Small steps

In my post in response to Miss D's poll about what us sissy's are going todo this year I mentioned getting my nails done at a salon. I've not done that yet but I will do when I have the time to combine a body waxing, getting my eye brows waxed and my eye lashes tinted with having my nails done. Haven't planned when I'm going to do it yet but it will mean a good half day in the salon.

In the meantime I can work on my nails at home. I can grow them to a more sissy length and keep them femininely shaped. But there is something even better that I can do.

Today I picked up a package that contained a bottle of O.P.I Matte Nail Envy nail strengthener.

I've worn nail strengthener before from time to time but it tends to be glossy and noticeable. On one occasion a colleague actually noticed the shine and asked me if I was wearing nail varnish. I told him that it was just the natural sheen of my nails and he accepted it. I'm not going to risk that at the moment so I've gone down the matte path.

As soon as I had got the bottle out of the packaging I had my nails painted. Yes it doesn't shine, apart from very slightly when the light hits it right, even then it could just be put down to a natural sheen.

The upshot of this is that I can now wear something on my finger nails 24/7 without fear of anyone realising. I am so looking forward to it.

What a day!

This morning I went to an appointment I'd arranged at a beauty salon that I was using for bodywaxing last year. I had hoped that I might be able to get an appointment for today or Monday when I phoned, I hadn't been expecting to be offered an appointment at 9am on the day that I wanted.

I had booked to have a full bodywax, legs arms, chest and back.

Since it has been several months since I went last I was fully expecting it to be really painful. Maybe the 400mg paracetamol I'd taken before I went had something to do with it but although it stung, it was only when the beautician removed some of the hair on my chest that it was painful. All in all it wasn't as bad as I'd thought it would be.

When I was going along last year I had wanted to tell the absolutely drop dead gorgeous lady, who also owns the salon, and does my treatments the real reason that I was getting rid of my body hair. I'm going to call her Zee. Unfortunately I couldn't pluck up the courage. Today was going to be different though. I had told Sam, my boyfriend the one who has control of how I grow my hair, that I planned to talk to Zee and ask her if she could suggest hairdressers. In order to provide a way of doing this I had taken a selection of pictures with me. I had planned on showing them to her before we started but I couldn't find the courage to do so.

Zee began with my legs and worked up my body. Back and then chest were done and still I hadn't found the courage to show her the pictures or ask her about hairdressers. However, before she started on my arms she asked if I wanted a cold towel put on my chest to cool it down.

I do have a fair coverage of hair if its not kept under control. If you have never had your chest waxed when you have a lot off hair to get rid of then you can only imagine how painful it can be. My chest definitely needed cooling down.

When it comes to pain I do have a high threshold. When it gets too much I'm more likely to start laughing than screaming. While we were chatting about how painful it was sh mentioned a male client of hers who is extremently tough normally. However, when he is having his chest and back waxed he is like a baby, always asking her to stop because of the pain. Zee told me last year that I'm probably her best male client because I don't complain about the pain.

Once she had cooled my chest down and before she started on my arms I asked her if she could pass me the packet of photos that were on the chair as I wanted to explain another reason that I was having my body waxed. Zee passed them to me and I handed her the pictures to look at.

The first pictures were of me when I went to Manchester last year to the Albany Clinic. As she looked at the pictures I explained that they were of me.

Well slap my tush and colour me pink!

Zee explained that she had spent some time in London when she was being trained learning about from makeup people who dealt with TSs so she knew all about what could be achieved.

She was impressed by the photos and my figure.

I couldn't believe the way the rest of the conversation went. She was totally Ok with it as I learned that she had other customers who were TS.

I so love that salon!

The conversation then turned to the fact that I am planning to see my GP, again, about GRS. Last year my GP referred me for an initial assessment. Before I could take up that assessment some things happened in my family life that meant I had to cancel the appointment that I'd been given.

I had planned to leave talking to my GP until later in the year. Towards the end of the summer in fact because I have a number of sporting things that I want to do this year and wanted to concentrate on them. As a result of last night and what was discussed on the Growing Leaders course I'm down about being a good leader and from chatting with Zee today I'm going to have to see my GP sooner.

Last night showed me that if I want to continue doing the things I do as a Christian the I need to bring my private and public selves together. For me to do that means that I either have to accept that I have to become more male and less female, or I have to become more female. I prefer this latter option.

I've got mornings free at the moment so it shouldn't be difficult to book an appointment to see my GP.

There is a distinct possibility that I will be able to get Zee to do some of the treatment, for instance beard removal.

Having discussed my transsexuality, and been told that she would be willing to talk about it if I wanted, then I raised the thing I really wanted to ask her. Could she recommend a good hairdresser.

She didn't know of a local one that she could personally recommend as she goes to one near where she lives, which isn't close to where the salon is.

She's been going to her hairdressers for a long time.

Now as I am happy to travel a bit if it means that I can see a symphathetic person then I didn't see that as being a problem. Zee is going to talk to her hairdresser when she sees her in a couple of weeks and let me know what she says at my next salon appointment. As it is going to take me a few months to get my hair long enough that a hairdresser can do something with it that isn't a problem.

I do hope that she says yes.

So at the moment I am on track to keeping one of the aims that I set out here and also at Miss D's website. I have a nice hair free body and in 6 weeks time will be back having the hair removed from it once again. Hopefully I'll have something to report on the hairdresser front too .

Change of Character

Tonight I was on the leadership course that I've been doing through our church.

We discussed character and how a leader had to have the right type of character. Honesty, courage, that kind of thing. As the evening got on a lot of what was being said resontated with me. There are things about me that only two people at my church know about me. Everybody else doesn't have a clue. As we discussed this we talked about how you should be more open and people should know you more if you are to gain their respect and for them to follow you. I remember thinking yes it would be good to do that but I don't think that you are quite ready for me to do that.

I was told by one of the two people that do now about Jenny that some people at our church certainly aren't ready to deal with something like that.

There were other things that resonated but the most important one was an example of how people are. They are like a stage with a front part and a back part. The front part is the bit that everyone sees. The back part is what really goes on. The idea is to reduce the gap between the two.

While we were discussing this I decided that for me bringing the two together would be interesting as the two parts are so difficult. The front part would be me in male mode. The back part would be Jenny.

For me to bring them together either means that I have to openly live as both, allow my male self to remain what everybody sees and to let it take over all of my life completely or for Jenny to come from behind the scenes and take center stage. As I thought about it I came to the conclusion that Jenny would have to take center stage.

To that end I'm thinking that I'm going to have to think about going to see my GP sooner rather than later. Before I do though I need to ask some questions of my vicar in order to clarify things a bit more first.

Once I have those answers then I can make a proper decision but at the moment if I'm going to be the kind of person that we discussed this evening then I'm going to have to change one way or the other and I know which way I would rather change.

Losing control

A couple of years ago I went through a phase where I started growing my hair longer. It took nearly 18 months to get it to the point where it was shoulder length but it was so much fun.

Every 6 weeks or so I'd go to the salon where I'd get it washed by one of the girls and then my hairdresser would trim it to tidy the ends and blow dry it.

My hair is naturally curly but once it had grown long enough my hairdresser started using hair straighteners on it. This was fantastic because it meant that my hair looked longer. The style that she put it into was suitable for a male but with minor changes could be made a lot more feminine.

The best thing about all of this was that when I started going to the salon and growing my hair out I told her that I was doing it because I crossdressed and wanted to have my own hair rather than wigs. Amazingly she didn't bat an eyelid but told me that she'd spent some time working on cruise ships and new a number of crossdressers and had no problem with it.

During my appointments we used to chat about my plans and she gave me lots of tips, even showing me how to straighten my hair myself. On one occasion when I told her that I was going away to a Rose's weekend and wanted to have my hair done she even helped me to book a pedicure and manicure. It was wonderful leaving the salon with my finger and toe nails a lovely plum colour.

After 18 months I decided that I wasn't going to grow it any more and went into a different salon and had my hair shaved, very much the Britney Spears look. The hairdresser there asked if I was sure that it was what I wanted and when I said yes she told me she was going to have so much fun doing it.

The other day when walking home from work I had an idea.

Apart from towards the end of those 18 months I've always used wigs when I'm dressed because I've always kept my hair fairly short for when I'm in boy mode as compared to sissy mode. If I'm going to develop more as a sissy though I need to have my own hair, wigs can be fun but I really want something that is completely real.

As I have a man in my life who is taking a real interest in my development I decided that I would hand over control of my hair to him. He's agreed.

This means that I'm going to grow my hair out, go to the salon and get it cut and styled in a way that I can wear it in a boy style for work but make it more feminine for when I'm being a sissy gurl. As I'm growing it out I can get it trimmed to tidy up any split ends and to shape it into the right style but I cannot go and get lots cut off without permission from him.

He has already come up with a style that he wants me to have.


The style has grown on me since I first saw it but its not really suitable for everyday.

While flicking through a keep fit magazine today though I found something much more suitable and which is similar to the way my hair grew out last time.


I'm probably not going to grow it that long, shoulder length is the plan at the moment. Who knows though, now that I've given over control of it to someone else perhaps I will end up with it that long.

This year

I responded to the latest poll "What will sissy do to make this year special?" on Miss D's blog (http://missds.blogspot.com/).

As I've already got my ears pierced I can't really get them pierced unless I go for multiple piercings. Instead I'm going to have to start wearing my studs more during the day and try and wear more girlish earrings whenever the opportunity presents itself.

What I can and to need to do is to keep my body shaved, get my nails done at a salon (something I've done before but would love to do again) and go out in public.

I'm sure that there are a lot more things that I could do. If anyone has any suggestions then let me know, I'd be more than willing to consider them.

What I would really love to do is to prove what a sissy I am and provide a man with sexual pleasure.

I even know of a man who would love to help me out with achieving this.

Now that would really make this year something special.

Questions

A while back I came across a website that posed a number of questions about the hows and whys of people's crossdressing. I thought I'd share my answers to the questions.

1. The first time, Why did you try on that dress, that girdle and stockings, that nightie, or those panties. You knew they weren't meant for a boy, or male! So, what made you pick them up in the first place? Did any particular item have a special meaning to you?

The first time I tried on a dress was as part of a dressing up game with my mum and gran when I was about 6 years of age. The second time I tried on a dress and panties was after I reached puberty. When I reached puberty I started to masturbate when in bed but my fantasies revolved about being a girl or woman and not a boy. The more I had these fantasies the more I got to the point that I wanted to act them out. In order to do this I had to have the house to myself so that there would be the opportunity to try on some of my mum's clothes. A brown pantie girdle was definitely part of the first outfit I wore. There was even a swimming costume in order to give me more of a curvy female figure and the cups of which were filled with balled up tights. Over the top of this I wore a floaty nightdress. I don't recall whether I wore tights or a bra with this outfit, I'm pretty sure that I didn't. The sensations I got from wearing the outfit and imagining that I was a woman ensured that I would dress many times over the years I lived at home.

2. Have you ever felt depressed by your dressing en femme? Was it because you felt like a pervert, like a weirdo, or that you could not be accepted for what you are? Other reasons involved? Do you feel different today?

I've felt depressed by my dressing en femme many times over the years. So depressed in fact that I have cleared out my wardrobe 2 or 3 times. I've also been depressed when buying clothes because I know that I shouldn't be spending money on things that I'm hardly going to wear and when I do it will be at home and nobody will see me. I've mainly felt depressed because I can't be accepted for who and what I am.
I still feel depressed that I can't really live out my life the way that I would like to but then that goes beyond just being able to dress and be who I am. There are so many things that I'm not able to do that make me depressed but then there are also so many things that I have the freedom to do which a lot of people aren't able to do.

3. If you were "forced," by whom – a friend, sister, mother or aunt, cousin? Did you want to, or did you feel you "had" to do it? (As this may be personal, think: were there pictures taken?) Was there a change in your relationship with the person who dressed you? For the better, or did it go the other way? Was there a change in you, in how you viewed yourself and others?

I've never been “forced” to dress. I would love to have been “forced” to dress though by Marion, a work colleague. She helped me to dress but never actually “forced” me to. We talked about me being her maid but weren't able to act out what was discussed. On the last occasion that she saw me dressed I so wanted her to come over and take me in her arms and kiss me, I wanted her to take charge and dominate me. I felt so weak and submissive that she could have done anything to me and I wouldn't have protested.

4. Have you found a change in demeanor when you are en femme? Has dressing en femme, or being forced to dress, made a significant change in manners, drab dress, obedience, and neatness? Are you better mannered, feel a need to be quieter. Is there a 'profound' change in your outlook on life, things in general? Are you "really" happier when dressed, and is there a way you can put it in words.

Yes. I am naturally quiet and continue to be so when en femme. However, I've been told that when en femme I become more graceful. There hasn't been a realy change in my manners or drab dress because of time spent en femme. I have had my ears pierced, grown my hair longer, grown my fingernails and also had my entire body waxed over the ears, which is down to time en femme. I have also found that when en femme I do feel that I am more the person I should have been and not the male that I have ended up being.

5. Do you feel that you are a "Sissy" because you "enjoy" wearing the clothes of the "opposite sex," or are there other feelings aroused in you. Do you feel that the word "Sissy" is appropriate to what you are? Do you feel inferior to females because you are not really one, or are there other factors involved.

I don't feel I am a “Sissy” because I enjoy wearing female clothes. I feel that I am a “Sissy” because I get aroused by images of females, she-males and males submitting to superior males and females and servicing them in whichever ways they wish. I find myself fascinated and aroused by images of submissives sucking on a man's cock. Often I wish I was the one in the picture doing the sucking. I feel the word “Sissy” is appropriate to what I am because I am submissive by nature, I am envious of the women I work with because they get to wear lovely outfits to work, I am also inferior to a number of the women that I work with because they are stronger and appear more dominant than I could ever be. Barb is a strong, divorced woman who is capable of looking after herself, Pat has a figure that just oozes dominance and I find myself jealous of the outfits that she wears sometimes even though they aren't necessarily the type of thing that a woman my age would wear. Julie just oozes femininity, a strong dominant personaility, professionalism and self sufficiency. If I had to submit to one woman it would definitely be Julie. I would happily give up work and become her Sissy maid and dress and act in any way that she dictated.

6. Is there a change in the music you like? Do you prefer Classical music when dressed, and Rock or R and B in Drab? Does the music affect you differently in drag and drab? Do you have a change of sports watching: Mia Hamm and Brandi Chastein vs. whoever is Dallas' quarter back. Do you even watch sports?

No change in my musical or sporting tastes when in drag or drab. I prefer watching athletics, swimming and rugby. I've never been a big fan of soccer or motorsports. My musical tastes cover everything from classical through jazz to pop music.

7. If you are married, or have an S/O, what is your "en femme" relationship, if any changes, to her? Are you a girlfriend, a Lesbian lover, a maid, or are you a guest just visiting?

I no longer have a “en femme” relationship with my wife. I used to but don't any more.

8. Do you have a different hobby that you engage in, other than CD or sex, when you are dressed? Do you feel a need to dress to do certain things, like shop for food, for one example? Are the things you engage in those considered masculine (hunting, fishing, sports), fairly divided, or feminine (Doll collecting, Antiques [charming teapots, pretty saucers], ballet/classical music).

No change in hobbies and the things I'm involved in tend to be unisex. I enjoy reading and watching science fiction and fantasy movies and TV programmes. I like running and also swimming. Just getting into cycling too as I've taken up triathlon.

9. How do you feel -- a woman in a man's body, a soft and gentle male that doesn't fit the masculine stereotype, a need to express a different side of your personality, or you were born the wrong gender? Or, do you feel that when you are dressed en femme, you can make out with a man, because you 'are' a female in a way?

I definitely feel like I would be happier living my life as a woman. I know that if the situation was right then while dressed en femme it would be possible for me to make out with a man. I've had several men who were interested in taking an online friendship to that level. As of yet I have never actually done that though.

10. When you read a story or watch a movie on tv, does your preference change depending on how you are dressed, or doesn't it matter? Going deep down, are you affected by the story line depending on how you are dressed?

No change. I enjoy watching the same movies and reading the same stories. I don't believe that a storyline affects me more whether I am in drag or drab.


11. Do you work in a man's man job -- High wire electrician, fireman, policeman. A neutral job – clerk, bank teller, doctor, barber. Or, a feminine one – secretary, hairdresser, nurse. If you had the skill but were required to still wear a male uniform, would you take a feminine job (of course, that's a belief in a job that is still considered mostly female).

I work in a unisex job in software engineering. If I had the skills and had to wear a male uniform then I would still take a feminine job. Probably fairly readily.

12. In a general way, what is your relationship to women in general? Do you view them as lovers, superiors, as dome/mistresses, or do you just LOVE everything about them? Considering the "way" you dress, is it in honour of them – perfect coif and make-up, a nice-fitting dress or blouse-and-skirt; or a mocking of them – slutty make-up, whorish, extremely short skirt, overly high heels?

I view women as friends, lovers and also superiors. I try to honour women by dressing in a natural way whenever I can. However, in certain situations, just like any woman I can also dress to look whorish.

13. Do you control your weight to fit into a size 16, 18 or smaller, or do you use a corset or girdle (do they still make those corselettes?) to fit? Would you consider a weight loss program if suggested, as a 'health benefit,' by an S/O or mistress/wife – to fit in her clothes?

I don't control my weight to fit into specific dress sizes. I do use corsets, girdles and corselettes. I try to control my weight so that I am fitter in general whether drag or drab.

14. When dressed, would you even consider a romantic date with a good-looking guy, or, would there be absolutely no chance of that happening! In fantasy, would you read about a date – and all that goes with it?

Yes I would consider a romantic date with a guy. In fantasy I definitely read about dates and all that goes with them, as a result of which I often find myself getting aroused and wishing it was me that was being described.

15. On a scale of 1 to 10 (10 being the highest), where would you be malewise; femalewise, or do you feel it's a 5/5 split?

3 male / 7 female

16. Almost last one: Given a choice, would you prefer black, red, white or pink in underwear – male and/or female?

Black or white female lingerie if given a choice but it would have to be appropriate to the outfit I was wearing.


17. Last: Do you think that what you are is a means to maintaining your sanity? That is, dressing in femme things is a way to reduce stress, relax, and otherwise not be the "macho" persona/boss your world situation may require.

Yes dressing is a way of maintaining my sanity, its also a way to reduce stress and relax. Dressing en femme is also a way to escape from the image that I present to the world day in, day out and to actually be who I really am, even if it is only for a short time.

When I remeber where I found these I'll link to the website.

Back on the blog trail

I'm starting blogging again. I thought I'd import some posts I made under another blog that I deleted to get the ball rolling. Hopefully I'll be able to keep this one going and add some interesting bits to it.