The week so far - Monday

This week has been an interesting one so far.

Monday evening was the low point.

We had an appointment with our Vicar, his wife and a friend. We've met with them a few times throughout this journey. The last time we met we discussed my changing which services I went to, I'd offered to go to the evening service but was told that I should carry on going to the morning service.

In between that meeting and last Monday's the church council and a lot of our cell groups have been told about my transitioning from January.

On Monday evening we discussed my involvement in the church in all its forms. I was left a bit disappointed and was ready to have nothing more to do with the church.

We have a system where people pair up with someone else in order to provide support, friendship and to pray together. One of the conditions of that is that you can't have a man and a woman as a pair. Two males, two females, a male and a couple or a female and a couple is all acceptable. I currently have a male prayer partner and so will have to change. However, rather than simply finding another female that I can talk to and pray with its been suggested that I pair up with a couple. I can see that it would make it easier for a couple to be able to provide support and prayer both to me and also each other along my journey but it does make life really difficult for me as there aren't going to be any suitable couples that I can turn to. So I'm not going to be finding myself a prayer partner.
In addition to that I was also informed that because my other half goes to the cell group as me that the group had decided that they couldn't support both of us and that they were going to support my other half. For that reason I'd have to find another cell group.

Now I know that it was going to be difficult for them to support both of us but there are a lot of other groups that my other half could have fitted into a lot more easily than myself. Especially as I've been with that group since we started using cell groups nearly 10 years ago. To suddenly be told to find another group and not even given a suggestion as to which ones might be suitable was as big a kick in the teeth as they could have given me.

I have to admit that I was all set to walk away from the church at that point. If I wanted to go to church then

I could find one that was more accepting. Wouldn't be simple but not impossible.
Then last night, Thursday, I bumped into a friend from church. She knows what is happening and we've spoken briefly before the summer at a church weekend. We talked about her, me and a few other things. While we were chatting though I found myself deciding that I'd stick with most of decisions, I'd not get a prayer partner or join another cell group but I wouldn't walk away from the church. Instead I'd go to the evening service so that they have to deal with the fact that as Christians they should be learning to show love and compassion to everyone, not just those that fit within their experiences and understanding.

Also last night my other half and son went to a social organized by the cell group. I decided that after Monday I wasn't going to go. Besides I had some practice I needed to do for my burlesque routine and with the family out that seemed a great time to do it.

This morning I asked my other half if anything had been said about me not being there. She told me that our friend, who was at Monday's meeting, chatted to her during the evening and said that she realized that I wasn't going to be happy about being told the group couldn't support me.

I couldn't help thinking how funny that was. If they'd realized it was going to upset me then surely the decent thing to do would be to talk to me about it and explain why they felt that way and then get me to accept the decision, not to tell me that they'd decided and that I was being kicked out. That is so wrong on all levels and if I was an outsider looking at what happened I would immediately be thinking "do I really want to associate with a bunch of people that can turn their back on someone without providing them with any alternate support?" I already know that some people are looking at the way our church is behaving and wondering why anyone would want to be a Christian.

Come January we have another meeting scheduled with our Vicar, his wife and our friend. It unlikely that I'm going to go. My other half can go but I no longer feel the need to discuss things with them. If I do go then it will be to see just our Vicar and his wife.

A busy week ahead

This week is going to be both busy and memorable. Probably the most memorable week I've ever had.

As of Monday I'm back working shifts, early shifts in particular which means that I have to be at work for 6am. In fact if I can get there just before that then it helps as I have to open up the building which is not a simple matter. I'm doing that until Thursday and then I'm on holiday until the 9th January.

On Tuesday I've got my fortnightly trip to Bristol. It will be a busy evening because I'll be having a one-to-one dance lesson in order to go over my burlesque routine. After that I've got my burlesque class which I'm really looking forward to as its expanding my abilities into other areas such as improvisation and storytelling. The last class I was at was hilarious as we ended up coming up with a story that involved The Chippendales and a homicidal dolphin that got sucked down into a whirlpool.

I've also got the next fitting for the costume that I'm having made. This time it will be to check the fit of the skirt.

Finally, I have to try and visit my oldest friend. I informed him about my plans for gender reassignment 2 weeks ago. This week will be the first time he gets to meet Jenna in the flesh and also to talk about what I'm doing.

Friday looks like being a busy day as I need to take a friend to a hospital appointment in Bristol. After I get back from that I've got an appointment at the salon for a full body wax, eyelash tint and an eyebrow wax. Finally I can get my eyebrows done in a really feminine shape.

Thursday and Saturday are the big days this week.

On Thursday my immediate work colleagues will be informed about my plans for gender reassignment. Shortly after that everyone else at work will be told. I expect I'll be the topic of conversation at work for about 10 minutes and then that will be it until January.

Saturday will be the day I enjoy the most. In the morning I'm going to go and get my hair done. However, it will be Jenna that goes, not my male self. There will be lots of curls and it will be set so that I don't have to worry about it for a good few days.

In the afternoon after redoing my make-up I will be picking up S, one of my neighbors and we will be driving up to Bristol where I will be performing in a Christmas burlesque show. My first real public performance. I'm going to be performing a variant of the routine I did earlier this year but this time rather than to Clare Teal's Stone Soul Picnic I'll be performing to an instrumental version of The Little Drummer Boy which has the David Bowie/Bing Crosby version in the middle of it. Hopefully S will be able to video the show, in particular my part of it. If so I'll have to upload it.

Not long now

Only four weeks to go now, 31 days as I write this post until I start living and working full time as Jenna.

Next Thursday all of my immediate work colleagues will know about my plans for gender reassignment. From what I've been hearing there are quite a few people that know already. The other day I was told that my project managers boss has known for something like 2 months.

As soon as my colleagues have been told I'll be off on leave until the 9th January when Jenna will return to work.

Notifying people that I've changed my name has been an interesting experience.

A number of places its simply been a case of changing details online and I've not needed a Deed Poll or other form of notification that I've changed my name.

A couple of times its meant that the easiest way to deal with the change is to delete an account or remove myself from a register and then create a new account or add myself to a register again under my new name. The latter is what I did with the Organ Donor Register.

So far the only people that I've had to supply my Deed Poll to have been the bank (all I need to do is to tell them when I want my account details changed and it will all happen automatically), DVLA (for my driving license), store card, a health insurance policy and the Land Registry because I own my house.

There are bound to be people that I've not informed of the change of name and so I expect I'll be getting post in my old name for quite some time to come, although I'm sure scrawling "Not known at this address" on most of it and posting it back will deal with most of that.

Its been interesting going through this process as its given me a good idea of just how many people know of our existence, even if it is just being registered on a computer system somewhere. Next time I read a story or see a film where someone erases a person's identity then I'm just going to laugh out loud because its not an simple as its made out to be.

Flying Solo

Long day last Tuesday.
Got up at 5am and wandered downstairs, flicked on the kettle and then went into the living room to select the make-up I was going to use for my trip to The Laurels.
A mug of coffee later and I started working on my hair with straighteners. I so hope that I get better at doing my hair with straighteners, although I'm quite happy to not get good at using them at 6am.
With my hair in a reasonable state I started on my make-up. It only took me about 20 minutes to get my make-up done. I finished up, then got dressed in the trousers and blouse I was going to wear.
Everyone else was in bed so I made a cup of tea and took it up to my other half to make sure that she was awake and getting ready as she also had an appointment at the clinic.
With her awake I went back downstairs, put on my coat, picked up my bag and let myself out of the house. By now it was 6:45, most of the neighbours would still be in bed or getting ready to leave for work but I had enough time before anyone else was moving around outside the houses.

Tuesday was a cold and frosty morning and I had to sit in the car for 5 minutes waiting for the windscreen to clear. A few people passed by on their way to work but none of them were people I knew. Eventually I headed off the to the nearby supermarket to fill the car with petrol. Its a long drive to Exeter and back.
With that little task done I pulled the car into a space in the supermarket car park and sent a text message to a friend to let her know that I was out of the house and sitting in a car park waiting for my other half to finish getting ready so that she didn't have deal with the possibility of us bumping into someone when we left the house. Also so that our son didn't have to meet Jenna face-to-face.

After 20 minutes my other half contacted me to let me know that our son was feeling dizzy. On top of the cough and cold he's had she needed to stay home and make sure that he was OK. I agreed with her and so began what was to be a solo trip to Exeter.

The drive to Exeter is easy and pleasant enough. Just over an hour after setting off I was pulling into a space in the car park next to the clinic. I'd intended to take advantage of the an early arrival to get some photos taken for my driving license and passport. Wandering through the city centre at 9 in the morning had to be easier than going later because there was likely to be less people. In the end I only had 15 minutes until my appointment and no time to do anything.

My counseling session went well, so much has happened recently, that I was fully conscious of the time slipping away while I tried to go over everything.

During the session I mentioned that I wanted to get the photo for my driving license done. S, my counselor, suggested that I might want to use the Post Office and gave me directions on how to get there.

The session drew to a close and I headed off. I had two things that I wanted to do while in Exeter at that point. One was to get some pictures taken and the other was to visit Clinique at Debenhams and pick up some anti-redness cream to use underneath my foundation.

As I walked towards Debenhams I was conscious of people around me and felt a little bit nervous. I wasn't worried about the way I was dressed as my outfit was similar to that worn by any woman who might be out shopping or even on their way to work. I was more worried about drawing attention to myself in other ways.

In the end the walk to Debenhams was uneventful. If anyone gave me any more than a casual glance I didn't notice it.

The Clinique counter wasn't busy but the assistant was serving another customer so I wandered around, passed the Clarins counter and came back to Clinique, the lady at the Clarins stand gave me a friendly smile. Back at Clinique the assistant was free and we discussed what I wanted. She was really helpful and friendly, to the point of telling me that she was going to the cinema that evening to see a film. We chatted briefly as I completed my purchase.

That done I made my way in the direction of the Post Office, the only problem was I couldn't find it. After 10 minutes of wandering around the streets of Exeter I decided to head back to my car.

By the car park is a Tourist Information office. As I'd already dealt with one person in Debenhams I decided to go in and ask if they could point me to the Post Office. The lady in there was very helpful, gave me clear directions and after thanking her I headed back in the direction I'd just come.

I need new glasses, even though I've just bought some, because there was the Post Office clear as anything. I'd walked straight passed without seeing it.

The photo booth was right by the entrance and so I was able to nip in, have my picture taken and then head off back to my car. My confidence level had gone up by now and I was tempted to pop in somewhere and get a coffee but I knew I had to get back in order to go to work in the afternoon. The nearest coffee shop looked busy so I decided to say the coffee for another visit. I might even make it lunch somewhere as when I go for my next appointment I'll be a week into my RLE.

Tuesday was a bit step for me in a way. Even though I've been into the shops in Exeter twice before now during my trips there, it has always been in company. This time I had to do it on my own. Like most things I've done over the last year this ticked off yet another thing I am going to have to get used to doing every day. At least now I've done it, so come January it wont be as big a thing. OK, doing it in the town I live in for the first time might be but its not as scary.

Still here

Its been a month since I last posted. Part of that is because my laptop died on me and had to go over for repair.

A few things have happened since then.

I did meet up with personnel to start firming up the plans for dealing with things at work. Things are nicely on track.

Met up with friends at my vicar's house and discussed the way ahead for us as a family. Things are a bit clearer now. As a result we're doing a bit of redecorating which has included knowing down a cupboard in one of the bedrooms to give a bit more space. The place looks like a bomb has exploded in it. I'd planned to get that room redecorated by the end of month. In reality it will most likely take into December now.

My attempt to see my oldest friend and tell him what is happening went out the window when I fell ill the day I'd been planning on going up to see him. I've not managed to rearrange the visit yet.

I have managed to get up to Bristol for burlesque classes several times though. On both occasions I also went to discuss a burlesque costume I want made and to have a fitting. If the mock-ups for it are anything to go by then it will look awesome. I'm so excited by it.

I've signed up to do a burlesque solo at our Christmas Cabaret. I'm going to do my routine to The Little Drummer Boy which will include the David Bowie/Bing Crosby version in the middle of it. My costume looks fabulous. I hope that it fits!

Earlier this month we met with the SENCO and Nurse at my son's school and discussed what is happening and what support that everyone can provide him. .

I've completed a Deed Poll and so my name change is all ready for January. I just need to inform everyone that needs to know.

Last weekend my son and I visited my sister, her husband and the twins. My brother-in-law hadn't been told what was happening and so on the Saturday night I informed him of my plans. He took it really well. Surprised us in fact.


Also on Saturday my wife told her family. Their reaction was pretty much what I'd expected.


This last week has been a bit of a rough one. People's reactions last weekend, being extremely busy at work, doctors and dentist appointments, and a few other things have left me in a bit of an emotional state. There's been some really positive things happen, a visit to a friend's, a visit to the salon for a body waxing, getting my hair done and having a better idea of what I'm going to do with my solo routine. All of these have helped to lift my mood. Still far too many things are getting me down.


I have my next visit to The Laurels Clinic soon. Hopefully my counsellor will be able to help me get myself out of this mood, or if not can point me to the person who can.


Time is ticking onwards and the day I transition and go full time as Jenna is drawing ever nearer. Its very exciting but also really nerve-wracking. I think I've now got my work wardrobe sorted. I've certainly go enough clothes now to make sure that I have something to wear to work and also out and about. Well as many as any woman has, which is not necessarily enough.


I'll try and post a bit more frequently from now on as things start to happen more.

The way ahead

I'm planning on starting my Real Life Experience on the 9^th January.

Here's the rough plan timetable for my transition. I know its going to sound really clinical but its the easiest way for me to work out everything I need to be doing.

24^th October

Meet with personnel to start firming up the plans for dealing with things at work.

Meet with some friends at my vicar's house in order to talk about the way ahead for us as a family.

25^th October

Going to Bristol, going to see friends at burlesque class and then going to see my oldest friend and his wife  before coming home. Time to explain to them what is happening. Dreading this conversation.

Early November

Meet with the SENCO and Nurse at my son's school to let them know what is happening so that they can make arrangements to provide my son with any support that he needs.

15^th November

Complete Deed Poll changing name in preparation for going full time.

21^st November

Next appointment at The Laurels with the counselor. Go over what I've done to date, what I think I've still got to do and when I'm planning on doing them.

End November, beginning December

Start informing everyone who needs to know of the change of name. For instance change driving license, bank, doctors etc.

December 16^th

Project Christmas meal and last day at work as Bill.

December 20^th

Go back into work for an hour in order to announce what is happening to my immediate colleagues. Email will then go out to the rest of the company informing them of my change.

January 9^th

Return to work as Jenna.

Diagnosis Transsexual

Tuesday 11^th October, 11am. One of the most important dates and times in my entire life.

This was the date and time of my appointment with the doctor at The Laurels where he would confirm the diagnosis that the counsellor had put on the report she'd written after my three assessment sessions with her.

The report had said that I was male to female transsexual. There was a slim chance that the doctor could disagree with that.

After seeing my son off on his French trip, I went home, finished getting ready and then at 8 o'clock left the house, filled the car up with petrol and the popped around to my friend's house where I was going to finish getting ready to go to Exeter.

By get ready I mean put on my make-up and get changed into the outfit I was going to wear for my appointment.

I'd thought long and hard about what I was going to wear and had picked out a top and corduroy slacks, a smart, professional looking dress and a top and skirt. We reviewed my choices and I went with the dress. I really should have gone with the top and slacks instead but I wasn't to know at the time.

Commandeering the bathroom I got ready and a little while later emerged. By just after 9:15 we were in the car and heading to Exeter.

The drive itself was pleasant, a splattering of rain but nothing too heavy. Unlike my last trip to Exeter this time the roads on the outskirts were very quiet with no long traffic jam.

We parked the car in the nearby car park just before 10:30. With time to spare before my appointment we headed towards Exeter High Street and a quick visit to Boots and Lloyds bank.

On the way there I caught people glancing at me out of the corners of their eyes and also openly looking. This was totally unlike the last time I'd gone into Exeter with my friend. Admittedly last time I was wearing jeans and a top, this time I was wearing a dress with a hem that ended well above the knee. I was beginning to regret the choice of outfit. As Homer Simpson would says “Doh!”

My friend tried to get me to relax, including at one point giving a push that caused me to stagger. I laughed at that point and began to relax, not caring what anyone thought.

We made our way to The Laurels arriving with 15 minutes to spare before my appointment.

Apart from the staff there was one other person there when we arrived and she offered to make us a drink. Coffee in hand I sat down and we chatted for a couple of minutes before my counselor came out of her room and saw me, she asked me in for a quick chat before my appointment.

We sat down and went over some recent events. After about 10 minutes the receptionist knocked on the door to let us know that the doctor was ready to see me.

The doctor greeted me in the reception area and we went through to the consulting room.

My report was on the desk

The doctor wanted to go over the report to clarify some things. For the next half an hour I talked about my childhood, the first few years after leaving home and moving to Portsmouth and also my journey from when I first saw a doctor to talk about being transsexual to being sat there waiting to hear his decision. We talked about my son's illness and how it had delayed things.

At one point the doctor looked at me and said that he didn't see Bill sitting in front of him.

He talked about how gender dysphoria is a continuum with really mild cases at the one end and more severe cases at the other.

Eventually he told me that he agreed with the counselor conclusion and that I was male-to-female transsexual. He thought that I sit somewhere in the middle of the dysphoria spectrum. He did say that mine wasn't a typical case because I've managed to hold out for so long. My dysphoria is getting worse though and he understood that become a woman is the only way that I can deal with it.

After going over my past and his confirm the diagnosis he explained what the way ahead is.

To start with I'll be continuing to have therapy/counselling. My next appointment is already planned for the middle of November. For the remainder of my time at the clinic I'll be meeting with the counsellor every 6 weeks to discuss how things are going and for her to help me as I develop as a woman.

Every 3 months I'll meet with doctor to go over my treatment. After 3 to 6 months of me being with The Laurels I should be able to start on hormones. I've an appointment to see doctor a week after I start my Real Life Experience. My next appointment will then be at the end of March or more likely the beginning of April. At that appointment we'll be discussing me starting on hormones.

My Real Life Experience will take 2 years, at the end of that I'll be able to look at getting the final surgeries to complete everything.

In the meantime I can get back in contact with the Speech Therapist that I saw last year to arrange sessions with her to work on my voice. I can also look at getting some more laser hair removal sessions to clear the hair on my face.

Everyone is really friendly at the clinic, both staff and other patients. The clinic was really busy as apart from other patients with appointments there were a few others there as it gets used as a drop in for patients and ex-patients when they are in the area.

After we'd finished at the clinic we wandered into the city centre in order to get something to eat. We'd planned on going to Prezzo and had an idea where it was, right at the opposite end of the high street to where the clinic was. We started walking down the high street, I noticed people glancing at me from time to time, darn short dress was drawing more attention to me than a pair of trousers would have done.

We reached where the restaurant should have been but couldn't find it so we walked all the way back up the other way in case we'd gone in the wrong direction, passing the turning for the clinic we carried on. Still no sign of Prezzo.

At this point I suggested we make our way to Hotel Chocolat which we knew how to find and ask there. The assistant was really helpful and sent us back down the high street in the direction we'd originally gone. I'd even asked her a few questions to clarify exactly where the restaurant was, my voice is nowhere feminine enough but she responded in a friendly manner and with a smile.

Running the lunchtime gauntlet I again noticed people looking at me but nobody uttered a word, certainly not that I could hear. This time we carried on a bit further and found the restaurant.

A waiter sat us at a table off the side of the main restaurant as I wanted to be away from most of the diners. The only other people eating there were a group of women and an older couple. The couple finished their meal shortly after we arrived and left.

The waitress came and took our food and drink order and kept popping back to check on us over the course of our meal. Again she behaved in a friendly manner.

Finally we finished our meal and made our way to the till to pay.

This was the first time I've been in a restaurant to eat as a female. It was a another major step for me and ticked off yet another thing that I take for granted but have to do for the first time as a female.

A quick visit to Debenhams to have a browse around the clothes, nothing really caught Kate or my I and we left empty handed. Another visit to Hotel Chocolat, again leaving empty handed, then it was back to the car and the drive back.

Even though my son was away I couldn't go back to the house without changing and removing my make-up as it was still early and there was the chance of bumping into one of the neighbors who don't know about my plans. In fact I did bump into one of them as I was making my way from the car to the house.

So I've bored you with what happened in Exeter, you'll be wanting to know what is going to be happening in the months ahead.

My other half still hasn't told her family. We're going to arrange to go up to where they live at some point after half term so that my sister-in-law can be told, as she's likely to take the news more calmly, and then with her help tell my mother-in-law. I don't know how or when she's going to tell father-in-law but he's going to take the news the worst I suspect. Do I care? Not really. We all know he's got a low opinion of me since I kicked him out of the house. My other half said that it might be easier for me to tell her family. A bit late to suggest that to me. I told her I'd have done it ages ago if it had been up to me. Not leave it until the last minute.

My other half has thought a bit about what she wants going forward from now, she's got half term week to think about things properly as we'll be talking about it when I get back. As of last Friday she wanted us to stay together as a family but I might have to move into the small bedroom when I go full time.

Looks like I'll be doing a bit of decorating over the coming weeks.