I am, and it’s unfair that I’m here and he’s not.

Rhys is the one that should be sitting here enjoying this view. Rhys is the one who should be exploring the world. Not me. My time has come and gone.

I just wish that God would answer my prayers and end my life here on Earth.

I really need to start considering the things I’m doing and start thinking about giving them up.

Gender Identity lead for the LGBT network at work. There are people that would do a better job of it than me. I need to finish up the work I’ve been doing on the awareness course and then once that’s been dealt with, stand down as lead and let someone better do the role.

Diversity and inclusion champion for the site. Again there are people who are better qualified to do the role, people with more drive and skill. Once I’ve stood down from the LGBT network I need to stand down from that too.

Burlesque. I think I should do the same thing with that. I’m never going to be good enough as  a performer. Why pretend?

And photography. I’m never going to make it as a photographer. I’m not sure if I even have what it takes to do the degree course. I do OK stuff for the foundation course but nothing really special. I’m going to finish the degree course and then probably go back to being an everyday type of photographer.

Just fade into the background and lead a quiet, dull, uneventful life until the day I finally stop breathing and my heart stops beating.

Cyprus 2019 - day 8

16^th March 2019

Picked up the hire car, had breakfast, packed the car and headed for Ayia Napa and Nissi Beach Resort. Race day tomorrow.

Knowing that I’ve not completed a triathlon inside of the race cut off time has made me nervous.

I’ve got to focus on just completing each of the elements and if I don’t, then it becomes a learning experience and something to take away and look at going forward.

I’m not racing for a place. I’m not racing for a podium. Tomorrow’s race is just a stepping stone on fulfilling the promise I made to Rhys that I would complete all the Outlaw races, and that is my target for next year. Not the races I’m doing this year. They are just a way for me to get experience of doing middle distance races and then going long.

Who knows what I’ll do after next year? Will I carry on with triathlons or will I stop? Will I go for shorter distances? Will I pick races in places I want to visit? Who knows?

The drive to Ayia Napa was quite pleasant, apart from a bit of rain. The motorways are dual carriageways in reality but the traffic on them is a lot less that you would get on a UK motorway, which was a refreshing change.

After tomorrow’s race I can chill and enjoy myself without any pressure. Something I’m looking forward to, and will undoubtedly be discussing with Steph when I get back to the UK.