Sleep

Some time back I started to do the writing prompts at Laura's Writer's Journey Roadmap. This year I've not been very good at keeping up with the weekly prompts. I plan to change that in the New Year.

Although I've missed submitting them to the Laura's site I've made a record of all of the prompts so that I can work through those that I've missed. For the ones that I have missed I'm going to post them here, if anyone would like to comment then please feel free.

Last week's prompt was entitled prompt and this is what I wrote.

Sleep

“All I know is that while I’m asleep, I’m never afraid, and I have no hopes, no struggles, no glories — and bless the man who invented sleep, a cloak over all human thought, food that drives away hunger, water that banishes thirst, fire that heats up cold, chill that moderates passion, and, finally, universal currency with which all things can be bought, weight and balance that brings the shepherd and the king, the fool and the wise, to the same level.”

–from Don Quixote by Miguel de Cervates, published on 1605

 Tell me about your relationship with sleep. 

Sleep. Eight hours of lovely uninterrupted slumber.

Yeah! Really!

The last time I had that much sleep I was probably a baby.

I can’t remember when sleep and I fell out of love with each other. I have a feeling that it may have been when I was a teenager.

Way back then, as my memory reminds me, I had a period of insomnia that lasted three days. Every night I would go to bed and find myself denied entry to the realms of slumber. For three nights I would lie awake until everyone else was asleep and then turn on my bedroom light and read.

And read.

And read.

Yawn.

Until dawn had passed and I heard my parents stirring.

While they got their day started I would lie in bed for a while and then get up.

Three days before I got any sleep.

In the years since then I’ve managed to get a couple of hours’ solid sleep every night and then the rest of it is spent drifting in and out of sleep tossing and turning trying to get back to sleep or getting up to have a drink and do something to pass the time before I feel ready to go and try to get back to sleep.

Don’t get me wrong though, as much as it would be nice to have a full night’s sleep, my relationship with sleep has its upside. When I wake up in the middle of the night there’s a good chance that I will remember my dreams. Good ones or bad ones I get to remember them, and there have been some wonderful dreams.

Like the time I sacrificed myself by blowing up a planet in order to allow its inhabitants to escape an alien horde that wanted to destroy them, or the time I saved people from lava flowing across the landscape.

Even the nightmares aren’t too bad because over the years I’ve learned how to take control of a nightmare or if I’ve woken up how to drop back into that same nightmare but this time with me being in control and directing what happens. In my nightmares the monsters quickly learn to run away.

So a full night’s sleep may not be something that I’ve been blessed with but for what I miss out on there I make up for in other ways.

Rant

Apologies for this, just have to get it off my chest.

As anyone that has read this blog for a while will know we've had a lot to deal with over the years with my son's Leukaemia, bone marrow transplant and tumour surgeries.

In all that time I've done everything I can to make sure that my family have a roof over their heads and all the support they need. Some of that has meant that I have had to be at home in order that I can work while they are staying in Bristol for treatment, and while that is happening travel to and from Bristol (a 80 plus mile round trip, at least twice a week, with weekend trip being done either because they can come home for a couple of days or to allow my partner to go off to her Mum's for a few days break.

Even during the recent surgeries I did my best to make sure that she could get a few days at home, which allowed her a bit of normality by going to work. I even made my way in the rain to meet her so that she could come back up and not have to drive through fairly empty city streets first thing on a Sunday morning.

So after all that what does she go and do. Post something on Facebook which is the result of missing her Dad, my Mum and also her Aunt.

Now I wouldn't mind but when she turns around and says that her Aunt was her rock then after everything I've done; not just while our son was ill but before he was even born; if it wasn't for us getting together then there is a distinct chance that she would either be living in her Mum's spare room, in a bedsit somewhere or, like she was when we met, in a friends spare bedroom; then I feel like I've been kicked in the teeth.

In the discussion we've just had about it she said she didn't mention me because she didn't know how to refer to me. For goodness sakes, the majority of our friends know I'm trans and that I've transitioned. Some of them don't care about that. Some of them, I personally think, have been arses about it.

I suppose some of this is me expecting too much. After four years I sort of expected that she would have come to some sort of terms with how our relationship is but it appears not.

Grrrr!!! Life is so frustrating at times.

Rant over. Thank you for reading.

A Hard Day

Today has been a hard one. Suprisingly hard in fact and all from the silliest of things, an email.

Of course it wasn't an ordinary email. This was an important one as it was a response to me applying for a newbie slot at a burlesque show. Although the original email turned me down, subsequent ones did say that I was welcome to try again and that the promoter looked forward to seeing me perform, but when I was ready to perform a solo on stage, but at the moment based on the video I sent I'm not at that point. If I work on it then I should be able to send another video in a few months time.

None of that was really comforting though. I found myself fighting back tears as I got ready for work, the smile I put on for my family, and throughout the day as I worked at my desk and talked to colleagues, was one that I am very familiar with. Its the one that I used to wear day in day out before I transitioned, part of the mask I used to wear to hide the real me away while letting others see what they expected to see. The mask that I thought I had finally put away for good.

Its funny really how such a trivial thing can have such a big impact on a person. That email made me start thinking about a lot of stuff.

I've loved doing burlesque as anyone whose read this blog, and the stuff I've been posting at Mira's, and watching my performance videos will know. Although doing the show with the troupe the other weekend was great fun, and performing at a birthday party the weekend before last, with a couple of the girls, was just as much fun, watching back my performance from the show, seeing how I looked; and hating the fact that there was a masculine face, his face, which even the make-up couldn't hide, atop my body.

Being so picky over my performance that I found fault with everything I did. My timing was out at some many points that even though I knew the routine by heart I still found myself out of step with the rest of the troupe. I had a couple of nice comments from people, one even asked if I planned to go solo because its so much easier not beign part of a troupe when you perform. The cynic in me sits here wondering if she so all of my mistakes and this was her way of telling me I'd be better off performing solo.

All day I've been wondering whether I should pack up all my burlesque things and drop them off at the studio so that the other girls can make better use of them. I still haven't made my mind up, although I've not admitted that to our troupe's leader and choreographer.

I thought that after everything I've done in the last year that I'd have been ready to perform on stage, especially after doing a couple of group performances now. I was so wrong and honestly don't know where I am with burlesque. It would be so easy to just give up, to accept that this is a dream that was never going to become real.

As the day went on everything else began to unravel. So many things seem pointless. The temptation has been to just withdraw from things, to delete or deactivate my accounts on various websites; Reddit, Facebook, UK Angels, Pink Essence, all the places that I frequent. To quietly disappear from the online world.

Where would that leave me though? Well I'd still have my running and triathlons. I accepted that I was ever going to be any good at those. As long as I can get across the finish line then that's good enough for me. I might long to find myself standing at the water's edge in Kona, waiting to take part in the World Championships but that is never going to happen.

I know what I'm feeling is likely to be part of the emotional rollercoaster that we go through post-op, that doesn't make it any easier to deal with.

Today has been a long hard one.

It hasn't helped that in 11 days time its the first anniversary of Mum's death. This evening I found myself wishing that she was still alive; that she was still around to look after Dad and make sure that he was alright. I found myself wishing that, instead of Mum getting ill and dying last year, it had been me that has died.

So from a simple email turning me down for a place in a show I came to the conclusion that I'm not special, I'm not talented, I'm not here for any purpose of significance; and if the universe has any sense of what people really need then 12 months ago I would have been dying because of terminal cancer and Mum would have been the one who was going to be around to look after people and do more worthwhile things than I ever will.

So with misty eyes, I'll say goodnight and thanks for reading my meanderings.

Mira update - Hoots n Hooters

Last weekend I did my first burlesque performance outside of a student showcase. I've posted over at Mira's blog about it.

This evening I'm performing with Burleskin again at a birthday party, 3 routines this time because I'm not confident about the fourth one.

Back in the Saddle

There's a new post over at my triathlon blog. Its been over two months since I ran last and it felt like it.

Going to the Palace

I've a new post over at my triathlon blog. I seem to have this overwhelming desire to do some racing next year for some reason.

New burlesque post amongst other things

I've added a new post over at Mira's blog. It includes a video of me performing my True Love routine but with a slightly more adult approach to it. Hence I've changed the blog to have an adult content rating.

In other news I've been signed off work for one more month and will be returning to work on the 1st October, a Thursday so a short week for me :-) Its entirely possible that Occupational Health will make me do a staged return to work after 5 months sick leave. Its going to be a bit frustrating but if that's the case I'll have to put up with it.

We are heading back up to Bristol in 11 days so that Rhys can have the surgery to remove his meningioma. The 17th will be a long day for everyone but him. 10 hours of surgery and he gets to sleep through it. Tracey and I will have to find lots to keep us occupied. I think a lot of wandering around shopping centres and malls plus maybe a movie will be called for.

Recently I also commented on an article about transgender athletes, in particular triathletes. As a result there is the possibility that I'll be chatting with the author of the article at some point in the future and our discussion may form part of an article that she will be writing in the future.

On Sunday, for the first time in over a year I went to church. It was the first Sunday in the month and so the service was held at a local community centre. It was nice catching up with people and I plan on going more regularly when we return from our trip to Bristol.

Saturday evening I went out with the girls to a local burlesque show. We had a real hoot. As we'd gone for the VIP option our table was right next to the stage, which was great as the hosts as well as the show's promoter knew that we were also burlesque performers. The performers were fabulous and all of their acts superb fun. I even ended up holding the mic for one of the hosts while she was putting on some gloves to take part in an impromptu burlesque lesson. This drew attention to me, especially as the longer she took to put on the gloves the lower her head got as every time she lowered her head I tried to move the mic lower as well. Eventually this prompted a comment from her. Something along the lines of "I'm going to end up on the floor if you keep lowering that thing". :-)

Our little group stood out slightly from everyone else as we'd gone for a theme of pencil skirt, white blouse, underbust corset and flower in the hair. I opted to attach my flower, which ended up being a flower shaped bow for attaching to presents, to a pair of goggles for a Steampunk effect.

By the end of the evening my feet were killing me because being laced into a corset meant I couldn't reach my feet to take off my stilettos. Something to note for next time :-)

The post show disco was a lot of fun, especially when they started playing the Timewarp from the Rocky Horror Picture Show. I'm a sucker for that song and quickly found myself up on the stage with two other people, a guy and one of the other girls from out group. A few people noticed us and some really "nice" member of our group decided that they would take pictures. Hmm!!

Saturday was fun and highlighted just out much I've changed as a person in the last 4 years. Prior to transition I would never have dreamed of getting up on a stage like that and dancing in front of people, even if most of them had their backs to us. I'd have most likely been sat down trying to avoid dancing. Now I don't mind getting up on the dance floor, providing the music is right. It much more fun doing things like that because its easier for women to get up on the dance floor and dance together. Guys tend to have to get up and be dancing with a girl, or a group of girls, and sometimes that's not easy to do.