Yesterday I finally spoke on the phone with Liz at the Nuffield, she is the person that ensures that your stay there for your surgery goes as smoothly as possible. I'd been trying to find out for definite what electrolysis I need prior to surgery because my electrologist doesn't want to do too little or too much than needed.
That's all cleared up now.
I then spoke with Debbie who is Mr Thomas' secretary and she said they were dealing with May's surgery dates now.
So its official, I go into hospital on the 11th May.
My GRS and chest reconstruction surgery will be on the 12th.
I'll be discharged on the 19th May and will then have about 3 months of recovery.
So how do I feel.
Its a bit scary because it is major, life-changing surgery. Its also incredibly exciting.
I've known that I would be having the surgery for a long time, it was clarified after spending some time with one particular person.
The same person asked me very recently if I thought I'd come this far this quick. I actually think that this is quite slow. A lot slower than I would have hoped to do if events hadn't slowed things down.
My son leaving school, father-in-law being ill and then the delays with surgery due to funding problems, all of these pushed my plans to wanting surgery last October and now into this year. Finally though I'm nearly at the end of this stage of my journey.
But I'm glad that its taken this long. I'm glad that I didn't have the surgery last year. I'm glad that its going to be in May. Partly because we have to go to watch the World Snooker championships in Sheffield with my son in April and so I needed to drive for that. More importantly because I've finally started back at burlesque classes. Yes, I'm doing the thing I love once more.
Last Monday I attended my first class at a place in Yeovil. It was amazing, we worked on a routine and I was surprised how quickly I caught on with the steps and moves. I've not danced like that for a long time. It felt like coming home.
What really made it so enjoyable was to be accepted as one of the girls, the conversation certainly didn't lead me to believe that anyone didn't think of me as anything but just one of the girls.
More importantly for me though was something that happened which saw me change a mental gear.
The studio has lots of mirrors and some windows. As we were rehearsing the steps I caught sight of myself in my jeans and sweater, and something clicked and I realised that I have a decent figure. Not as curvy as some women's but a figure that I think some women would be jealous of. I might be wrong but hey, its my mental gears and self-image that matter.
I even found myself thinking that with the right hairstyle and the right make-up I might even make a decent looking woman, maybe not attractive but certainly reasonable enough to turn a couple of heads.
Sorry if that sounds a bit conceited but there are very few days that everything that I see in the mirror comes together like that, so I'm going to take them when they come.
So, I have a couple of months of burlesque classes ahead of me, then my surgery and recuperation then its back to burlesque and the rest of my life.
Thursday, 12 February 2015
Tuesday, 10 February 2015
Sexuality
"You've moved from the outside to the inside then?" he asked
"No, this is just the bits that I couldn't bring over last weekend" I replied.
"Its cold today, we start at 7:30 and it was freezing this morning" he continued.
"I know, its not as cold as it was yesterday morning, my car was starting to freeze up before I'd even got out of the street" I replied.
"Where do you work?" he asked.
"OMG," I thought "he's going to talk to me again. Does he realise just how good looking he is? I like that ring he's wearing, oh look no wedding ring so he's not married."
As I sat waiting to go into the recycling centre I found myself in conversation with one of the guys that work there. A really handsome guy.
A few weeks ago I spent two weekends going to and from the centre taking broken fence panels, all of the plants and bushes that we had to dig up in order to allow the fence panels to be replaced, some bikes, a wheel barrow and various other bits and pieces.
Of course loading and unloading the car has been dirty, sweaty work and so I've not bothered putting on any make-up, had my hair pulled back and even worn a baseball cap or Buff.
Both weekends I've been approached by the same guy and we've had short chats. Both weekends I've found myself thinking that perhaps I should have made a little bit of effort with my appearance and put on a bit of make-up. Maybe I'd have been able to flirt with him a bit, maybe not, I am married after all.
Some time ago a friend and I were sat having a coffee when she asked me about my sexuality. As we talked she turned to me and said "Do you know I think your bisexual."
Thinking about it I realised that she was right, its just that in my efforts to be seen as a male I'd suppressed that side of me. Now finally being myself I could actually allow myself a bit more freedom with who I found attractive.
Another conversation that I had which raised the subject of who I might find myself attracted to was a bit more black and white in how it was seen. Pre-transition I was a heterosexual male, post-transition and surgery I would either be attracted to females meaning that I was a lesbian or to males which would make me a heterosexual female. I nodded along to the conversation and simply said I didn't know who I would be attracted to. If I had that same conversation now then my response would be both men and women, something certain to stir things up a bit as the person asking the question was wife of the vicar at the church we went to.
I know that there are people whose sexual orientation stays the same throughout transition and beyond, I also know that there are people whose orientation switches. I think in my case its just coming round to what it's always been. I'll be glad when it settles down though as I've even found myself thinking some of the guys I work with are good looking. Now that really is somewhere I don't want to go!
Oh, and with regards to cute recycling guy, I had to go to the center a week ago with some bits and pieces, this time I had make-up on. The place was busy. Cute guy was there but a short distance away. I needed to know where to put one of the items I'd taken so I caught his attention, this time I got a couple of words shouted across telling me which skip to put it in and that was that. OK, we were about 20 yards apart so he probably didn't recognise me, at least that's I hope that's the case.
"No, this is just the bits that I couldn't bring over last weekend" I replied.
"Its cold today, we start at 7:30 and it was freezing this morning" he continued.
"I know, its not as cold as it was yesterday morning, my car was starting to freeze up before I'd even got out of the street" I replied.
"Where do you work?" he asked.
"OMG," I thought "he's going to talk to me again. Does he realise just how good looking he is? I like that ring he's wearing, oh look no wedding ring so he's not married."
As I sat waiting to go into the recycling centre I found myself in conversation with one of the guys that work there. A really handsome guy.
A few weeks ago I spent two weekends going to and from the centre taking broken fence panels, all of the plants and bushes that we had to dig up in order to allow the fence panels to be replaced, some bikes, a wheel barrow and various other bits and pieces.
Of course loading and unloading the car has been dirty, sweaty work and so I've not bothered putting on any make-up, had my hair pulled back and even worn a baseball cap or Buff.
Both weekends I've been approached by the same guy and we've had short chats. Both weekends I've found myself thinking that perhaps I should have made a little bit of effort with my appearance and put on a bit of make-up. Maybe I'd have been able to flirt with him a bit, maybe not, I am married after all.
Some time ago a friend and I were sat having a coffee when she asked me about my sexuality. As we talked she turned to me and said "Do you know I think your bisexual."
Thinking about it I realised that she was right, its just that in my efforts to be seen as a male I'd suppressed that side of me. Now finally being myself I could actually allow myself a bit more freedom with who I found attractive.
Another conversation that I had which raised the subject of who I might find myself attracted to was a bit more black and white in how it was seen. Pre-transition I was a heterosexual male, post-transition and surgery I would either be attracted to females meaning that I was a lesbian or to males which would make me a heterosexual female. I nodded along to the conversation and simply said I didn't know who I would be attracted to. If I had that same conversation now then my response would be both men and women, something certain to stir things up a bit as the person asking the question was wife of the vicar at the church we went to.
I know that there are people whose sexual orientation stays the same throughout transition and beyond, I also know that there are people whose orientation switches. I think in my case its just coming round to what it's always been. I'll be glad when it settles down though as I've even found myself thinking some of the guys I work with are good looking. Now that really is somewhere I don't want to go!
Oh, and with regards to cute recycling guy, I had to go to the center a week ago with some bits and pieces, this time I had make-up on. The place was busy. Cute guy was there but a short distance away. I needed to know where to put one of the items I'd taken so I caught his attention, this time I got a couple of words shouted across telling me which skip to put it in and that was that. OK, we were about 20 yards apart so he probably didn't recognise me, at least that's I hope that's the case.
Saturday, 17 January 2015
Free Satellite
Last year we inherited a Freesat satellite TV box from my late father-in-law. We had it installed in our bedroom because for ages all we've been able to watch in there is programmes that we'd recorded on our Sky box. No matter what we'd tried we just couldn't get a reasonable television signal in there.
The guy that installed it changed the connector box on the satellite and while we were chatting to him told us that if we wanted additional boxes fitted then he would be able to do that.
At Christmas we bought a new box to put in the kitchen last week rang up and arranged to have it connected up.
This afternoon the guy that owns the firm arrived. He was a lovely chap, very friendly and joked with us as he did the work. At one point he commented on my hair colour and I told him I wanted it redder, he asked how red so I told him.
As he was finishing up he turned to me and asked me my name. "Jenna" I replied.
"What as your old name? Hope you don't mind me asking" he continued.
"What on Earth!" I thought. Then the penny clicked, he'd figured that I was transsexual.
"B..." I replied telling my old name.
"Have you always known that you were like this" he asked. "You don't have to answer."
"I've known most of my life, I transitioned 3 years ago" I replied.
The conversation carried on with him explaining that he'd done things that he wanted to distance himself from and that people should be happy to be them.
I was a bit annoyed as I'm so used to living as a woman 24/7 that I don't think about people figuring out that I'm a transsexual female. I certainly don't expect someone that I've asked into my home to do a job to ask such a personal question. I suppose my guard was down somewhat by being in my own home. That and the fact that I think I've reached the point where I know who I am and accept that and am not ashamed off it.
Maybe at some point after I've had my surgery I'll feel different and want to disappear and go stealth. I actually hope that I don't reach that point because I have this feeling that the universe wants me to be visible to others regardless of their gender.
The guy that installed it changed the connector box on the satellite and while we were chatting to him told us that if we wanted additional boxes fitted then he would be able to do that.
At Christmas we bought a new box to put in the kitchen last week rang up and arranged to have it connected up.
This afternoon the guy that owns the firm arrived. He was a lovely chap, very friendly and joked with us as he did the work. At one point he commented on my hair colour and I told him I wanted it redder, he asked how red so I told him.
As he was finishing up he turned to me and asked me my name. "Jenna" I replied.
"What as your old name? Hope you don't mind me asking" he continued.
"What on Earth!" I thought. Then the penny clicked, he'd figured that I was transsexual.
"B..." I replied telling my old name.
"Have you always known that you were like this" he asked. "You don't have to answer."
"I've known most of my life, I transitioned 3 years ago" I replied.
The conversation carried on with him explaining that he'd done things that he wanted to distance himself from and that people should be happy to be them.
I was a bit annoyed as I'm so used to living as a woman 24/7 that I don't think about people figuring out that I'm a transsexual female. I certainly don't expect someone that I've asked into my home to do a job to ask such a personal question. I suppose my guard was down somewhat by being in my own home. That and the fact that I think I've reached the point where I know who I am and accept that and am not ashamed off it.
Maybe at some point after I've had my surgery I'll feel different and want to disappear and go stealth. I actually hope that I don't reach that point because I have this feeling that the universe wants me to be visible to others regardless of their gender.
My first VLog
I know I've posted pictures of me before but you now get a chance to hear what I sound like. Feel free to let me know what you think of how I sound.
Oh, and I am wearing a strappy, camisole top, it just looks like I've got nothing much on.
Honest :-)
Saturday, 27 December 2014
Bye to 2014, hello to 2015
So 2014 is drawing to a close. It's not been a good year overall. My son, Rhys, was taken seriously ill with two tumours, one which was removed and the other is being monitored. He's also had lots of problems with stomach pains, the reason for which has yet to be diagnosed properly, and is currently having to have lots of supplements in order to try and increase his weight.
In November we lost my Mum, very quickly after we found out that she had cancer. On Monday (29th December) we are having the internment service so that we can bury her ashes. Its just going to be the immediate family so will be a very private affair.
As usual I set myself a number of goals, looking back at them I didn't manage to achieve many. I managed to attend a number of belly dance classes throughout the year and I've fleshed out a dance routine which I aim to get to performance standard next year, and to hopefully perform it sometime after I've had my GRS.
I managed to do a number of burlesque workshops in the second half of the year which was more than I've done for a while. They were fabulous and reinforced just how much I enjoy doing burlesque. If I lived in Bristol rather than Yeovil then I'd be doing burlesque a lot more than I have done, I'd probably even be performing regularly.
I managed to complete a couple of half marathons but didn't achieve any of my fitness goals. In fact my fitness has suffered, I've not even managed to make it to the gym that much, something that does annoy me as I'm paying for membership that I'm not using.
As far as transition is concerned that all went a lot better. I had my second opinion at the start of the year and then went to Brighton in the summer. After some hiccups with regards to funding for surgeries I'm happily expecting to find out the date for my surgery early in the new year.
Looking ahead to 2015 I've not set myself some goals, all of which are achievable to some degree.
My fitness goal for the year is to complete the Great Welsh Marathon in April. I entered the race the other week and now just have to get my training underway. I'm planning on using it as a way to raise funds for Macmillan Cancer Support in memory of my Mum.
As far as dance goes I have the belly dance routine I want to perfect and hopefully perform towards the end of the year. I also have a burlesque balloon pop routine I've been meaning to develop and I plan to do that in 2015, maybe even managing to perform it if I'm lucky. I plan on joining a local burlesque based class on a Monday evening in January so I have the incentive to work on my burlesque with a group of other ladies.
As far as work is concerned I'll be changing projects in January just as soon as I've completed the work I'm doing at the moment. If my surgery dates come through when I'm hoping then I'll be enjoying a number of weeks off during the summer. If not then I could find myself heading to Australia for a month, something I'm hoping not to do. In the meantime I have the exam for the Advanced Technical Test Analyst course that I took earlier this year to complete, and to pass.
I also want to do more writing. There's a couple of projects that I've started that I want to complete. I've been working on turning the blog we wrote when my son was undergoing a bone marrow transplant into a book. Its something just for the family really but I need to complete that, its only got a few things that need to be done to it and the initial draft will be complete.
I've also got my own life story that I've been working on, I want to try and get the initial draft of that finished next year. Again its only really for family but it will be nice to do next year.
Finally I really need to write more. I enjoy it so much but have been a bit lax at times, next year I'm determined to do more.
Of course the big goal for next year is to have my operations. Hopefully come May that will happen and I can move onto the next stage in my life.
Finally there is my spiritual side. I'll post something more about that in the New Year but suffice to say that over the last few months my spirituality has been changing and I'm moving away from my Christian beliefs and returning more to the beliefs I had when I was a lot younger.
So had 2014 draws to a close I want to thank everyone who has been there throughout the year providing support, advice and helping to keep my feet on the ground and not letting me take things to seriously (looking at you Miss C). May 2015 bring you everything that you want in life.
Happy New Year and blessings on each and every one of you.
In November we lost my Mum, very quickly after we found out that she had cancer. On Monday (29th December) we are having the internment service so that we can bury her ashes. Its just going to be the immediate family so will be a very private affair.
As usual I set myself a number of goals, looking back at them I didn't manage to achieve many. I managed to attend a number of belly dance classes throughout the year and I've fleshed out a dance routine which I aim to get to performance standard next year, and to hopefully perform it sometime after I've had my GRS.
I managed to do a number of burlesque workshops in the second half of the year which was more than I've done for a while. They were fabulous and reinforced just how much I enjoy doing burlesque. If I lived in Bristol rather than Yeovil then I'd be doing burlesque a lot more than I have done, I'd probably even be performing regularly.
I managed to complete a couple of half marathons but didn't achieve any of my fitness goals. In fact my fitness has suffered, I've not even managed to make it to the gym that much, something that does annoy me as I'm paying for membership that I'm not using.
As far as transition is concerned that all went a lot better. I had my second opinion at the start of the year and then went to Brighton in the summer. After some hiccups with regards to funding for surgeries I'm happily expecting to find out the date for my surgery early in the new year.
Looking ahead to 2015 I've not set myself some goals, all of which are achievable to some degree.
My fitness goal for the year is to complete the Great Welsh Marathon in April. I entered the race the other week and now just have to get my training underway. I'm planning on using it as a way to raise funds for Macmillan Cancer Support in memory of my Mum.
As far as dance goes I have the belly dance routine I want to perfect and hopefully perform towards the end of the year. I also have a burlesque balloon pop routine I've been meaning to develop and I plan to do that in 2015, maybe even managing to perform it if I'm lucky. I plan on joining a local burlesque based class on a Monday evening in January so I have the incentive to work on my burlesque with a group of other ladies.
As far as work is concerned I'll be changing projects in January just as soon as I've completed the work I'm doing at the moment. If my surgery dates come through when I'm hoping then I'll be enjoying a number of weeks off during the summer. If not then I could find myself heading to Australia for a month, something I'm hoping not to do. In the meantime I have the exam for the Advanced Technical Test Analyst course that I took earlier this year to complete, and to pass.
I also want to do more writing. There's a couple of projects that I've started that I want to complete. I've been working on turning the blog we wrote when my son was undergoing a bone marrow transplant into a book. Its something just for the family really but I need to complete that, its only got a few things that need to be done to it and the initial draft will be complete.
I've also got my own life story that I've been working on, I want to try and get the initial draft of that finished next year. Again its only really for family but it will be nice to do next year.
Finally I really need to write more. I enjoy it so much but have been a bit lax at times, next year I'm determined to do more.
Of course the big goal for next year is to have my operations. Hopefully come May that will happen and I can move onto the next stage in my life.
Finally there is my spiritual side. I'll post something more about that in the New Year but suffice to say that over the last few months my spirituality has been changing and I'm moving away from my Christian beliefs and returning more to the beliefs I had when I was a lot younger.
So had 2014 draws to a close I want to thank everyone who has been there throughout the year providing support, advice and helping to keep my feet on the ground and not letting me take things to seriously (looking at you Miss C). May 2015 bring you everything that you want in life.
Happy New Year and blessings on each and every one of you.
Saturday, 22 November 2014
Sleep tight Mum, may angels guide you to your rest
On Wednesday I received a text message from my sister, "Ring Dad now", while I was at work.
I've had a number of "Have you rung/spoken to Dad" text messages recently but this one was a first.
Immediately finding an empty office I dialed my parents number. Dad answered and I asked what was up.
"Your Mum is worse, the nurses have said that she's not got more than two weeks to go but it could be days. They've said if anyone wants to see her then they should do it sooner rather than later."
Coming off the phone I spoke with my immediate line managers and told them I wouldn't be in on Thursday and let my wife and son know that at least I would be going to Wales to see Mum, in the end the three of us were able to go.
Speaking with my sister she told me she'd be down on Friday.
The trip up on Thursday was uneventful, the weather was nice for a change and by lunchtime we were pulling up in front of my parents house.
Dad greeted us and told us that he'd seen Mum (well he would since he lives there and is looking after her), but that it was up to us if we wanted to. Turning to my son he said "You're not seeing her".
Mum was lying face down in bed, her breath was laboured but she did look like she was just sleeping normally. After getting some more details about her condition from Dad we went back downstairs.
Dad nipped out just after that in order to take all of the drugs Mum had been having orally to the chemist as she no longer needed them. While he was out we told my son that it he wanted to see Nanny then he could, we'd just not tell Grampy.
A couple of minutes after Dad has gone out the community nurses arrived to do their thing, minutes later one of Mum's cousins also arrived. While the nurses were busy with Mum I chatted with her cousin. At one point I had to point out who I was as she had a bit of a puzzled look to her. When Dad returned we called in Mum's cousin's grandson who was waiting in the car for her.
While Dad talked to her I ended up having a conversation about computer games and games consoles, including a discussion about Commodore 64 and BBC Micros and the joys of playing games that needed to be loaded from cassette tape. The noise of a computer game being loaded from cassette is one that you never forget.
At one point Mum's cousin turned to me and said "You look just like you Mum." I'm still not sure which of us I feel sorry for. Probably Mum for looking like me :-)
Eventually she was able to pop up and see Mum, when she returned it was with the comment "that's not your Mum" and she was right. Mum wasn't there, only a shell really remained. The personality, the life force, that was Mum was gone. There would be no more conversations with her. No more sharing things, no more advice from her, no more silly little comments about my transition that only a parent that doesn't fully understand but is trying so hard to be there for you will make.
We made sure that Dad had a proper meal before heading back, as much as I would have liked to have stayed up overnight I knew that I'd have to make arrangements with work and tie up a few loose ends before taking some time off.
Friday morning and I was awake at 6am. As I was about to get out of bed I said to my wife "At least we got through the night", no phone calls in the early hours thank goodness. Then the phone rang.
As soon as I picked up the handset I knew what I'd hear. The display showed the call was from my parents. Dad told me that Mum had gone, she'd stopped breathing at about 5am. Mum was finally at peace.
I spoke with Dad for a few minutes before putting the phone down, only to have it ring again as my sister rang to check if I'd heard from Dad.
It was hard talking to her, knowing that she had been heading down to see Mum before she passed away but that she'd not be able to do that now was too much and I cried. I know she wanted to see her but I'm actually glad that she didn't. Last weekend when we were all there Mum was in a better state than she was on Thursday. With various doctors and nurses going in by the time my sister would get there Mum should be looking peaceful.
I popped into work and spoke with HR and one of my bosses and told them what had happened, they were surprised that I'd actually come in but I needed the distraction for a while. I actually had some interesting conversations with people yesterday morning about some things, but that's for another time.
Mum was still at the house when my sister got there. She told me that she looked peaceful but that her tongue was just peeking out of her mouth. Even in death Mum is still poking fun at the world around her and poking her tongue out at us all. She wanted her funeral to be a celebration and not something sad and she made sure that she was going to remind us of that even at the end.
Sleep tight Mum, sweet dreams, I know your with your Mam and Dad now. Just don't give your brother too much of a hard time will you because I know that you've got a few strong words to have with him after all this time.
Love you xx
I've had a number of "Have you rung/spoken to Dad" text messages recently but this one was a first.
Immediately finding an empty office I dialed my parents number. Dad answered and I asked what was up.
"Your Mum is worse, the nurses have said that she's not got more than two weeks to go but it could be days. They've said if anyone wants to see her then they should do it sooner rather than later."
Coming off the phone I spoke with my immediate line managers and told them I wouldn't be in on Thursday and let my wife and son know that at least I would be going to Wales to see Mum, in the end the three of us were able to go.
Speaking with my sister she told me she'd be down on Friday.
The trip up on Thursday was uneventful, the weather was nice for a change and by lunchtime we were pulling up in front of my parents house.
Dad greeted us and told us that he'd seen Mum (well he would since he lives there and is looking after her), but that it was up to us if we wanted to. Turning to my son he said "You're not seeing her".
Mum was lying face down in bed, her breath was laboured but she did look like she was just sleeping normally. After getting some more details about her condition from Dad we went back downstairs.
Dad nipped out just after that in order to take all of the drugs Mum had been having orally to the chemist as she no longer needed them. While he was out we told my son that it he wanted to see Nanny then he could, we'd just not tell Grampy.
A couple of minutes after Dad has gone out the community nurses arrived to do their thing, minutes later one of Mum's cousins also arrived. While the nurses were busy with Mum I chatted with her cousin. At one point I had to point out who I was as she had a bit of a puzzled look to her. When Dad returned we called in Mum's cousin's grandson who was waiting in the car for her.
While Dad talked to her I ended up having a conversation about computer games and games consoles, including a discussion about Commodore 64 and BBC Micros and the joys of playing games that needed to be loaded from cassette tape. The noise of a computer game being loaded from cassette is one that you never forget.
At one point Mum's cousin turned to me and said "You look just like you Mum." I'm still not sure which of us I feel sorry for. Probably Mum for looking like me :-)
Eventually she was able to pop up and see Mum, when she returned it was with the comment "that's not your Mum" and she was right. Mum wasn't there, only a shell really remained. The personality, the life force, that was Mum was gone. There would be no more conversations with her. No more sharing things, no more advice from her, no more silly little comments about my transition that only a parent that doesn't fully understand but is trying so hard to be there for you will make.
We made sure that Dad had a proper meal before heading back, as much as I would have liked to have stayed up overnight I knew that I'd have to make arrangements with work and tie up a few loose ends before taking some time off.
Friday morning and I was awake at 6am. As I was about to get out of bed I said to my wife "At least we got through the night", no phone calls in the early hours thank goodness. Then the phone rang.
As soon as I picked up the handset I knew what I'd hear. The display showed the call was from my parents. Dad told me that Mum had gone, she'd stopped breathing at about 5am. Mum was finally at peace.
I spoke with Dad for a few minutes before putting the phone down, only to have it ring again as my sister rang to check if I'd heard from Dad.
It was hard talking to her, knowing that she had been heading down to see Mum before she passed away but that she'd not be able to do that now was too much and I cried. I know she wanted to see her but I'm actually glad that she didn't. Last weekend when we were all there Mum was in a better state than she was on Thursday. With various doctors and nurses going in by the time my sister would get there Mum should be looking peaceful.
I popped into work and spoke with HR and one of my bosses and told them what had happened, they were surprised that I'd actually come in but I needed the distraction for a while. I actually had some interesting conversations with people yesterday morning about some things, but that's for another time.
Mum was still at the house when my sister got there. She told me that she looked peaceful but that her tongue was just peeking out of her mouth. Even in death Mum is still poking fun at the world around her and poking her tongue out at us all. She wanted her funeral to be a celebration and not something sad and she made sure that she was going to remind us of that even at the end.
Sleep tight Mum, sweet dreams, I know your with your Mam and Dad now. Just don't give your brother too much of a hard time will you because I know that you've got a few strong words to have with him after all this time.
Love you xx
Monday, 3 November 2014
Pen to paper, or fingers to keyboard
For someone who loves to write I've found it really difficult to do that recently.
I've managed to do just one of the weekly writing prompts from Laura's Writers Roadmap over the last few months. I've struggled to write any posts for this blog and after agreeing to put together a webpage for our companies intranet site that will be used during our Diversity and Inclusion Awareness week I've really struggled to come up with a suitable introduction to the subject of Transgender.
I've got to get that done today or tomorrow as they are putting together the webpages for that week soon. I have managed to pull together something which I've uploaded to my own website. Hopefully I can get something together that I'm happy with. With it being such a wide subject area its hard to do it the justice that it deserves. (If anyone wants to take a look at the Transgender section and give me some feedback that would be most welcome as the website is a work in progress and I want to expand on a lot of it anyway.)
So why am I struggling with writing?
This year has been a difficult one for my family. My son has been in and out of hospital with the tumour operations and radiotherapy. He's had quite a bit of stomach pains as well, although that seems to have eased since I put the sign of the cross on his forehead about two weeks ago, using Holy water that one of the sweetest old ladies from church brought back from Lourdes.
Over the summer my partners Dad passed away and we've had to deal with that.
And then to top it all my Mum hasn't been well and we've been told that she has cancer and that its spread throughout her body so there is nothing that the doctors are able to do. We don't know how long she has got left, could be anything from weeks upwards.
We saw her about a fortnight ago and she wasn't too bad. Yesterday we went up to see my parents again as my sister was down to visit. Mum looks worse, she's so weak because she's picked up a chest infection. She's got antibiotics so hopefully they will sort that out and she'll be able to regain some strength.
Yesterday was hard, I managed to spend some time with her on my own. She asked me if I was happy now, I am I told her. She told me to be me, never mind what others want or think and then she says that she wants it to be a celebration. I wasn't sure what she meant until she said that she doesn't want black. I knew then that she was talking about her funeral.
It was hard trying to keep things together. My sister was almost in tears at one point. My partner was in tears. My son has been around death all his life and saw his grandfather in his last hours during the summer but being like me he doesn't show his emotions as openly. I spent so much time yesterday wanting to let the tears come but I held them back because everyone else is going to need to get through the days, weeks and months ahead. Someone has to be the source of strength that gets them through it all. As the eldest that will be me.
I sent my sister the following the other day when we were talking via email
"If it sometimes seems that I'm not upset by Mum's illness and what we're facing that isn't the case. I might not cry when I'm around people but that's because I'm so used to dealing with Rhys' illness and being a source of strength for everyone else to get them through the tough times. I might not openly grieve in front of people but that's because I need to do that my way and at the times and places I feel I can do that."
Once we've dealt with Mum we will have to rally round Dad because he is going to need so much support. Mum says he's stronger than we think but even so I don't know how he's going to cope with losing the person that has been part of his life for half a century. The time ahead is going to be one where I will have to dig so deep into the strength that has sustained me through everything that life has thrown at me. In a way I think being transsexual and dealing with all that entails has been training for everything that life seems to chuck my way.
So I'll apologise in advance if some of my posts seem to be a bit depressing over the months to come, or if they seem infrequent. There are going to be bright spots, I know that. For starters I've got to find something suitable to wear to Mum's funeral, something that is not black and it classy because when she was looking at some of the pictures from the photoshoot we had done earlier this year she said "don't wear so much makeup, go for the classical look." So classy and bright for my Mum when we say our final goodbyes it is.
I've managed to do just one of the weekly writing prompts from Laura's Writers Roadmap over the last few months. I've struggled to write any posts for this blog and after agreeing to put together a webpage for our companies intranet site that will be used during our Diversity and Inclusion Awareness week I've really struggled to come up with a suitable introduction to the subject of Transgender.
I've got to get that done today or tomorrow as they are putting together the webpages for that week soon. I have managed to pull together something which I've uploaded to my own website. Hopefully I can get something together that I'm happy with. With it being such a wide subject area its hard to do it the justice that it deserves. (If anyone wants to take a look at the Transgender section and give me some feedback that would be most welcome as the website is a work in progress and I want to expand on a lot of it anyway.)
So why am I struggling with writing?
This year has been a difficult one for my family. My son has been in and out of hospital with the tumour operations and radiotherapy. He's had quite a bit of stomach pains as well, although that seems to have eased since I put the sign of the cross on his forehead about two weeks ago, using Holy water that one of the sweetest old ladies from church brought back from Lourdes.
Over the summer my partners Dad passed away and we've had to deal with that.
And then to top it all my Mum hasn't been well and we've been told that she has cancer and that its spread throughout her body so there is nothing that the doctors are able to do. We don't know how long she has got left, could be anything from weeks upwards.
We saw her about a fortnight ago and she wasn't too bad. Yesterday we went up to see my parents again as my sister was down to visit. Mum looks worse, she's so weak because she's picked up a chest infection. She's got antibiotics so hopefully they will sort that out and she'll be able to regain some strength.
Yesterday was hard, I managed to spend some time with her on my own. She asked me if I was happy now, I am I told her. She told me to be me, never mind what others want or think and then she says that she wants it to be a celebration. I wasn't sure what she meant until she said that she doesn't want black. I knew then that she was talking about her funeral.
It was hard trying to keep things together. My sister was almost in tears at one point. My partner was in tears. My son has been around death all his life and saw his grandfather in his last hours during the summer but being like me he doesn't show his emotions as openly. I spent so much time yesterday wanting to let the tears come but I held them back because everyone else is going to need to get through the days, weeks and months ahead. Someone has to be the source of strength that gets them through it all. As the eldest that will be me.
I sent my sister the following the other day when we were talking via email
"If it sometimes seems that I'm not upset by Mum's illness and what we're facing that isn't the case. I might not cry when I'm around people but that's because I'm so used to dealing with Rhys' illness and being a source of strength for everyone else to get them through the tough times. I might not openly grieve in front of people but that's because I need to do that my way and at the times and places I feel I can do that."
Once we've dealt with Mum we will have to rally round Dad because he is going to need so much support. Mum says he's stronger than we think but even so I don't know how he's going to cope with losing the person that has been part of his life for half a century. The time ahead is going to be one where I will have to dig so deep into the strength that has sustained me through everything that life has thrown at me. In a way I think being transsexual and dealing with all that entails has been training for everything that life seems to chuck my way.
So I'll apologise in advance if some of my posts seem to be a bit depressing over the months to come, or if they seem infrequent. There are going to be bright spots, I know that. For starters I've got to find something suitable to wear to Mum's funeral, something that is not black and it classy because when she was looking at some of the pictures from the photoshoot we had done earlier this year she said "don't wear so much makeup, go for the classical look." So classy and bright for my Mum when we say our final goodbyes it is.
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