Yesterday as I was sitting at my desk in work the phone rang, it was our personnel department.
A few weeks ago I'd had a catch up session with the person who is my point of contact, as far as transitioning is concerned, so that I could explain to them that there were two people that knew what was going on. At that time we talked about what I was going to do if the news got out more generally. As a result I agreed that I needed to work out a transition plan and how we were going to announce things to people.
When the phone rang yesterday my contact asked if we could meet up so I said yes, I needed to explain about the weekend's events anyway.
At lunchtime I popped along to the personnel department and we went and sat in an empty office where we weren't going to be disturbed.
After a bit of general chat my contact took the lead in the conversation before I could tell her what was going on.
What she had to tell me was, as I told her, the worse possible thing she could have said at that time.
It would seem that at least one other person at work knows what is happening with regards to me as they have been to discuss the matter. I don't know who it is, how many people actually know or how they worked out that I'm transitioning. Neither does my contact in personnel.
OK, I've been growing my hair out and also having it highlighted a blonde colour but that doesn't mean that I'm having gender reassignment. Its a big leap to make. Yes I've had my eye lashes tinted but again, even if you noticed it, then it would be a massive leap to come up with what is happening.
I have no problem with people knowing, it was bound to happen at some point, it would be nice to know who it was discussed me with personnel and how they managed to come to the correct conclusion. I doubt that I'll find out though but who knows, that person might decide to come and talk to me in person. It has to be someone that I know though because otherwise how would that person know who I am?
Maybe I'll find out, maybe I wont. This weekend we're away so I'll be taking time to work out how I'm going to deal with people at work knowing what is going on if it does become general knowledge.
I did find out last night while talking with a friend that people are asking about me, specifically some of her family, they'd noticed my hair and also thought that they'd seen me wearing mascara. Damn that blue black tint, fat too noticeable!
I did manage to tell my personnel contact about telling my son last weekend and what had happened and why her news wasn't the best. I've got a few days to think about things and then I'll sit down to go over things early next week with personnel.
Aaaaggggghhhh! Why can't life be easy.
Tuesday, 14 June 2011
Game Over - maybe
Last Saturday we sat down and told our son that I was transitioning. His reaction exceeded anything that we could have expected and brought my world crashing down. The following is what I wrote in my journal shortly after it. I thought about publishing this at a later point but today decided that I'd post it now, rather than later.
Be warned, this is not pleasant reading as it was my raw emotional state for the next 24 hours after we sat down with him. If you find you can't read it then skip ahead to the end.
------------------------------------------
2:30am
Sleeping on the couch.
Its 5 hours since my world ended! 5 hours since I died!
We sat down and told R what was happening and he burst into tears, clung to me and sobbed his heart out. He wouldn't go to T at first, eventually he did. Eventually he calmed down and went to bed. I went up with him but he was still upset so I told him that I'd have to think about things.
T went upstairs to him, while she was there I put on some clothes and went out for a walk. I wasn't out for more that it takes to slowly walk three and a half miles but that was where my life ended.
If I can't transition because of him then my life has finished. It is only a matter of time before this body runs down and stops working. Only a matter of time before I stop fighting to get through each day and let the weariness, the disgust and loathing I feel for my body and the lack of support I will have take its toll.
R doesn't understand that it is only a matter of time before I can't deal with things and take my own life. T doesn't understand that either.
T thinks I can carry on going to my burlesque classes. How can I? How can I possibly go to classes where I see the other girls with female bodies that I don't possess. Even if I put everything on hold it would mean I would have to spend time each week in the company of women while knowing that I was so far from being one of them.
My body is physically going to break down. It wont take long. It will be very easy. All I have to do is increase the amount of exercise I do while reducing the number of calories I take in. The weight will drop off and eventually my body will start to fail.
If I can't transition then I will have to give up my support network, give up my new friends because I wont want to talk to them, wont want to see them doing what I can't. I'll be so alone.
Sam said dreams can come true. Huh, not mine. My dreams ended years ago. I'm living in my own nightmares now, my own personal hell. Well at least we don't have to worry about telling cell group any more.
T doesn't have to worry about telling her family. Mine and everyone that knows and even understands slightly what I'm going through will realise what I'm going through.
They say a good number of transsexuals take their own lives, great I'm going to be just another statistic.
My life from now on is going to be pretty crap. I'm going to end up a mess. I'm going to end up dead. Rhys will never understand this, not until its too late. Maybe not even then.
I'll be stopping going to St James. I honestly don't see any point in carrying on going there. I don't see any point in going somewhere to worship a God that made me what I am so that I have to spend my days in pain and torment. What kind of a God does that? What kind of a God gives you things only to snatch them away?
Look at my life. He let me meet Marina, let her get pregnant and took our child away.
He let me meet T and fall in love with someone who accepted me only for her to reveal that she didn't once she'd got everything that she wanted, a way out of where she was living, a white wedding, husband, house and child.
He gave me a child and then nearly took him away. He still could. R doesn't realise that he is still at a significant risk of further cancers.
He gave me a chance to teach at junior church. I might not have been a good teacher but I had a chance.
He let me get involved in Street Pastors.
Then he let my gender disphoria get the better of me, get so bad that I couldn't cope anymore without doing something about it.
When I did do something about it the work I was doing with Junior Church and Street Pastors stopped.
All my life I've tried to stay faithful, tried to get on with things while dealing with who I am. I've tried to deal with how I was created until it go too much and I had to do something about it.
Now he's ripped that from me too.
I think he wants me dead.
I don't understand what I've done to deserve all this. I don't understand what I've done to be punished like this. I wish I did but it doesn't matter anymore.
We all knew that if I didn't do anything now then I wouldn't be around in 6 months time. That is now the case. R goes to B in August. When he comes back I wont be around anymore. I'm so sorry but I can't deal with it anymore.
God can punish me properly then. He can punish me for the hurt that I'll be causing friends and family, why not he might as well heap all the pain and torment he can on me, he's doing that anyway.
T could have tried to be supportive when we were talking to R but she couldn't. Did she try to be when I was out, who cares, I have no real way of knowing other than what she says. She wont have tried to explain to R that is for certain.
I'm so angry right now. I want to tell R exactly what this all means, what the likely outcome is going to be but that would be mean and cruel and something I would never do.
I've been there all his life for him. The one time that I need him to be there for me and he isn't. I understand though. He's 13, he's not mature enough.
Time is running out now. 3 months and I will be dead. 3 months and T and R will have to fend for themselves. When I put together my transition plan I didn't realise that it would turn into a plan for how Tracey would have to deal with things after my death! Well I have a new date to work towards. Unless something major happens I wont be seeing September, I wont be seeing R and the twins grow up. I wont see anything happen.
I'll either move on to a new level of pain or find peace. One way or the other I wont be alive to tell anyone.
------------------------------------------
The morning after I wrote that I got up at 6am, watched a bit of television and had a couple of mugs of coffee but nothing to eat. When T and R got up I put on my running gear and went out for an hour and a half run covering just over 8 and a half miles. When I came home I had a glass of energy drink and another mug of coffee. I had another mug of coffee later on but no food, then I took R to the gym for an hour. When I got home I had a pasta dish with home made tomato, onion and mushroom sauce. The only food I had all day.
That morning while I was out running I spent time speaking with God and informing him of my plans. He's known what I'm like all my life. He's also known that when he pisses me off then I make up my mind to do something and am perfectly willing to carry out what I've decided. I told God that he was going to have to watch me slowly killing myself and that I'd be making sure that I spoke with him every step of the way.
Since those events I've calmed down and spoken with friends who know what is happening. I've got over the immediate aftermath. I've distanced myself emotionally from R a bit but even that's changing as we had a pillow fight during the adverts for one of the programmes we like watching together last night.
I'm going to have to give R a chance to adjust to things. I can't not go ahead with transitioning because in all honesty things will probably get worse if I don't like I wrote in my journal. We're going to explain things to a number of friends later this week, I told one friend on Sunday evening so that R could talk to her as he goes to a group she runs. I've also arranged for another friend who R trusts to come around to talk to him after school today because he was asking if anyone at his school knew. With a bit of patience hopefully he'll understand that this is something that I have to do and although physically I'll change, I wont change in any other way. The interesting thing about his reaction is that the reason he burst into tears was when we got to the part in the GIRES information that we were reading to him that talked about how he would have to refer to me as a her or she. I managed to get him to tell me that much about why he reacted like that.
Be warned, this is not pleasant reading as it was my raw emotional state for the next 24 hours after we sat down with him. If you find you can't read it then skip ahead to the end.
------------------------------------------
2:30am
Sleeping on the couch.
Its 5 hours since my world ended! 5 hours since I died!
We sat down and told R what was happening and he burst into tears, clung to me and sobbed his heart out. He wouldn't go to T at first, eventually he did. Eventually he calmed down and went to bed. I went up with him but he was still upset so I told him that I'd have to think about things.
T went upstairs to him, while she was there I put on some clothes and went out for a walk. I wasn't out for more that it takes to slowly walk three and a half miles but that was where my life ended.
If I can't transition because of him then my life has finished. It is only a matter of time before this body runs down and stops working. Only a matter of time before I stop fighting to get through each day and let the weariness, the disgust and loathing I feel for my body and the lack of support I will have take its toll.
R doesn't understand that it is only a matter of time before I can't deal with things and take my own life. T doesn't understand that either.
T thinks I can carry on going to my burlesque classes. How can I? How can I possibly go to classes where I see the other girls with female bodies that I don't possess. Even if I put everything on hold it would mean I would have to spend time each week in the company of women while knowing that I was so far from being one of them.
My body is physically going to break down. It wont take long. It will be very easy. All I have to do is increase the amount of exercise I do while reducing the number of calories I take in. The weight will drop off and eventually my body will start to fail.
If I can't transition then I will have to give up my support network, give up my new friends because I wont want to talk to them, wont want to see them doing what I can't. I'll be so alone.
Sam said dreams can come true. Huh, not mine. My dreams ended years ago. I'm living in my own nightmares now, my own personal hell. Well at least we don't have to worry about telling cell group any more.
T doesn't have to worry about telling her family. Mine and everyone that knows and even understands slightly what I'm going through will realise what I'm going through.
They say a good number of transsexuals take their own lives, great I'm going to be just another statistic.
My life from now on is going to be pretty crap. I'm going to end up a mess. I'm going to end up dead. Rhys will never understand this, not until its too late. Maybe not even then.
I'll be stopping going to St James. I honestly don't see any point in carrying on going there. I don't see any point in going somewhere to worship a God that made me what I am so that I have to spend my days in pain and torment. What kind of a God does that? What kind of a God gives you things only to snatch them away?
Look at my life. He let me meet Marina, let her get pregnant and took our child away.
He let me meet T and fall in love with someone who accepted me only for her to reveal that she didn't once she'd got everything that she wanted, a way out of where she was living, a white wedding, husband, house and child.
He gave me a child and then nearly took him away. He still could. R doesn't realise that he is still at a significant risk of further cancers.
He gave me a chance to teach at junior church. I might not have been a good teacher but I had a chance.
He let me get involved in Street Pastors.
Then he let my gender disphoria get the better of me, get so bad that I couldn't cope anymore without doing something about it.
When I did do something about it the work I was doing with Junior Church and Street Pastors stopped.
All my life I've tried to stay faithful, tried to get on with things while dealing with who I am. I've tried to deal with how I was created until it go too much and I had to do something about it.
Now he's ripped that from me too.
I think he wants me dead.
I don't understand what I've done to deserve all this. I don't understand what I've done to be punished like this. I wish I did but it doesn't matter anymore.
We all knew that if I didn't do anything now then I wouldn't be around in 6 months time. That is now the case. R goes to B in August. When he comes back I wont be around anymore. I'm so sorry but I can't deal with it anymore.
God can punish me properly then. He can punish me for the hurt that I'll be causing friends and family, why not he might as well heap all the pain and torment he can on me, he's doing that anyway.
T could have tried to be supportive when we were talking to R but she couldn't. Did she try to be when I was out, who cares, I have no real way of knowing other than what she says. She wont have tried to explain to R that is for certain.
I'm so angry right now. I want to tell R exactly what this all means, what the likely outcome is going to be but that would be mean and cruel and something I would never do.
I've been there all his life for him. The one time that I need him to be there for me and he isn't. I understand though. He's 13, he's not mature enough.
Time is running out now. 3 months and I will be dead. 3 months and T and R will have to fend for themselves. When I put together my transition plan I didn't realise that it would turn into a plan for how Tracey would have to deal with things after my death! Well I have a new date to work towards. Unless something major happens I wont be seeing September, I wont be seeing R and the twins grow up. I wont see anything happen.
I'll either move on to a new level of pain or find peace. One way or the other I wont be alive to tell anyone.
------------------------------------------
The morning after I wrote that I got up at 6am, watched a bit of television and had a couple of mugs of coffee but nothing to eat. When T and R got up I put on my running gear and went out for an hour and a half run covering just over 8 and a half miles. When I came home I had a glass of energy drink and another mug of coffee. I had another mug of coffee later on but no food, then I took R to the gym for an hour. When I got home I had a pasta dish with home made tomato, onion and mushroom sauce. The only food I had all day.
That morning while I was out running I spent time speaking with God and informing him of my plans. He's known what I'm like all my life. He's also known that when he pisses me off then I make up my mind to do something and am perfectly willing to carry out what I've decided. I told God that he was going to have to watch me slowly killing myself and that I'd be making sure that I spoke with him every step of the way.
Since those events I've calmed down and spoken with friends who know what is happening. I've got over the immediate aftermath. I've distanced myself emotionally from R a bit but even that's changing as we had a pillow fight during the adverts for one of the programmes we like watching together last night.
I'm going to have to give R a chance to adjust to things. I can't not go ahead with transitioning because in all honesty things will probably get worse if I don't like I wrote in my journal. We're going to explain things to a number of friends later this week, I told one friend on Sunday evening so that R could talk to her as he goes to a group she runs. I've also arranged for another friend who R trusts to come around to talk to him after school today because he was asking if anyone at his school knew. With a bit of patience hopefully he'll understand that this is something that I have to do and although physically I'll change, I wont change in any other way. The interesting thing about his reaction is that the reason he burst into tears was when we got to the part in the GIRES information that we were reading to him that talked about how he would have to refer to me as a her or she. I managed to get him to tell me that much about why he reacted like that.
Friday, 10 June 2011
Bonding session
Today I had a nice hour and a half bonding session with my son.
Back in March I joined the local leisure centre and have been using their gym. At the time I joined the young lady that helped me to complete my application told me that if I had any teenagers at home then I could add them to my membership for a couple of pounds a month. At the time I didn't think too much of it because other than swimming and cycling around near our house, my son isn't the most sporty of people.
The other week while he was getting dressed I couldn't help but notice how thin and gaunt he looks. His past medical history has not lent itself to him carrying a lot of bulk around. Even so I thought that he looked too thin.
I mentioned to him that if he wanted we could get him membership at the leisure centre and he could use the gym and work on improving his cardio fitness and also do some work with weights in order to build up his muscles. It turns out that he can't use the weights for another 6 months because he's not old enough just yet. However, he can use the cardio equipment.
We got him membership last weekend and today he had his gym induction. The two of us went down and the gym manager showed him how to use the equipment. She was really good and made it all fun to do.
After she had finished the two of us went back onto the running machine and then he had a few more goes on some of the other equipment. I think his favourite is the rowing machine.
It was good fun being able to spend some time together and hopefully we'll be able to have two of these sessions each week from now on.
Tomorrow evening we're going out for a meal and when we get back home my other half and I are going to be sitting down with him to explain about my plans to transition. He knows some things about me and knows that we're going to be having a chat about things, just not what exactly. We almost had this conversation last year but it got put off. I'm just hoping and praying that he takes this in his stride like he's taken so much else in his stride over the years.
Back in March I joined the local leisure centre and have been using their gym. At the time I joined the young lady that helped me to complete my application told me that if I had any teenagers at home then I could add them to my membership for a couple of pounds a month. At the time I didn't think too much of it because other than swimming and cycling around near our house, my son isn't the most sporty of people.
The other week while he was getting dressed I couldn't help but notice how thin and gaunt he looks. His past medical history has not lent itself to him carrying a lot of bulk around. Even so I thought that he looked too thin.
I mentioned to him that if he wanted we could get him membership at the leisure centre and he could use the gym and work on improving his cardio fitness and also do some work with weights in order to build up his muscles. It turns out that he can't use the weights for another 6 months because he's not old enough just yet. However, he can use the cardio equipment.
We got him membership last weekend and today he had his gym induction. The two of us went down and the gym manager showed him how to use the equipment. She was really good and made it all fun to do.
After she had finished the two of us went back onto the running machine and then he had a few more goes on some of the other equipment. I think his favourite is the rowing machine.
It was good fun being able to spend some time together and hopefully we'll be able to have two of these sessions each week from now on.
Tomorrow evening we're going out for a meal and when we get back home my other half and I are going to be sitting down with him to explain about my plans to transition. He knows some things about me and knows that we're going to be having a chat about things, just not what exactly. We almost had this conversation last year but it got put off. I'm just hoping and praying that he takes this in his stride like he's taken so much else in his stride over the years.
Wednesday, 8 June 2011
Counting down
Less than a month now and the invite has gone out to a few more people.
The rearranged date for me performing the burlesque routine that I've been learning is now approaching. Even more important at last night's class my teacher mentioned it to me and asked if I'd like to share it with the rest of the class so I did. I've now invited the 5 girls that were there to come along to see me dance as well as the friends that I'd already invited.
The invite will go out to the rest of the group at some point after I've spoken with my teacher properly.
The routine has change a little bit since she saw it last as we've had different teachers at the class for the last couple of weeks and as a result at least one of the poses that I was going to use has changed.
Last night's class was fabulous, we put together a routine to a song that we weren't totally comfortable with and then went over the routine, developing it and refining it to various other songs.
I have to admit I was feeling a bit down as I drove to Bristol last night, I just wasn't happy with my body and its current unmistakeably masculine look and so was feeling depressed. I almost turned the car around at one point and came home. In the end I got to Bristol, made it to the class and had a great time with the girls, even met someone new.
I do wonder if my future actually lies in Bristol rather than where I live at the moment. If the right opportunity came up to allow me to move live there either in the week or all the time, and to transition, then I'd take it. At the moment there is no sign of anything.
I had an email from a friend this week which mentioned that burlesque classes have started locally. Tempting as it is to go somewhere local, its going to be a lot cheaper, I'm enjoying the lessons in Bristol and my new friends. It would be interesting to go to a couple of lessons locally to see what they are like, but I might just arrange to meet up with my friend when she goes along. Perhaps I should go to a couple of lessons to give her some moral support!
The rearranged date for me performing the burlesque routine that I've been learning is now approaching. Even more important at last night's class my teacher mentioned it to me and asked if I'd like to share it with the rest of the class so I did. I've now invited the 5 girls that were there to come along to see me dance as well as the friends that I'd already invited.
The invite will go out to the rest of the group at some point after I've spoken with my teacher properly.
The routine has change a little bit since she saw it last as we've had different teachers at the class for the last couple of weeks and as a result at least one of the poses that I was going to use has changed.
Last night's class was fabulous, we put together a routine to a song that we weren't totally comfortable with and then went over the routine, developing it and refining it to various other songs.
I have to admit I was feeling a bit down as I drove to Bristol last night, I just wasn't happy with my body and its current unmistakeably masculine look and so was feeling depressed. I almost turned the car around at one point and came home. In the end I got to Bristol, made it to the class and had a great time with the girls, even met someone new.
I do wonder if my future actually lies in Bristol rather than where I live at the moment. If the right opportunity came up to allow me to move live there either in the week or all the time, and to transition, then I'd take it. At the moment there is no sign of anything.
I had an email from a friend this week which mentioned that burlesque classes have started locally. Tempting as it is to go somewhere local, its going to be a lot cheaper, I'm enjoying the lessons in Bristol and my new friends. It would be interesting to go to a couple of lessons locally to see what they are like, but I might just arrange to meet up with my friend when she goes along. Perhaps I should go to a couple of lessons to give her some moral support!
Sunday, 5 June 2011
Some progress
The other week my other half and I went around to a friend's house. Two of the cell groups from our church had decided to meet up and have a bit of a get together. It was a good evening and everyone enjoyed themselves.
A few days later I was getting ready to go out and switched on my mobile phone to discover that I had a voicemail message. I was tempted to stick the speakerphone on and listen to it but for some reason changed my mind and listened to it normally. I'm glad I did as what I heard took me by surprise and would have caused some awkward questions as my son was stood a few feet away and would have heard what was said.
The message was from a friend, S, who had been at the social and who had, along with our vicar's wife, spoken to my other half. She'd asked them if we could meet up so that we could discuss how we were going to explain my transitioning to our son. The call was to arrange a time to meet up.
I got back in touch with S and we arranged to meet up the following Monday.
On the Monday evening we met up with S, our vicar and his wife. We talked about what was happening, I didn't say any more than I needed to and left everyone else to do most of the talking. In the end we agreed that we would sit down and explain things to my son next Monday after we returned from a weekend in mid Wales.
The trip to Wales has now been cancelled and so we're going to sit down with him and explain things on the Saturday evening which will give him the Sunday to take things in before he has to go to school. Also gives him the chance to talk to his youth group leader if he wants to on the Sunday.
The wife admitted while we were discussing how to tell him that she'd got upset at church one morning recently and had told our son's youth group leader what was going on. At least she told me about it eventually.
The Wednesday after we've told our son we're going to explain things to our cell group so that they can provide my wife with the support she's going to need in the months ahead. It will also stop them from wondering what is going on as we've been told a few of them have noticed that things haven't been right between the two of us for a while.
At the end of the evening as we were heading back to our car my other half decided that as she was in a sharing mood that she'd carry on with this. As we were just about to get into the car she turned to me and said that she had told A and J, two of our non-church friends, that I dressed as a female. She'd done that a little while back. Recently she told them about me transitioning.
Now I've no idea when she told them so I don't know if I've seen them since. Now that I know it will be interesting to see how they react when I do see them next time. Especially if I meet them without the rest of the family around.
Anyway one more week until my son finds out about my plans. I'll post about how it goes afterwards.
A few days later I was getting ready to go out and switched on my mobile phone to discover that I had a voicemail message. I was tempted to stick the speakerphone on and listen to it but for some reason changed my mind and listened to it normally. I'm glad I did as what I heard took me by surprise and would have caused some awkward questions as my son was stood a few feet away and would have heard what was said.
The message was from a friend, S, who had been at the social and who had, along with our vicar's wife, spoken to my other half. She'd asked them if we could meet up so that we could discuss how we were going to explain my transitioning to our son. The call was to arrange a time to meet up.
I got back in touch with S and we arranged to meet up the following Monday.
On the Monday evening we met up with S, our vicar and his wife. We talked about what was happening, I didn't say any more than I needed to and left everyone else to do most of the talking. In the end we agreed that we would sit down and explain things to my son next Monday after we returned from a weekend in mid Wales.
The trip to Wales has now been cancelled and so we're going to sit down with him and explain things on the Saturday evening which will give him the Sunday to take things in before he has to go to school. Also gives him the chance to talk to his youth group leader if he wants to on the Sunday.
The wife admitted while we were discussing how to tell him that she'd got upset at church one morning recently and had told our son's youth group leader what was going on. At least she told me about it eventually.
The Wednesday after we've told our son we're going to explain things to our cell group so that they can provide my wife with the support she's going to need in the months ahead. It will also stop them from wondering what is going on as we've been told a few of them have noticed that things haven't been right between the two of us for a while.
At the end of the evening as we were heading back to our car my other half decided that as she was in a sharing mood that she'd carry on with this. As we were just about to get into the car she turned to me and said that she had told A and J, two of our non-church friends, that I dressed as a female. She'd done that a little while back. Recently she told them about me transitioning.
Now I've no idea when she told them so I don't know if I've seen them since. Now that I know it will be interesting to see how they react when I do see them next time. Especially if I meet them without the rest of the family around.
Anyway one more week until my son finds out about my plans. I'll post about how it goes afterwards.
Wednesday, 18 May 2011
137 men and now I ache
The sun was shining, I was surrounded by men in rubber and we were about to get wet and sweaty. Nope to the plot from some X-rated movie but my first triathlon of this year, oh and the rubber was actually neoprene.
Last Friday my family drove the 4 hours from our home to Nottingham to take part in the Speedo Big Triathlon. Its a long drive but I had a race credit to use after pulling out of my first attempt at completing an Ironman race last summer because of a knee injury.
We stayed at a Holiday Inn overnight. While checking in I asked the receptionist if there was anywhere that I could put my bike rather than leave it in the car overnight. She said that they would put it in a meeting room and asked what was happening as there were apparently a few other people who had asked the same thing. Some had even gone so far as to explain that their bikes were worth more than their cars!
We had a lovely room with two double beds. Other half and I shared one bed, son got the other all to himself.
The food was good, if expensive. All of the staff were really friendly and helpful. I have a feeling that this was one of the hotels that I looked at when I booked for the race last year but then went for another one instead. Next time I'm in Nottingham I'll go for this hotel again though, especially as we now know that there is a pub about 100 yards away where we can get a cheaper meal than the hotel put on.
Saturday we were up early despite the fact that my race didn't start until noon. We wanted to get packed, have breakfast and get to the race venue at a reasonable time as my sister and the twins were going to come up see us, they only live about an hours drive away rather than the normal 3 hours.
Race mornings for me are a nightmare. I've taken part in several swims and triathlons and more runs than I care to think about but one thing is always the same, I need my own toilet. No matter how many races I've done, how prepared I am for them, race morning the nerves hit me first things and I spend a lot of time sequestered away wondering why I am doing a race. Last Saturday was no different.
Once I'd managed to pry myself from the toilet we checked out of the hotel, repacked the car and made our way to Holm Pierrepont where the race was being held.
We parked up and wandered through to the the lake and spent a bit of time watching the under 40s race. We were just in time to see the winner come in off the run. From time to time we watched as the remaining competitors either came in off the run or finished the bike leg and started off on the run. The last guy to go out on the run was racing for a friend's daughter and raising money for charity. He completed the race and got a well deserved round of applause both when he set off on the run and when he crossed the line.
My own race was a bit mixed. Overall my time was 1 hour 31 minutes which I was happy with. The individual parts of the race I've mixed feelings about.
My swim, which although it turned out to be a good time, was a bit rubbish. When the hooter went off I launched into front crawl. 750 metres front crawl is not a problem for me, I've done that distance and further in a wetsuit. This time though I'd positioned myself in the wrong place and found myself clashing with other swimmers and totally unable to settle into a steady stroke and breathing pattern. Resorting to breaststroke in order to give me a bit of time while everyone else got going I never returned to front crawl. In the end I completed the swim in just under 18 minutes.
On leaving the water I started to remove my wetsuit as I made my way to my bike. Stomping on my wetsuit to remove it I felt a sudden sharp pain across my calf. My initial thought was that I'd got cramp but as I bent down to remove my wetsuit the pain disappeared. Now my worry was that I'd actually torn something in my calf. I did that with my other leg a few years ago and its only now that I'm managing to build up the strength in that leg again.
The bike leg went quite smoothly. I'm not the fastest or most confident of cyclist but I managed to get around the 20 kilometres in 45 minutes.
Off the bike and on with my running shoes and off I went for the last 5 kilometres of the race. I was back in my comfort zone at this point and managed to catch and overtake about 5 people before crossing the finish line in just over 27 minutes. Looking at the result I actually did quite well with my run time compared to a lot of the competitors that finished in front of me.
I eventually crossed the line in 1 hour 31 minutes, something I'm quite happy with.
After the race I caught up with my sister and the twins. J, the oldest of the two girls, was fine with me. She got a little bit upset when I sat her on the saddle of my bike. C, her sister, was not impressed either with being sat on the bike. It turned out though that she just wasn't impressed with me at all and as we were walking back to the car gave me an evil look. She does that look in such style by looking up at you from underneath her fringe.
C has given me that look before while we were staying at my parents. It took her a good few hours to get used to me that time, this time it only took half an hour.
Having waved goodbye to my sister and the girls we began the long journey back home. Pizza washed down with wine rounded off a long, tiring but overall enjoyable day. I'm almost recovered from it, my legs have ached in at the top of my thighs since then but that's finally passing. Interestingly my legs reacted the same way after the Yeovil half marathon, perhaps I'm simply getting old!
The next month sees another two races, one at Dorney Lake, which is just a swim, and the other in Bala, which is a middle distance triathlon. Once those are out of the way I get a chance for a rest and to beginning working towards my next race which is in the autumn.
Last Friday my family drove the 4 hours from our home to Nottingham to take part in the Speedo Big Triathlon. Its a long drive but I had a race credit to use after pulling out of my first attempt at completing an Ironman race last summer because of a knee injury.
We stayed at a Holiday Inn overnight. While checking in I asked the receptionist if there was anywhere that I could put my bike rather than leave it in the car overnight. She said that they would put it in a meeting room and asked what was happening as there were apparently a few other people who had asked the same thing. Some had even gone so far as to explain that their bikes were worth more than their cars!
We had a lovely room with two double beds. Other half and I shared one bed, son got the other all to himself.
The food was good, if expensive. All of the staff were really friendly and helpful. I have a feeling that this was one of the hotels that I looked at when I booked for the race last year but then went for another one instead. Next time I'm in Nottingham I'll go for this hotel again though, especially as we now know that there is a pub about 100 yards away where we can get a cheaper meal than the hotel put on.
Saturday we were up early despite the fact that my race didn't start until noon. We wanted to get packed, have breakfast and get to the race venue at a reasonable time as my sister and the twins were going to come up see us, they only live about an hours drive away rather than the normal 3 hours.
Race mornings for me are a nightmare. I've taken part in several swims and triathlons and more runs than I care to think about but one thing is always the same, I need my own toilet. No matter how many races I've done, how prepared I am for them, race morning the nerves hit me first things and I spend a lot of time sequestered away wondering why I am doing a race. Last Saturday was no different.
Once I'd managed to pry myself from the toilet we checked out of the hotel, repacked the car and made our way to Holm Pierrepont where the race was being held.
We parked up and wandered through to the the lake and spent a bit of time watching the under 40s race. We were just in time to see the winner come in off the run. From time to time we watched as the remaining competitors either came in off the run or finished the bike leg and started off on the run. The last guy to go out on the run was racing for a friend's daughter and raising money for charity. He completed the race and got a well deserved round of applause both when he set off on the run and when he crossed the line.
My own race was a bit mixed. Overall my time was 1 hour 31 minutes which I was happy with. The individual parts of the race I've mixed feelings about.
My swim, which although it turned out to be a good time, was a bit rubbish. When the hooter went off I launched into front crawl. 750 metres front crawl is not a problem for me, I've done that distance and further in a wetsuit. This time though I'd positioned myself in the wrong place and found myself clashing with other swimmers and totally unable to settle into a steady stroke and breathing pattern. Resorting to breaststroke in order to give me a bit of time while everyone else got going I never returned to front crawl. In the end I completed the swim in just under 18 minutes.
On leaving the water I started to remove my wetsuit as I made my way to my bike. Stomping on my wetsuit to remove it I felt a sudden sharp pain across my calf. My initial thought was that I'd got cramp but as I bent down to remove my wetsuit the pain disappeared. Now my worry was that I'd actually torn something in my calf. I did that with my other leg a few years ago and its only now that I'm managing to build up the strength in that leg again.
The bike leg went quite smoothly. I'm not the fastest or most confident of cyclist but I managed to get around the 20 kilometres in 45 minutes.
Off the bike and on with my running shoes and off I went for the last 5 kilometres of the race. I was back in my comfort zone at this point and managed to catch and overtake about 5 people before crossing the finish line in just over 27 minutes. Looking at the result I actually did quite well with my run time compared to a lot of the competitors that finished in front of me.
I eventually crossed the line in 1 hour 31 minutes, something I'm quite happy with.
After the race I caught up with my sister and the twins. J, the oldest of the two girls, was fine with me. She got a little bit upset when I sat her on the saddle of my bike. C, her sister, was not impressed either with being sat on the bike. It turned out though that she just wasn't impressed with me at all and as we were walking back to the car gave me an evil look. She does that look in such style by looking up at you from underneath her fringe.
C has given me that look before while we were staying at my parents. It took her a good few hours to get used to me that time, this time it only took half an hour.
Having waved goodbye to my sister and the girls we began the long journey back home. Pizza washed down with wine rounded off a long, tiring but overall enjoyable day. I'm almost recovered from it, my legs have ached in at the top of my thighs since then but that's finally passing. Interestingly my legs reacted the same way after the Yeovil half marathon, perhaps I'm simply getting old!
The next month sees another two races, one at Dorney Lake, which is just a swim, and the other in Bala, which is a middle distance triathlon. Once those are out of the way I get a chance for a rest and to beginning working towards my next race which is in the autumn.
Saturday, 7 May 2011
Taking a class
I've written before about my burlesque lessons and preparing a routine to perform to some friends. A couple of times while doing that I was invited to join the intermediate class. Well this week I finally did just that.
It was fabulous!
The classes are on a Tuesday evening so I finished work a half an hour early and quickly changed into a tee-shirt and tracksuit bottoms so that I'd be comfortable during the lesson. Getting into the car I entered the address of the venue into the SatNav and found that I was going to be an hour early when I got there. As Homer Simpson would say "Doh!". There was no way that I could go home beforehand as it would mean getting questioned by my father-in-law who has been staying with us so I made a few stops on the way, one of which was to grab something to eat. Next time I'll arrange to visit a friend who lives in Bristol.
I eventually arrived at the venue with 15 minutes to spare and found that it was very busy as there was a show going on elsewhere in the building and people were arriving for that. Getting there is something that I'm going to have to think seriously about as at some point Jenny is going to make an appearance for the class and it will take a lot of confidence to walk from the car to the venue and then up to the dance studio.
I hung around outside the building watching people going in, a couple of women that went in I decided could be there for the class but wasn't sure, when I finally got into the dance studio I found that I was right.
I was incredibly nervous about going to the class. I wasn't sure how the other women were going to react. Would they be OK with me being there? Would they be a lot better than me? What would we be doing in the class? So many unknowns.
Eventually I decided that I couldn't wait any longer and had to go up to the class so I went in, asked where the class was and made my way to the studio.
Peering through the door I couldn't see anyone so pushed it open and went in. The rest of the class were at one end of the room and all turned to look at me as I entered. My teacher saw me and waved me in. I dumped my bag and joined the rest of the class. My instructor asked me if I wanted to be known "as J or B", female name or male name. "J" I answered so that's how I was introduced.
We started off with some warm ups and then a few people recapped what they'd done the previous week.
We then got into our heels and did some more warming up before starting to work through a routine.
Everyone is really good and moves so easily. I don't quite feel so natural just yet but I was amazed that I found myself walking quite well and also quite quickly in heels. These lessons are going to be so good for me when it comes to moving about as a woman, just need to get my movements to be a bit more fluid and a bit more feminine.
We went over the routine a good few times, adding bits to it as we mastered a section.
Being new there were somethings that I felt a bit shy about but with time I'm hoping that will change as I get to know people and feel more relaxed and confident.
We ended the evening by working on our burlesque characters in small groups. Each group had to come up with a group pose and a headline to go with it for each of the groups characters.
For my character we came up with a pose where I was recreating the famous Christine Keeler image with the chair while the other two posed as a married couple. The headline "Jenna Soils DFS Sofa".
Being spontaneously creative is something that I find really difficult, especially in a group setting. Doing these exercises is going to be a real challenge but its going to help me to develop as a person.
It does mean that I'm going to have to start thinking about my burlesque character of Jenna Von Risque.
I'm so looking forward to my next class now that I know what to expect.
One thing that did come out which I thought was fantastic and showed that the other women had no problem with me being there was when we were doing the exercise in the small group and I described my character and her costume. The other two promptly turned around and told me they couldn't wait to see my corset.
The sad bit is that I don't live in Bristol. It would be so better if I did as I wouldn't have so far to travel and I'd also be able to get to the shows and other events that the school and instructors are involved in. I'd also be able to go out with the girls when they organize a night out.
I told a friend about all this and she said that she has a feeling that my life is going to be in Bristol. I'm not sure how that is going to happen but if it did then I wouldn't object.
It was fabulous!
The classes are on a Tuesday evening so I finished work a half an hour early and quickly changed into a tee-shirt and tracksuit bottoms so that I'd be comfortable during the lesson. Getting into the car I entered the address of the venue into the SatNav and found that I was going to be an hour early when I got there. As Homer Simpson would say "Doh!". There was no way that I could go home beforehand as it would mean getting questioned by my father-in-law who has been staying with us so I made a few stops on the way, one of which was to grab something to eat. Next time I'll arrange to visit a friend who lives in Bristol.
I eventually arrived at the venue with 15 minutes to spare and found that it was very busy as there was a show going on elsewhere in the building and people were arriving for that. Getting there is something that I'm going to have to think seriously about as at some point Jenny is going to make an appearance for the class and it will take a lot of confidence to walk from the car to the venue and then up to the dance studio.
I hung around outside the building watching people going in, a couple of women that went in I decided could be there for the class but wasn't sure, when I finally got into the dance studio I found that I was right.
I was incredibly nervous about going to the class. I wasn't sure how the other women were going to react. Would they be OK with me being there? Would they be a lot better than me? What would we be doing in the class? So many unknowns.
Eventually I decided that I couldn't wait any longer and had to go up to the class so I went in, asked where the class was and made my way to the studio.
Peering through the door I couldn't see anyone so pushed it open and went in. The rest of the class were at one end of the room and all turned to look at me as I entered. My teacher saw me and waved me in. I dumped my bag and joined the rest of the class. My instructor asked me if I wanted to be known "as J or B", female name or male name. "J" I answered so that's how I was introduced.
We started off with some warm ups and then a few people recapped what they'd done the previous week.
We then got into our heels and did some more warming up before starting to work through a routine.
Everyone is really good and moves so easily. I don't quite feel so natural just yet but I was amazed that I found myself walking quite well and also quite quickly in heels. These lessons are going to be so good for me when it comes to moving about as a woman, just need to get my movements to be a bit more fluid and a bit more feminine.
We went over the routine a good few times, adding bits to it as we mastered a section.
Being new there were somethings that I felt a bit shy about but with time I'm hoping that will change as I get to know people and feel more relaxed and confident.
We ended the evening by working on our burlesque characters in small groups. Each group had to come up with a group pose and a headline to go with it for each of the groups characters.
For my character we came up with a pose where I was recreating the famous Christine Keeler image with the chair while the other two posed as a married couple. The headline "Jenna Soils DFS Sofa".
Being spontaneously creative is something that I find really difficult, especially in a group setting. Doing these exercises is going to be a real challenge but its going to help me to develop as a person.
It does mean that I'm going to have to start thinking about my burlesque character of Jenna Von Risque.
I'm so looking forward to my next class now that I know what to expect.
One thing that did come out which I thought was fantastic and showed that the other women had no problem with me being there was when we were doing the exercise in the small group and I described my character and her costume. The other two promptly turned around and told me they couldn't wait to see my corset.
The sad bit is that I don't live in Bristol. It would be so better if I did as I wouldn't have so far to travel and I'd also be able to get to the shows and other events that the school and instructors are involved in. I'd also be able to go out with the girls when they organize a night out.
I told a friend about all this and she said that she has a feeling that my life is going to be in Bristol. I'm not sure how that is going to happen but if it did then I wouldn't object.
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