30 Days of Trans - Day 14

Day 14 - What are some of your passing tips or things you do to pass

Monday 15^th April

Passing tips or things I do to pass? Hmm.

I think the main thing that I do in order to pass is something that I was told when I went for my voice therapy consultation initially.

S, who was my speech therapist at the time, was really happy when I met her as I was pre-transition then. Usually she told me she only gets to see people after they after started their Real Life Experience. As I hadn't reached that point she gave me some useful tips.

The first tip was that when choosing a name don't choose something that is simply a feminine version of your male name. Choose something that is clearly female. When you have to tell someone your name if it is clearly a women's name then if they have any doubts about you it will reinforce their image of you as female.

The second tip was to ensure through the way that you dress, your hairstyle, make-up, the way you walk and hold yourself that it says to anyone that sees you that you are a woman.

The more clues, that you can give to anyone meeting or seeing you, that you are female the better. If they have any doubts about that fact then giving them lots of signs that you are female will push them into that conclusion.

The only other things that I do in order to pass are to look at what other women my age are wearing that fit into the style that I have developed for myself. If it fits my style and figure and women my age are wearing it then it should help me to blend in and be less noticeable.

Also when I'm going anywhere then I think about where it is I'm going and then dress accordingly. If I'm going to the supermarket then I'll wear everyday clothes. I wont wear anything dressy, unless of course I happen to be going to the supermarket on my way to some fancy party. Dress to the situation and again it helps you to blend in and pass.

Work on getting your voice to sound feminine. I've taken speech therapy lessons to give me an idea of what I need to do to my voice to make it sound more feminine. It seems to have worked. I do have to concentrate on it a lot as its not second nature yet, one day it will though.

Finally, if you have a female friend that you trust and who can be honest with you about your appearance and behaviour then ask them what they think. Use their feedback to help you improve so that you pass more successfully.

30 Days of Trans - Day 13

Day 13 - Bathrooms

Sunday 14^th April

I suppose if you are going to discuss transgender issues then the topic of bathrooms has to come up at some point.

Since I transitioned the toilet issue has been one that I've been very aware of. If I'm out and about I either have to make sure that I don't need to go or if I do then look for facilities where I'm going to have the least possible bother.

So far I've been lucky and when I have needed to go have found single person unisex facilities. A while back while out with my son I even discovered that our town centre has some of these which was a real surprise, especially as I didn't realise that this set of public toilets were even there.

While out and about I have used dedicated female facilities on two occasions.

Once was while driving back from my parents and I needed to stop and use the facilities at a motorway services. On that occasion my other half came into the ladies with me, of course she finished her business before me and didn't wait for me so I had to wash hands, check my appearance and walk out on my own. Fortunately that trip to the bathroom passed uneventfully.

The only other time I've had to use the bathroom while out was during a trip to sort out hiring clothing for my son's ski trip at the beginning of the year. Caught short on the way back to the car I popped into the ladies in the car park while my family were outside. Nobody else was in there and I knew that my family were outside if there was any bother, or at least I thought they were but no they had wandered off back to the car.

The only other times that I've used toilets have been in a pub and I went at the same time as a friend who hung around. She did say to me before I went into the cubicle “remember to sit down and go like a woman”. As if I wouldn't do that.

Other than that when I've been at burlesque classes I've used the facilities and its been fine as it tends to be a private venue.

At work the situation has varied. At my normal place of work we have individual facilities as well as more communal women's facilities. I agreed with HR that I would use the individual facilities which is what I've pretty much done since I worked there anyway. On very rare occasions when I know that there aren't any other women around I've made use of the more communal ones.

Where I work at the moment HR told me that there were disabled toilets that I can use. Like anyone else, including some of the other women I've made use of these as sometimes they are the closest. After my first couple of days at the office though I started using the communal facilities as the office manager wasn't worried about which I used, she's female, and none of the other women have been fussed either.

When I get back to my normal place of work in May then I'll be back to using individual facilities, and that's fine. While I'm out and about though I'm going to have to get used to the idea that sometimes I'm going to have to use toilet facilities and accept the fact that just possibly I might get a negative reaction from another woman while in them. For someone that is transgendered that has to be part of becoming yourself and can't be escaped.

30 Days of Trans - Day 12

Day 12 - What are you doing to stay healthy for transitioning mentally and physically

Saturday 13^th April

The main things that I do to stay mentally and physically healthy while transitioning are keeping fit and doing things I enjoy doing.

I go swimming, running and cycling as I take part in triathlons. I also go to the gym with my son so that he gets the chance to keep fit and work on building up some muscles.

When I'm not doing sport then I work on my burlesque, that has helped with building up my confidence levels and also my awareness of body movement and posture. Working on routines and even performing them has taken me out of my shell. Doing drama improvisation work has helped me to overcome some of my natural shyness, especially when it involves slipping into my burlesque alter-ego who does the things that I find difficult to do.

Other than that I have my job which is mentally stimulating and is in a supportive environment so it helps me to deal with things because I can't allow myself to mope around and dwell on anything negative or unhealthy while earning a living.

The last thing I do is to get out and do the things I'd normally do. Every time I go out the door and manage to do ordinary things without getting an adverse reaction helps to keep me mentally strong for my transition.

30 Days of Trans - Day 11

Day 11 - How do you manage dysphoria

Friday 12^th April

Since I transitioned last year and even more since I've started on hormones my sense of dysphoria is so much less than it was.

The worst that I remember it being was while driving to Bristol for a burlesque class. I looked at my arms and could see hair on them and it began to affect me. I was literally on the verge of turning around and driving back home but I managed to keep driving, I focussed on the fact that I was going to somewhere that I enjoyed, where I was accepted for who I was and where I was developing talents that I'd never have dreamed of previously.

I can still look at my body and think I hate it, I wish that I'd been born with the right one. When I get feelings like that I think about what is causing those feelings, hair on my body, the thing between my legs, lack of breast growth or something else. I think about whatever it is and then remember that I can deal with those things. I can remove the hair on my body with laser, electrolysis, epilation and shaving. I can tuck things securely between my legs and eventually will have surgery to correct what is down there. The hormones will eventually sort out other areas of my body and surgery can sort out anything that needs a bit of artificial help, in the meantime there are artificial ways to sort those out.

I may not be the way that I should have been and noticing that can be distressful at times but as long as I remember that I am finally sorting things out and that there are things I can do in the meantime then I can manage my dysphoria and get through the bad times.

30 Days of Trans - Day 10

Day 10 - What are some of your fears in regards to being trans

Thursday 11^th April

My main fears are what will happen if I lose my job, will I be able to find another one or will people find excuses to turn me down for a job so that they don't have to deal with someone who is trans.

My other fear is the threat of violence against myself but also against my family from people that don't understand what it really means to be trans and feel that because you are trans that you are fair game to assault or even worse.

My other main fear is that my son will suffer at school if his peers find out about me. With the exception of those of his peers whose parents and children we have known for a long time.

30 Days of Trans - Day 9

Day 9 - What is something positive about being trans

Wednesday 10^th April

The most positive thing I think about being trans is that it gives you the chance to learn about yourself and about gender more deeply than most people ever will. Being trans is not easy but as you learn about yourselves you begin to understand more about other people. This in turn can lead to you becoming more aware of what your fellow men and women have to deal with in their lives.

A sad day

I had some sad news yesterday.
A friend of mine from church passed away.

I've known Ken for a good few years. He is a remarkable man, and had led an interesting life. The stories he used to tell always had that element of is he telling me the truth. I'm sure that some of them were exaggerated but, whether they were or not, it was always fun listening to him tell them to you.

Before I transitioned Ken always used to wind me up if he could, with him around there was never ever the chance that I would get too full of myself. Although his face would be very serious you knew that he was enjoying seeing your reaction.

After I transitioned I didn't see him as much, between me not going to church for a while and him being unwell for a time we were never in the same place at the same time as often as we used to be.

Ken was also one of the first people to talk to me when I did go to church after I transitioned. Our chats weren't as playful as they used to be but there was always a sense that here was someone who cared about others and would go out of his way to help them and show them friendship.

In the last year I realised just how special a person and a Christian he was. If I am ever half the person that he was then I'll think myself lucky and be very happy.

I'm going to miss him and our chats. The world has lost an amazing, caring person and seems a little bit darker today.